What You Should Know about Domestic Violence in Romantic Relationships

domestic violence

It is important to determine the differences between coercive and situational violence.

You have probably heard a story like this (or might even be yours). Someone you know—a typically mild-mannered professional friend of yours who just got arrested on a domestic violence charge. You are shocked to hear this news as this is the last person you would expect to get arrested for something like this. Well, I have news for you too—your friend is also shocked (and likely embarrassed and ashamed). Sometimes these incidents happen suddenly after a trigger that causes someone to “lose it.” Other times it happens on occasion when fights get too escalated between a husband and wife. Such occasional violence between a couple is termed situational couple violence, and it’s not only different from other forms of violence, but it is also surprisingly commonplace.

Over the past several years, research on the topic of violence between intimate partners has shown that such violence varies in type and pattern. Violence is never acceptable, however, understanding the difference between an ongoing pattern of domestic violence and infrequent or random situation violence is essential. Such information has implications in the legal, treatment and educational arenas impacting child custody and access disputes, parenting plans, the parent-child relationship and the co-parenting relationship during separation and divorce. The different types also affect decisions as to whether or not reconciliation measures, such as marriage therapy, are contraindicated. How likely the violence is going to cease or come up again in the future also varies by type. Let’s take a closer look at these matters as it relates to the four forms of violence.

Four Types of Violence Between Intimate Partners

  • Coercive Controlling Violence

This is a chronic pattern of emotional abuse, intimidation, coercion, and control combined with physical violence against a partner that is also known as “battering.” Characterized by power and control, it is more often by a male perpetrator towards a female victim. Perpetrators of this violence often show clinically significant symptoms of personality disorder traits (i.e., sociopathy) and misogynistic attitudes. The violent behaviors may even continue after the demise of the relationship with ongoing intimidation, threats, and stalking. The victim is often left in constant fear of retaliation and often suffers ongoing psychological symptoms.

  • Violent Resistance

This violence arises most often in the context of self-defense, reactivity or resistance by the victim towards the perpetrator after experiencing coercive controlling violence. It sometimes rises to extreme violence, even murder, from victims referred to as having “battered wife syndrome.”

  • Situational Couple Violence

This type of violence does not have its basis in the dynamic of power, coercion, and control. Perpetrated roughly equal amongst the genders, it plays out quite differently than the other types of violence and has very different causes and consequences.

This type of violence generally results from situations or arguments between partners that escalate on occasion into physical violence because one (or both) partners poorly manage their conflicts or control their anger. The violent acts are most often “minor” in nature (i.e., a scratching, pushing, grabbing) and does not result in major injury.

This type of violence is also not likely to escalate over time during the course of the relationship. It may involve one isolated incident or occur sporadically or regularly during arguments. There may also be verbally aggressive behaviors (i.e., cursing, yelling, name calling) and feelings of jealousy within the relationship.

  • Separation-Instigated Violence

This is violence that occurs for the very first time in the relationship and precipitates an initial separation (i.e., partner asks for a divorce or serves partner with divorce papers). This term, separation-instigated violence, is only used if there is no prior history of violence in the relationship. It frequently viewed as both unexpected and uncharacteristic of the person who usually has a reliable history of “normal” and civilized behavior.

Instances of this sort of violence are often a sudden lashing out, throwing objects at the partner, destroying property (cherished pictures/heirlooms, throwing clothes into the street), brandishing a weapon and sideswiping or ramming the partner’s car. The partner instigating such violence is more likely to acknowledge their aberrant behavior rather than deny or deflect it. They are often embarrassed, ashamed, and remorseful of their actions as well. These people that seem to suddenly “snap” have often been very caring, involved parents during the marital relationship, with good relationships with their children. Shocked and scared by the unaccustomed violence, the victim (and often the children) may, unfortunately, assume a new image of this person as dangerous.

Treatment Recommendations

For professionals in family court or the private sector, it is crucial to complete proper assessments and ask the right questions to distinguish the forms of violence just mentioned. Professional guidance should be sought from those with specialized training in this area. Appropriate treatment recommendations should be made depending on the assessment results.

With situational violence, it is often recommended people attend cognitive behavioral groups and treatment with a focus on skills needed to prevent arguments from escalating to verbal aggression and ultimately to violence. These groups teach both behavioral and thought restructuring anger management techniques. Exercises are also designed to develop effective communication skills including the ability to use assertiveness without the need for aggressiveness. These, as well as other approaches,  are also used in marriage counseling sessions with both partners participating.

On the contrary, couples therapy approaches are almost never recommended for coercive controlling violence or batterer programs because of the threat and ongoing fear they might pose to victims. Therapeutic strategies are typically used in a group format composed only of violent men or women and without their partners present. Partners are not treated together until there is a significant amount of physical and emotional safety to the victim.

