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6 Practical Tips For Defusing Arguments With Your Partner

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arguments

6 Practical Tips For Defusing Arguments With Your Partner

Arguments in your relationship are an inevitable part of life. Most of us have heated discussions with those we are closest to us, and that particularly holds true with our partners However, while conflicts may sometimes be unavoidable, letting matters get out of hand is not. If you find yourself in a verbal altercation, use these tips to defuse the argument and return you to a place of peace and calm where you can rationally discuss your differences. 

 1. Listen. In most arguments, neither side is completely right or completely wrong. Your partner probably does have a point. If you can learn to see their perspective, you will understand why they are angry or upset. This will allow you to give a little ground and move toward a positive agreement. Many fights boil down to a misunderstanding. You might not even be arguing about the same thing. Slow down and listen and you may find your differences are less significant than you thought.

 2. Calm down. Many arguments that should be minor can quickly blow up because both parties let their emotions get the better of them. In the heat of the moment, mean, damaging words can be spoken that will later be deeply regretted. Avoid such mistakes by staying as calm as possible. Given how hard this often is to do, a good idea is to take a short break from the discussion if you feel your own intensity rising. When you take this break, don’t think about the argument or what you want to say. In fact, do something distracting, relaxing or stress-reducing before returning to the conversation. 

3. Accept your differences. Ideally, all arguments would end with both sides agreeing and walking away happy. In the real world, some differences can’t realistically be solved. One of the keys to conflict management is learning when to recognize a “lost cause”. If neither of you is going to budge, then humbly end the conversation and move on.

For example, many happily married couples have learned that there are certain topics they should not discuss. Perhaps politics, or the behavior of a relative. It helps if you can accept that some problems in your marriage are not solvable. 

4. Stick to the topic. An argument about who forgot to take out the trash should not be used as an excuse to belittle your partner’s character. Such contempt (for example, insults, belligerence, eye rolling), is very dangerous to a long-term relationship and is one of the predictors of divorce. When you are irritated it is easy for the scope of a fight to broaden, and for the dispute to become a chance for both sides to vent their annoyance on any and all topics. This sort of “kitchen sinking” will just cause more pain and will not help solve the original problem. If you must argue, at least stay focused on the matter at hand. The more the argument centers on specifics, the better the chance for a peaceful outcome. 

5. Stop caring about ‘winning’. When couples get into big arguments, their egos can get in the way of a resolution. Sometimes a dispute of minuscule proportions will continue for hours because each partner wants to ‘win’ the argument and prove the other person wrong. Of course, this only makes matters worse. Remember, harsh fighting is a lose-lose scenario for a marriage. You will ultimately be happier if you back down or just agree to disagree. Trying to win the argument will only make reconciliation harder. 

6. Watch your body language and tone. Confrontations that become destructive are most frequently about triggering each other. Our brains often pay more attention to the nonverbal, tone, facial expression than the actual words.  Shouting and screaming, an aggressive, standoffish stance or refusing to talk can do just as much damage as harsh words spoken. Sometimes, without even noticing, a person will raise their voice or have a belligerent tone. Pay attention to how you hold yourself, and speak in a softer, calmer and more neutral voice. Whatever the nature of the discussion, maintaining a friendly attitude will indicate that you do not want the argument to escalate. Share and discuss these techniques with each other. The two of you will probably still get into arguments, but at least you will have a method for minimizing unnecessary escalations or insults, and resolve it without lingering bad feelings. Bringing empathy for your partner and a curiosity towards their views and feelings will also go a long way. If you find that you keep engage in repeated, negative patterns of fighting, professional guidance from a couple therapist is always available to get you on the right track. 

I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman, a highly trained couple therapist in South Florida. If you and your partner need help with communication problems, don’t hesitate to reach out to me!

Are You Passive-Aggressive in Your Relationship?

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passive-aggressive

Recognizing behavior flaws such as a passive-aggressive communication style in others, particularly your partner, is usually easier than acknowledging your own shortcomings. Countless people are hostile in passive ways, yet, many have no idea that their conduct could be described in such a way.

You may be passive-aggressive if you sulk, conveniently “forget” to do things for a partner you’re upset with, or you are aware that you are exceedingly uncomfortable around anger. If you are passive-aggressive, chances are it is damaging both your romantic and other close relationships.

What is passive-aggressiveness?

Passive aggressiveness emerges as hostility that is not openly aired, at least not verbally.

Someone might “forget” to do something for a person they hold a hidden grudge against.  Alternatively, he or she may take a long time to perform such tasks, be late constantly, make faces behind someone’s back, or engage in a variety of other antagonistic behaviors. In close and intimate relationships such as marriage, a spouse might withhold affection, eye-roll and “huff and puff” instead of openly expressing anger or other uncomfortable feelings. Alternatively, the spouse will make their partner’s life difficult in some other manner. Passive-aggressiveness often arises in response to your partner’s demands and requests. Or, you are unhappy about some aspect of the relationship and are not directly expressing this or looking to collaboratively problem solve.  

What makes people passive-aggressive?

Much of the time, demonstrating hostility in such an indirect or complicated way stems from childhood. Children who are taught that anger is a terrible emotion or ridiculed when they reveal their temper, get the message that exhibiting strong emotions (such as anger) overtly is unacceptable.

