Congratulations if you have decided to seek help to fix your marriage. If you are, it is likely that your problems have been going on for a while, maybe even years. Whatever it is that has you saying “it’s time to try marriage therapy,” you’ve made a wise decision. Step one, you must find the right person to help you and your spouse.
Finding a marriage therapist, especially a competent one that you both agree on, can seem like a daunting task. It is likely you are going to turn to your health insurance plan or Google. Here’s where things can get tricky, and I will tell you why.
Reasons you may set your marriage therapy up for failure
1. You take a shot in the dark with Google.
I have seen some of the most beautiful websites with all the bells and whistles of therapists who have no clue what they are doing. Anyone can create a website and put nearly whatever they want on there. Please don’t be fooled by a beautiful website.
Secondly, you will see lots of buzzwords you may have heard on Oprah or somewhere else. The bottom line is that at this point in time, the most thoroughly researched method of helping couples is called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. All of the studies over the past twenty years has shown the most positive results of any form of treatment. If another approach surpasses these results, I will update this article to reflect this new information.
2. You go to your insurance plan directory.
The providers on your plan do have to go through a bit more of a screening. But a clear majority of the providers are general therapists, not specialists. Therapists who specialize are most often out of network or self-pay only. This is most often because the insurance reimbursement rate does not commensurate with experience and costly training a marriage therapist has completed.
3. You stick with the first marriage therapist you see even when you gut tells you not to.
You will know quite quickly, usually between one to three sessions, if this therapist is a fit and seems to get your situation and knows what they’re doing. Trust your gut. It is crucial for you both to like the therapist and agree that this person is a fit for you. Even if just one of you isn’t comfortable, it can sabotage the process.
4. You’re trying to find treatment at a bargain.
A highly qualified licensed marriage therapist is expensive. Most therapists will slide somewhat. But even so, expect to pay on average, depending upon your area, approximately $150 – $250 per session. Paying for therapy should help you feel more invested in its success. Keep in mind that marital distress is a critical matter.
Something else to think about…after polling a few attorneys about the average divorce costs their clients, I’m told between $10,000 – $100,000. The average cost of a course of couple therapy does not come close to the lower end of that range. Not to mention the emotional toll on you, your children, and your circle of friends, and relatives.
5. You have a negative attitude.
If you approach the process of therapy negatively or you want to blame your spouse for everything, it is likely to fail. Relationship problems can cast a dark cloud over everything in your life. I realize that it’s a lot to ask to be hopeful, but it is very important. It’s also unrealistic to think your spouse is completely responsible for all the problems. Be open to your own change and growth.
Starting off right and with the right marriage therapist
You may get lucky. You just might find a great therapist at a reasonable cost or one that is covered by your insurance. But, do you really want to roll the dice with one of the most important decisions of your life? One that could seal the fate of your marriage? I bet this sounds ludicrous, right? Here’s what to do instead:
- If you have any friend who tells you they had a great experience with a couples’ therapist, ask who they saw. You may be reluctant to do this as you don’t wish to air your dirty laundry. You don’t have to say it’s for you. You can make that part up. It may seem a little old-fashioned, but it is still the best way to find a referral.
- Ask a therapist you may know as an acquaintance or one you may see individually. It is likely they know a skilled couples therapist who has established an excellent reputation.
- Search the directory of emotionally focused couple therapists (www.iceeft) to see if there is someone trained in this approach in your area.
When searching for a potential marriage therapist, choose carefully and wisely. It’s not the time to shop around for the least expensive rate. It’s definitely not the time to see someone without extensive training in marriage therapy.
Once you find a marriage therapist you wish to try, spend several minutes interviewing them on the phone asking about their training, the percentage of their practice that is couples (it should be 50% or more) and how they work. After the first few visits if you and your partner aren’t feeling it’s the right choice, move on!
I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman, a nationally recognized marriage expert and marriage therapist in private practice online and in South Florida. Please reach out to me to talk more about how I can help you! Check out my FREE GUIDE just for couples seeking help.