In conclusion, current research provides a substantial amount of evidence for the need to distinguish among the different types of violence that can occur between romantic partners. In the forensic arena, such categories of violent behavior are beneficial to those required to make recommendations and decisions about child custody, parenting plans, treatment programs, and legal sanctions. Programs that focus on the reasons for and circumstances surrounding the different types of violence are more likely to achieve positive results than merely using a one-size-fits-all approach.

Source: Kelly, J. B., & Johnson, M. P. (2008). Differentiation among types of intimate partner violence: Research update and implications for interventions. Family court review, 46(3), 476-499.

Hi! I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman. I am a trained and experienced marriage therapist who frequently works with highly distressed couples in my Boca Raton, Florida practice. This article was originally written for the Rossen Law Firm in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida and can also be read on their website.

Four Major Reasons for Divorce

marital problems

Reasons for DivorceThe most challenging of marital problems often involves what is called the “4 A’s.” These are adultery, addiction, abuse, and agendas.  It is worthwhile to distinguish between what is considered “hard” reasons (such as the 4 A’s) vs. “soft” reasons people often cite when giving up on their marriages.  “Soft” reasons are not synonymous with “trivial” reasons. Soft reasons consist of everything other than the 4 A’s.  Examples are growing apart, boredom, poor communication or feeling you have little in common with your partner. When compared with soft reasons, the 4 A’s pose bigger challenges to the viability of your marriage and are more likely to lead to divorce.

Here are the four hard reasons for divorce: 

ADULTERY

Adultery (also called infidelity) is extramarital sexual relations that are thought to be objectionable on several grounds including social, religious, moral and possibly legal. In some cultures, it is considered criminal as well, but this is not the case in the U.S. and in most Western countries. Adultery is a serious problem within a supposedly monogamous marriage. There is debate as to what sexual activities besides intercourse actually constitute adultery. What may be more reverent to focus on is the fact that one partner is keeping secrets and having an inappropriate relationship that may span the continuum from emotional to physical, and that when this comes to light it most often causes a significant crisis in the marriage. Infidelity is often a consequence of other underlying, unresolved problems in the marriage.  On the other hand, people who cheat may have a sex addiction or sexually compulsive behavior. Some people believe that cheaters have “bad character.”

ADDICTION

Addiction is a disorder that results when a person uses a substance such as alcohol, cocaine or heroin or engages in an activity such as sex, gambling or shopping, which continued behavior becomes compulsive and interferes with usual life responsibilities. Life responsibilities impacted include interpersonal relationships, work, and/or health. There may be a physiological dependence when addicted to a substance. This means the body has adapted to the substance so that more and more is needed to achieve the same effect. This is also known as “tolerance.”  Denial is often present as addicts are usually not aware that their behavior is destructive, out of control and causing enormous problems for both themselves and those around them.  Among those most negatively impacted are the addict’s spouse and children.  The spouse of a partner with addiction can fall, albeit unintentionally, into the role of enabler by over-helping and preventing their partner from suffering the consequences of the addiction. This unhealthy, codependent behavior also becomes utterly draining for the enabling spouse.

ABUSE

Abuse in a relationship may be physical, emotional, verbal, and/or economic.  Physical abuse, also known as “domestic violence,” is clearer as it involves the infliction of physical pain (e.g. hitting, pushing, grabbing, etc.). On the contrary, emotional abuse is often quite subtle. This abuse occurs when a partner has you constantly “walking on eggshells” or feeling manipulated.  Examples may be a partner who is excessively jealous or controlling, who often makes fun of you, guilt trips, withdraws affection or gives the silent treatment, among other actions. Economic abuse involves a spouse who excessively controls the finances.  The controlled spouse’s self- esteem is chipped away by the abusive partner leaving them feeling powerless, shut down, fearful and ultimately very unhappy in the marriage.

AGENDAS

People change continuously. Whether it be personal growth or new situations that you need to adapt to, you and your partner are likely not exactly the same as the day you married. The success of your marriage will depend, in part, on how you adapt to each other through these personal changes. Supporting each other’s goals is critical, but what happens when they are very opposite?  For example, a spouse wants to start a new career from scratch, you decide city living is no longer for you and you wish to move to the country, or one of you wants to change your religion? When your agendas are on different pages, you will most likely have a severe or even unresolvable relationship crisis on your hands.

The 4A’s are difficult challenges to the sustainability of your marriage. They will frequently and inevitably lead to divorce. If not divorce, then an unhappy and disconnected marriage. Especially if you both do not get professional help to work through these issues. The person who is committing the acts of cheating, addiction, or abuse should also undergo their own personal therapy to specifically work on self-change in these problematic areas. Help is available with qualified and experienced therapists and this will give you a fighting chance to identify and work through these roadblocks.

 I am here to offer you private and confidential help if the the 4A’s are wrecking your relationship. Reach out to discuss your options. Also, check out my FREE GUIDE just for couples looking for help.