Children then fail to learn how to adequately express feelings that they perceive as undesirable. Sometimes, even a belief that they are incompetent and imagine that they will not be taken seriously if they show anger. On other occasions, they may be afraid that their anger could spark rage from someone else, which they won’t be able to manage.  Expressing anger verbally is difficult for such individuals since they do not possess the necessary communication skills.

Does this sound like you?

If you think you may be passive-aggressive, do not panic! This does not make you “defective.”  Displaying hostility passively means you have not learned more efficient and effective ways of communicating. And, let’s face it, your behavior does not usually afford you what you want.

Can you change the way you communicate?

While altering a life-long habit may not be an easy task, it is definitely possible – and well worth the effort – to develop assertive communication skills and learn how to handle anger effectively and express yourself.

The first step is to recognize the unhealthy behavior you display when you are angry. Each time you feel the urge to carry out similar practices in the future, stand back, and take inventory of your actions. Ask yourself whether there are alternate ways you could express how you feel that are likely to be beneficial and more readily get your needs met.

Being direct, telling your partner that you are angry, and what exactly is bothering you, is the healthy and productive way to respond.

There are effective ways to communicate aren’t argument inducing or antagonistic. Begin by saying how their actions make you feel, and if relevant, how the behavior is detrimental to your well-being. Avoid shouting, swearing, accusing, and name-calling at all costs. Instead, begin sentences with “I” and follow with a factual description of why you feel hurt.

Poor communication patterns such as passive-aggressiveness are not that uncommon since many people act out their hostility rather than communicating verbally on occasion. Nevertheless, when doing so is repetitious, meaningful relationships—such as your marriage—can slowly crumble and break down. Learning how to express yourself in constructive ways can rebuild damaged relationships and prevent them from falling apart.

If you liked this article, you’ll enjoy listening to my interview on the I DO podcast: Navigating Passive-Aggressive Relationships. 

 

Do you need help with assertive communication in your life? As a therapist, I do this all the time! Feel free to reach out to me for help.

Questions To Ask Yourself If You’ve Caught Your Spouse Cheating

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cheating spouse

For many marriages, affair recovery is possible. Is yours one of them?

Did you just catch your spouse cheating? If so, your marriage is in crisis and your likely left feeling as if one of your worst fears has come true. You’re also wondering if you should stay or go. This isn’t the time to act on impulse but to slow down and carefully consider your options.  

There are many sources explaining the reasons why men and women cheat as well as tips on how to fix your broken relationship or save your marriage after finding evidence that your husband or wife is having an affair. But how do you decide what to do about it and whether your should get a divorce or work on forgiving your spouse after they’ve been caught cheating?

Increasing your knowledge about the many dimensions of infidelity can help empower you to have the kind of marriage you desire after one spouse has cheated. It’s important to find out the specific reasons this betrayal happened, who they cheated with, and the nature of the affair, i.e., whether it’s emotional, physical, or a combination of the two. While sexual dissatisfaction is certainly one of the multitude of reasons why people cheat, the primary reason cited by both men and women is actually emotional dissatisfaction, identifying issues such as not feeling desired or appreciated, a lack of communication, or feeling as though they have differing values.

Nonetheless, if you’re one of the people whose partner has been caught cheating, here are the most important questions to ask yourself before deciding whether to divorce or forgive your partner.

1. Does your spouse have a parent and/or close friends who have cheated?

If the answer is yes, don’t underestimate how this influences your spouse. A message can get internalized that cheating is acceptable or just a part of “everyday life.”

You also want to watch for your partner spending time, especially nights out, with known cheaters. It wouldn’t be a good idea to try to entirely control your spouse, but he or she should be responsive to your concerns. If this behavior continues, a cheater will be at risk for ongoing improprieties.

2. Is your spouse good at compartmentalizing?

“Compartmentalization” is a defense mechanism that people use to separate internally conflicting thoughts from one another. People generally have a tendency to compartmentalize parts of their lives so they can better control them and cope with life’s stressors. For example, we may act a certain way at our jobs, another way with friends, and yet a different way with family.

If your spouse tends to compartmentalize, this could be a serious red flag.

Many successful people use compartmentalization to get ahead, but unfortunately, sociopaths are also known to be exceptionally good at compartmentalizing. This isn’t to say that your spouse is a sociopath; however, you need to understand what mechanisms allow someone to have sex with their co-worker on a desk at the office, then sit with you at the dinner table and act as if everything is perfectly normal.

3. Does your spouse show guilt and genuine remorse for having the affair?

From what I’ve seen in my practice treating many couples over many years, most cheaters really do feel guilty and remorseful about their affairs. However, this will not necessarily stop the cheating behavior. Some people don’t feel the least bit regretful; some may see the affair as the justifiable ramifications of a bad marriage.

If your partner falls in the “not feeling remorseful” category, taking him or her back is ill-advised.

The cheater must see their fault or this person will never be able to connect with you emotionally and honestly. Even with a “bad marriage,” the accountability was still on your partner to problem-solve appropriately (seek therapy, talk to clergy). You should also hear the person verbalize sincere, genuine and copious apologies.

4. Are you completely certain that the affair is over?

If your spouse remains involved with the other person on any level, then it isn’t completely over and you will never be able to move forward.

There must be NO CONTACT.

No Facebook friendship, no texts, no phone calls, no working together, no anything. Your spouse should be able to prove this to you beyond any doubt by being utterly transparent.

5. Is your relationship damaged beyond repair from this affair?

In some cases, it isn’t advisable to take back a cheater. If you aren’t married and don’t have children together, it may be best to go your separate ways after an affair. In addition, be warned that some people will continue to cheat whether or not they’re satisfied with their marriage. If this is the case, such a person is likely unable to stay faithful. It’s also imperative to find out if the cheating is a onetime affair or a pattern of multiple affairs.

It’s possible to rebound from an affair and have a happy marriage.

If you’re able to clearly sift though the concerns listed and decide to work it out, it’s critical that you pursue marriage therapy together in order to work though the unfaithfulness. The goals of affair recovery therapy should be to work on forgiveness, re-build trust and create a strong emotional connection.

Also, each person should be able to discuss their thoughts and feelings clearly and openly in regards to the transgression. If you do decide to take back a spouse after an affair, you must make a conscious decision to move forward and not remain stuck in that space between being bitter and forgiving. Only then can your marriage recover from infidelity.

Does your marriage need help? I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman, a licensed marriage therapist with specialized training in affair recovery. Feel free to reach out to me for help.

What You Should Know about Domestic Violence in Romantic Relationships

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domestic violence

It is important to determine the differences between coercive and situational violence.

You have probably heard a story like this (or might even be yours). Someone you know—a typically mild-mannered professional friend of yours who just got arrested on a domestic violence charge. You are shocked to hear this news as this is the last person you would expect to get arrested for something like this. Well, I have news for you too—your friend is also shocked (and likely embarrassed and ashamed). Sometimes these incidents happen suddenly after a trigger that causes someone to “lose it.” Other times it happens on occasion when fights get too escalated between a husband and wife. Such occasional violence between a couple is termed situational couple violence, and it’s not only different from other forms of violence, but it is also surprisingly commonplace.

Over the past several years, research on the topic of violence between intimate partners has shown that such violence varies in type and pattern. Violence is never acceptable, however, understanding the difference between an ongoing pattern of domestic violence and infrequent or random situation violence is essential. Such information has implications in the legal, treatment and educational arenas impacting child custody and access disputes, parenting plans, the parent-child relationship and the co-parenting relationship during separation and divorce. The different types also affect decisions as to whether or not reconciliation measures, such as marriage therapy, are contraindicated. How likely the violence is going to cease or come up again in the future also varies by type. Let’s take a closer look at these matters as it relates to the four forms of violence.

Four Types of Violence Between Intimate Partners

  • Coercive Controlling Violence

This is a chronic pattern of emotional abuse, intimidation, coercion, and control combined with physical violence against a partner that is also known as “battering.” Characterized by power and control, it is more often by a male perpetrator towards a female victim. Perpetrators of this violence often show clinically significant symptoms of personality disorder traits (i.e., sociopathy) and misogynistic attitudes. The violent behaviors may even continue after the demise of the relationship with ongoing intimidation, threats, and stalking. The victim is often left in constant fear of retaliation and often suffers ongoing psychological symptoms.

  • Violent Resistance

This violence arises most often in the context of self-defense, reactivity or resistance by the victim towards the perpetrator after experiencing coercive controlling violence. It sometimes rises to extreme violence, even murder, from victims referred to as having “battered wife syndrome.”

  • Situational Couple Violence

This type of violence does not have its basis in the dynamic of power, coercion, and control. Perpetrated roughly equal amongst the genders, it plays out quite differently than the other types of violence and has very different causes and consequences.

This type of violence generally results from situations or arguments between partners that escalate on occasion into physical violence because one (or both) partners poorly manage their conflicts or control their anger. The violent acts are most often “minor” in nature (i.e., a scratching, pushing, grabbing) and does not result in major injury.

This type of violence is also not likely to escalate over time during the course of the relationship. It may involve one isolated incident or occur sporadically or regularly during arguments. There may also be verbally aggressive behaviors (i.e., cursing, yelling, name calling) and feelings of jealousy within the relationship.

  • Separation-Instigated Violence

This is violence that occurs for the very first time in the relationship and precipitates an initial separation (i.e., partner asks for a divorce or serves partner with divorce papers). This term, separation-instigated violence, is only used if there is no prior history of violence in the relationship. It frequently viewed as both unexpected and uncharacteristic of the person who usually has a reliable history of “normal” and civilized behavior.

Instances of this sort of violence are often a sudden lashing out, throwing objects at the partner, destroying property (cherished pictures/heirlooms, throwing clothes into the street), brandishing a weapon and sideswiping or ramming the partner’s car. The partner instigating such violence is more likely to acknowledge their aberrant behavior rather than deny or deflect it. They are often embarrassed, ashamed, and remorseful of their actions as well. These people that seem to suddenly “snap” have often been very caring, involved parents during the marital relationship, with good relationships with their children. Shocked and scared by the unaccustomed violence, the victim (and often the children) may, unfortunately, assume a new image of this person as dangerous.

Treatment Recommendations

For professionals in family court or the private sector, it is crucial to complete proper assessments and ask the right questions to distinguish the forms of violence just mentioned. Professional guidance should be sought from those with specialized training in this area. Appropriate treatment recommendations should be made depending on the assessment results.

With situational violence, it is often recommended people attend cognitive behavioral groups and treatment with a focus on skills needed to prevent arguments from escalating to verbal aggression and ultimately to violence. These groups teach both behavioral and thought restructuring anger management techniques. Exercises are also designed to develop effective communication skills including the ability to use assertiveness without the need for aggressiveness. These, as well as other approaches,  are also used in marriage counseling sessions with both partners participating.

On the contrary, couples therapy approaches are almost never recommended for coercive controlling violence or batterer programs because of the threat and ongoing fear they might pose to victims. Therapeutic strategies are typically used in a group format composed only of violent men or women and without their partners present. Partners are not treated together until there is a significant amount of physical and emotional safety to the victim.

In conclusion, current research provides a substantial amount of evidence for the need to distinguish among the different types of violence that can occur between romantic partners. In the forensic arena, such categories of violent behavior are beneficial to those required to make recommendations and decisions about child custody, parenting plans, treatment programs, and legal sanctions. Programs that focus on the reasons for and circumstances surrounding the different types of violence are more likely to achieve positive results than merely using a one-size-fits-all approach.

Source: Kelly, J. B., & Johnson, M. P. (2008). Differentiation among types of intimate partner violence: Research update and implications for interventions. Family court review, 46(3), 476-499.

Hi! I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman. I am a trained and experienced marriage therapist who frequently works with highly distressed couples in my Boca Raton, Florida practice. This article was originally written for the Rossen Law Firm in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida and can also be read on their website.

Four Major Reasons for Divorce

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marital problems

Reasons for DivorceThe most challenging of marital problems often involves what is called the “4 A’s.” These are adultery, addiction, abuse, and agendas.  It is worthwhile to distinguish between what is considered “hard” reasons (such as the 4 A’s) vs. “soft” reasons people often cite when giving up on their marriages.  “Soft” reasons are not synonymous with “trivial” reasons. Soft reasons consist of everything other than the 4 A’s.  Examples are growing apart, boredom, poor communication or feeling you have little in common with your partner. When compared with soft reasons, the 4 A’s pose bigger challenges to the viability of your marriage and are more likely to lead to divorce.

Here are the four hard reasons for divorce: 

ADULTERY

Adultery (also called infidelity) is extramarital sexual relations that are thought to be objectionable on several grounds including social, religious, moral and possibly legal. In some cultures, it is considered criminal as well, but this is not the case in the U.S. and in most Western countries. Adultery is a serious problem within a supposedly monogamous marriage. There is debate as to what sexual activities besides intercourse actually constitute adultery. What may be more reverent to focus on is the fact that one partner is keeping secrets and having an inappropriate relationship that may span the continuum from emotional to physical, and that when this comes to light it most often causes a significant crisis in the marriage. Infidelity is often a consequence of other underlying, unresolved problems in the marriage.  On the other hand, people who cheat may have a sex addiction or sexually compulsive behavior. Some people believe that cheaters have “bad character.”

ADDICTION

Addiction is a disorder that results when a person uses a substance such as alcohol, cocaine or heroin or engages in an activity such as sex, gambling or shopping, which continued behavior becomes compulsive and interferes with usual life responsibilities. Life responsibilities impacted include interpersonal relationships, work, and/or health. There may be a physiological dependence when addicted to a substance. This means the body has adapted to the substance so that more and more is needed to achieve the same effect. This is also known as “tolerance.”  Denial is often present as addicts are usually not aware that their behavior is destructive, out of control and causing enormous problems for both themselves and those around them.  Among those most negatively impacted are the addict’s spouse and children.  The spouse of a partner with addiction can fall, albeit unintentionally, into the role of enabler by over-helping and preventing their partner from suffering the consequences of the addiction. This unhealthy, codependent behavior also becomes utterly draining for the enabling spouse.

ABUSE

Abuse in a relationship may be physical, emotional, verbal, and/or economic.  Physical abuse, also known as “domestic violence,” is clearer as it involves the infliction of physical pain (e.g. hitting, pushing, grabbing, etc.). On the contrary, emotional abuse is often quite subtle. This abuse occurs when a partner has you constantly “walking on eggshells” or feeling manipulated.  Examples may be a partner who is excessively jealous or controlling, who often makes fun of you, guilt trips, withdraws affection or gives the silent treatment, among other actions. Economic abuse involves a spouse who excessively controls the finances.  The controlled spouse’s self- esteem is chipped away by the abusive partner leaving them feeling powerless, shut down, fearful and ultimately very unhappy in the marriage.

AGENDAS

People change continuously. Whether it be personal growth or new situations that you need to adapt to, you and your partner are likely not exactly the same as the day you married. The success of your marriage will depend, in part, on how you adapt to each other through these personal changes. Supporting each other’s goals is critical, but what happens when they are very opposite?  For example, a spouse wants to start a new career from scratch, you decide city living is no longer for you and you wish to move to the country, or one of you wants to change your religion? When your agendas are on different pages, you will most likely have a severe or even unresolvable relationship crisis on your hands.

The 4A’s are difficult challenges to the sustainability of your marriage. They will frequently and inevitably lead to divorce. If not divorce, then an unhappy and disconnected marriage. Especially if you both do not get professional help to work through these issues. The person who is committing the acts of cheating, addiction, or abuse should also undergo their own personal therapy to specifically work on self-change in these problematic areas. Help is available with qualified and experienced therapists and this will give you a fighting chance to identify and work through these roadblocks.

 I am here to offer you private and confidential help if the the 4A’s are wrecking your relationship. Reach out to discuss your options. Also, check out my FREE GUIDE just for couples looking for help.  

Can This Marriage Be Saved? A Discernment Counseling Assessment May Be Right for You Both

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Discernment Counseling Boca raton

Is there anything a marriage therapist can really do when one of the partners is one foot out the door?  Maybe both people are not sure staying married is the best idea.  Or, what if one spouse simply refuses to attend counseling?

An estimated 30% of couples presenting for marriage therapy actually have a “mixed-agenda.”  This means they both have differing desires as whether to save the marriage or not.  One (or both) may be seriously considering divorce or, in other words, “ambivalent” about saving the marriage.

Traditional marriage therapy only works when BOTH partners desire the same outcome to save the marriage. So, when one partner is ambivalent, it can seem like a pretty hopeless situation for both couple and therapist. That is, until fairly recently…

Now there is an approach for working with such couples called discernment counseling.  Prior to this method, traditional marriage therapy would often fizzle out or end in frustration for both the couple and the therapist. Yet, couples still desperately need meaningful help when they are in this space.

Thanks to Dr. Bill Doherty, Ph.D. and his relationship research institute, there is a way for working with the couples who are starting off in different places. He has been training therapists all over the country about how to do this counseling.  Dr. Doherty also has a program for family lawyers, mediators, and clergy who are frequently finding these couples in their midst as well.

Goals of Discernment Counseling

The goal of discernment counseling is for the couple to gain greater clarity and confidence in their decision making about whether to divorce or reconcile. The sessions are to explore specific topics relevant to three paths under consideration: (1) stay married as it has been, (2) move towards separation and divorce or (3) agree on a reconciliation period with an all-out effort in therapy.

Couples meet in the counseling sessions for a portion together and also one on one with the therapist. This is done so that each individual has time to work on their own goals. The crux of this will be about each partner’s personal agenda for change. It is deeply important that each person begins to see his/her own contributions to the relationship problems as well as the possible solutions.

All communications in these individual sessions are kept confidential. This is an important factor that allows the client to provide all necessary details (even in regard to an affair if there is one) to the therapist in order to help him or her sort through the decision making process. Each partner is treated in a respectful and compassionate way regardless of how they are feeling their marriage at the moment.

If reconciliation (path 3) is agreed upon, couples are educated about what marriage therapy looks like and what will be expected of them. Each partner is explained the expectations.  At this point, traditional marriage therapy can begin with the same counselor or they may return to their referring counselor.  If separation/divorce (path 2) is chosen, the couple is given education and resources to help them collaboratively work through the dissolution of the marriage.

If the partner considering divorce refuses to attend discernment counseling at all, individual “hopeful spouse counseling” is offered as an alternative.  Therapists often get desperate calls from this person when a partner threatens to leave the marriage.

The goal of hopeful spouse counseling is to help support the client in their desire to save the marriage. Strategies are designed to help the client manage the crisis and learn constructive and healthy ways to prevent the marriage from going the divorce direction if at all possible. If at any point the partner wishes to join in the process, this is of course welcomed.

The discernment counseling assessment process is a 4 session series consisting of joint time together and 1:1 separately, and then a final feedback session.

Please note that this is NOT  closure therapy as it is not intended to help one of the partners accept their partner’s final decision to divorce. If you need closure therapy, be certain to specify this to the therapist prior to any meetings. Discernment counseling is also not recommended for anyone coerced to come in or if there is a history of violence in the relationship.

Additional Benefits of a Discernment Counseling Assessment

This counseling has been found to be immensely useful in future relationships even if the marriage ends. It is also proven to help couples truly be more cooperative with each other in the divorce process if that is the chosen path.  We must consider that divorce is a decision with far-reaching impacts, even into future generations.  Discernment counseling can help a couple carefully and consciously decide their next step in regards to their marriage.

 

You might want to check out a podcast interview where I discuss the topic of Discernment Counseling. 

Discernment/divorce counseling assessment process is available for couples in a private and confidential setting in Boca Raton, Florida or online for any residents of FL, AL, MD, VT, SC.  Contact me for more information. To search the entire U.S., go to www.DiscernmentCounselors.com. 

Infidelity: Surprising Reasons We Cheat

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infidelity

So much occurs during our development from infancy through adolescence, and it all contributes to how we eventually act in adult romantic relationships. In particular, early “implicit” and “explicit” memories impact future behavior. Implicit memory guides or behavior outside of our awareness. These are the memories we cannot consciously remember. Alternatively, explicit memory is that which we can recall and use to make insightful connections about how they impact our behavior. When something we do is not within our awareness, we may have trouble figuring out why we behaved the way we did. This includes infidelity and cheating behavior.

Here are five reasons for infidelity and the implicit, unconscious processes that drive us to cheat:

1. “I got bored.”

Boredom is an often cited as a reason for infidelity. Extensive evidence indicates that novelty erodes after a period of cohabitation or marriage. Relationship length is a reliable predictor of infidelity: the longer the relationship, the more likely one partner will cheat. Furthermore, married couples consistently reported a decline in marital satisfaction over time. This phenomenon leads us to the concept of “habituation.” The habituation process is the way in which we pay attention to a stimulus. In general, after a certain period, you get used to the stimulus, as well as similar stimuli, and no longer pay attention. For example, a loud beeping sound might at first startle you, but after hearing it over and over, you start to tune it out. Over the course of habituation, there is a shift from preferring the familiar to preferring the novel. In a sense, we habituate to our partners and novelty is found in another person.

2. “It just happened.”

When we have conflicting desires (for example, your partner vs. the attractive person flirting with you), we tend to choose alternatives that seem most relevant in that particular context at that precise moment in time. Both human (and nonhuman) animals temporarily prefer options that pay off immediately, rather than the better (but slower) option. Infidelity studies show that being apart from a partner facilitates opportunities for extra-marital involvement, especially in the workplace. Couple this with someone who has impulsive personality traits, and you have a recipe for disaster.

3. “It was only for physical gratification.”

Having “perceptive competence,” or the ability to “read” other people and situations, is strongest in adulthood. This ability is learned in infancy and is a necessary survival tactic to help us become efficient at gauging our environment and the opportunities for action that are available. It allows for a quick assessment of situations that offer a reward or ability to meet a goal. Opportunities that help us meet our needs (including sexual satisfaction) are called “affordances.” However, the consequences are severe when the “affordance” you pounce on is someone other than your spouse!

4. “My spouse wasn’t meeting my emotional needs.”

Affairs are often pursued to help alleviate, albeit unsuccessfully, unmet intimacy needs or a sense of growing apart. These adults are seemingly in a constant state of disequilibrium, feeling intense anxiety over abandonment and other times an avoidance of closeness. These “insecurely attached” individuals tend to engage in short-term strategies to self-soothe. Cheating is one such unhealthy self-soothing strategy. Conversely, couples who achieve security through their relationship, improve interpersonally on many levels resulting in decreased susceptibility to infidelity.

5. “I had a dysfunctional childhood.”

Everyone is susceptible to bringing their family dysfunction into their marriage. Dysfunction is primarily about how securely attached we were to a primary caretaker in childhood. Historically, attachment maximized the survival of the child in terms of access to food, learning opportunities, socialization, and protection from predators. The child also had a means to explore his/her environment knowing that a secure base (their caretaker) was always there when needed. The attachment-exploration system imprints in childhood and continues into adulthood, transferring to our romantic partners. Equilibrium of the two systems defines a “secure attachment style.” We are continually trying to reach our attachment goals by balancing our need for closeness or distance with our partner. If you were raised with an unavailable or abusive caretaker, it might leave you with no template for security or dependency with another person. Furthermore, it may have lessened the ability to respond to a partner empathically. These factors leave a person more susceptible to affairs.

Cheating on your spouse is ultimately a volitional act and an intentional choice. Perpetrators add insult to injury when they are unable to articulate the reasons why they decided to cheat, as opposed to other means of solving marital issues. We must not discount unconscious processes that may underlie such choices or put someone at risk for such behavior in the first place. Infidelity is one of the most challenging issues couples present with in therapy. Being armed with any knowledge of what caused the affair, along with ways to heal, are necessary components of treatment.

Source:
Bravo, I., & Lumpkin, P. (2010). The complex case of marital infidelity: An explanatory model of contributory processes to facilitate psychotherapy. The American Journal of Family Therapy,38:421–432.

Dr. Marni Feuerman, LCSW, LMFT is a marriage therapist in Boca Raton, Florida with extensive experience treating couples after infidelity, affairs, cheating, and betrayal. Reach out to her for help at 561-544-8011. 

 

5 Reasons You Might Be Setting Your Marriage Therapy Up For Failure

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marriage therapist

Congratulations if you have decided to seek help to fix your marriage. If you are, it is likely that your problems have been going on for a while, maybe even years. Whatever it is that has you saying “it’s time to try marriage therapy,” you’ve made a wise decision. Step one, you must find the right person to help you and your spouse.

Finding a marriage therapist, especially a competent one that you both agree on, can seem like a daunting task. It is likely you are going to turn to your health insurance plan or Google. Here’s where things can get tricky, and I will tell you why.

Reasons you may set your marriage therapy up for failure

1. You take a shot in the dark with Google.

I have seen some of the most beautiful websites with all the bells and whistles of therapists who have no clue what they are doing. Anyone can create a website and put nearly whatever they want on there. Please don’t be fooled by a beautiful website.

Secondly, you will see lots of buzzwords you may have heard on Oprah or somewhere else. The bottom line is that at this point in time, the most thoroughly researched method of helping couples is called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. All of the studies over the past twenty years has shown the most positive results of any form of treatment. If another approach surpasses these results, I will update this article to reflect this new information.

2. You go to your insurance plan directory.

The providers on your plan do have to go through a bit more of a screening. But a clear majority of the providers are general therapists, not specialists. Therapists who specialize are most often out of network or self-pay only. This is most often because the insurance reimbursement rate does not commensurate with experience and costly training a marriage therapist has completed.

3. You stick with the first marriage therapist you see even when you gut tells you not to.

You will know quite quickly, usually between one to three sessions, if this therapist is a fit and seems to get your situation and knows what they’re doing. Trust your gut. It is crucial for you both to like the therapist and agree that this person is a fit for you. Even if just one of you isn’t comfortable, it can sabotage the process.

4. You’re trying to find treatment at a bargain.

A highly qualified licensed marriage therapist is expensive. Most therapists will slide somewhat. But even so, expect to pay on average, depending upon your area, approximately $150 – $250 per session. Paying for therapy should help you feel more invested in its success. Keep in mind that marital distress is a critical matter.

Something else to think about…after polling a few attorneys about the average divorce costs their clients, I’m told between $10,000 – $100,000. The average cost of a course of couple therapy does not come close to the lower end of that range. Not to mention the emotional toll on you, your children, and your circle of friends, and relatives.

5. You have a negative attitude.

If you approach the process of therapy negatively or you want to blame your spouse for everything, it is likely to fail. Relationship problems can cast a dark cloud over everything in your life. I realize that it’s a lot to ask to be hopeful, but it is very important. It’s also unrealistic to think your spouse is completely responsible for all the problems. Be open to your own change and growth.

Starting off right and with the right marriage therapist

You may get lucky. You just might find a great therapist at a reasonable cost or one that is covered by your insurance. But, do you really want to roll the dice with one of the most important decisions of your life? One that could seal the fate of your marriage? I bet this sounds ludicrous, right? Here’s what to do instead:

  • If you have any friend who tells you they had a great experience with a couples’ therapist, ask who they saw. You may be reluctant to do this as you don’t wish to air your dirty laundry. You don’t have to say it’s for you. You can make that part up. It may seem a little old-fashioned, but it is still the best way to find a referral.
  • Ask a therapist you may know as an acquaintance or one you may see individually. It is likely they know a skilled couples therapist who has established an excellent reputation.
  • Search the directory of emotionally focused couple therapists (www.iceeft) to see if there is someone trained in this approach in your area.

When searching for a potential marriage therapist, choose carefully and wisely. It’s not the time to shop around for the least expensive rate. It’s definitely not the time to see someone without extensive training in marriage therapy.

Once you find a marriage therapist you wish to try, spend several minutes interviewing them on the phone asking about their training, the percentage of their practice that is couples (it should be 50% or more) and how they work. After the first few visits if you and your partner aren’t feeling it’s the right choice, move on!

I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman, a nationally recognized marriage expert and marriage therapist in private practice online and in South Florida. Please reach out to me to talk more about how I can help you! Check out my FREE GUIDE  just for couples seeking help. 

What To Do To Help Save Your Marriage If Your Spouse Asks For A Divorce

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divorce

Whether it seems “out of the blue” or you have been sensing it for a long time, it is scary as hell when your spouse wants a divorce. (By the way, it’s almost never “out of the blue,” but that’s another article). Maybe at this point, you will do anything to save your marriage…even marriage therapy. Anyway, what if your spouse says  those dreadful words…“I’m done…I want a divorce?”

As the saying goes, it’s not over ‘till it’s over. If you still desire to save your marriage, there are many things you should (and should not) be doing if your spouse is seriously considering divorce.

Here are the top 10 things you SHOULD NOT do if your spouse asks for a divorce and you want to save your marriage:

  • Do not beg, plead, pursue, or make demands. This will have the opposite effect and turn your spouse off.
  • Do not make excessive phone calls and texts to your spouse. Do not act desperate or needy.
  • Do not continually point out all good points in marriage or about you.
  • Do not try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your wedding pictures, etc.
  • Do not trail your spouse around the house like a sad puppy. In fact, do not appear like a sad puppy at all!
  • Do not ask family or friends to encourage your spouse to stay with you. Discussing such personal matters with these people will upset your spouse and make things worse.
  • Do not buy gifts, flowers, and cards to make up for what you may have done. You will not be successful at buying back love.
  • Do not spy on spouse by following in your car, checking emails, cell phone, bills, etc.
  • Do not say “I love you.” Your spouse is not in the mood to hear it right now, and it will come off as manipulative or “pushy.”
  • Do not go wild. Stay away from drugs, alcohol, the bar scene or having sex with others. If you really want to get your spouse back, these behaviors will not do it!

Here are the top 10 things you SHOULD DO if your spouse wants to divorce and you want to save your marriage:

  • Do bring your “best self” to this crisis. It is not the time to fall apart, go into a rage or get vengeful.  Muster up the best attitude you can.
  • Do keep up with your appearance. Going unshaven, stinking from not showering, looking like a slob or sitting endlessly on the couch watching TV will not be enticing to your spouse at all.
  • Do behave respectfully toward your spouse and have self-respect as well.
  • Do act as though you are moving forward with confidence regardless of whether or not your spouse stays with you.
  • Do keep busy. Continue your day to day activities. And, go out on your own, with friends, with family and the kids. Go to a place of worship, try a new hobby, get some exercise. In other words, get a life for yourself despite what happens with your marriage. You may invite your spouse, but do not react negatively if he or she does not take you up on your suggestion. Do not change your intended plans.
  • Do give your spouse some space! Do not question your spouse about his/her whereabouts or schedule.
  • Do let your spouse see you as content regardless of your current feelings. Your moods will be fluctuating. However, you should be someone that your spouse would want to be around because you are pleasant.
  • Do allow your spouse to come to you with any questions or concerns about the marriage, not the other way around. Other than sincerely letting your partner know that you want to save the marriage, be patient about any discussions about you two. If he or she does come to talk, be an active and engaged listener, showing you care about what is being said.
  • Do not engage in arguments.  Do not “take the bait” if your spouse tries to get you to do this.  You may even have to walk away. (If your spouse claims that you “always walk away,” just state you would be happy to stay and have a civil conversation…then do it!)
  • Do get help. Read self-help or self-improvement books or see a counselor. Divorce Remedy is a good book for your circumstances.

It can be devastating to hear that your spouse wants to leave you. Even spouses that say they want to divorce are actually still somewhat ambivalent about doing so. You want the best opportunity to have things work out in your favor. Many people completely sabotage this by acting desperate, angry, nasty or vengeful. This is the opposite of what you should be doing.  It’s also not a bad idea to suggest a process called discernment counseling to see if he/she is willing to push “pause” on the process so you can both rationally sort through the options for the future of your marriage.

Follow these dos and don’ts and, above all, be consistent in these actions and behaviors. You must demonstrate that you are capable of real change. You need to think deeply about what has gotten you both to this place in your relationship where divorce is on the table. What are the reasons divorce is now imminent? What behaviors are you willing to change to get your marriage on track? Think about what your spouse has probably been complaining about for a very long time. What have you been remiss in hearing and responding to?

It may seem unfair that you have to do all the changing. For now, yes, you most likely do because you are at a disadvantage. It’s essential that you start changing first and before you expect change from your partner. If you have an addiction (porn, substance or other) or you had an affair or you are abusive (physical and/or emotional), you must get your own treatment to work on these. You will also have a long road ahead of you to repair the damage you caused.

Making positive changes (whether your marriage works out or not) is always a good idea. Chances are there are some behaviors or traits you have that would be problematic in most relationships. If you can get your spouse back on board with you about working on the marriage, making changes would definitely not have been in vain.

I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman, is a licensed psychotherapist in Boca Raton, Florida who specializes in working with couples who are highly distressed or on the brink of divorce. Reach out to me for help with your marriage. 

Why is Couples Therapy So Expensive?

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couples therapy expense

If you have been searching for couples therapy in your area, you are likely experiencing “sticker shock.” Some of the best therapists in town are charging between $200 – $300 per hour.  After crunching the numbers, you realize if you need months of therapy than it will amount to a few thousand dollars. So, you are likely wondering,  is couples therapy really worth the expense?

Yes it is, and here are the reasons why marriage and couples therapy can be so expensive:

  1. The therapist who (truly) specializes in couples therapy has extensive and costly training that enables them to do this work. All of these specialists have a minimum of a masters degree and many have a doctorate. These degrees require years of post-graduate study. After this extensive education, therapists must do their clinical hours under supervision that they pay for on a weekly basis for a minimum of two years. Many therapists elect to complete additional training in a particular method of couples’ therapy (such as EFT or The Gottman Method). Therefore, marriage therapists are highly educated and highly skilled, and their expertise is not, and should not be, inexpensive.
  2. Insurance does not cover couples therapy. Relationship problems and couples/marriage therapy do not have a “billable diagnostic code” for insurance.  Some therapists will give one partner a diagnosis and bill for sessions under that client. You may be able to find a therapist willing to do this, but again, he or she may be a general therapist and not have specialized training to work with couples. Some therapists ethically wish to avoid labeling one of you when the problem being treated is a relational Unfortunately, insurance reimbursement DOES NOT commensurate with the experience of those who specialize in couples therapy or other complex mental health disorders.
  3. Couples therapy takes longer than individual therapy. Relationship dynamics are complex. Working with you both as a couple will take more time than individual therapy.  The assessment process alone can take up to four sessions. You also may have waited too long to get help and the problems can be bigger and more complicated by the time you finally make the call to find a therapist.
  4. Couples therapists have a hard time with the “50 minute hour.” The sweet spot for an effective couples’ session seems to be around 75 – 90 minutes.  Research supports this estimate. Things are usually hitting a pivotal point around 50 – 60 minutes and stopping right then is difficult.  It is much better to tie up loose ends as much as possible in each session and this often requires more time with two people than it does with one.

Options If You Can’t Afford Couples Therapy

Keep in mind that marriage therapy will always cost less than a divorce.  If you are financially struggling, you may be able to find a “sliding fee” therapist or community agency for less than a traditional marriage therapist.  If you are near a university or training center, going to that institution’s clinic may be a viable solution as well, but expect to be working with someone still under supervision for their degree and/or license.  Note that the quality may vary with these selections, so be sure to ask the right questions to find out about the therapist’s specialized training with couples and/or how he or she will be supervised.

A couples workshop or group is also often a lower cost option. Reading highly recommended self-help books together can also be beneficial. These options may only work for couples with minor or less complicated issues. Doing a workshop and reading self-help books can also possibly assist in shortening the time you need to be in marriage therapy.

It never hurts to ask the therapist for a reduced fee.  The worst he or she can say is “no.”  The next question might be about another therapist or a resource the therapist might recommend in your area if their services are still beyond your financial reach.

Although couple therapy is costly, it is absolutely worth it. If you are not sure that it is right for you and your spouse, you both can always commit to an initial visit only at first.  Making the effort to find the best help you can afford or budget your money for this service is a sound idea.  When you commit to counseling, give it a full and sincere effort and you will find it was a wise investment in your relationship.

I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman, a licensed marriage and family therapist with extensive training in couples therapy. My office is in Boca Raton, Florida but I also conduct online therapy sessions. Reach out for more information. This article was originally written for Brides.com.

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