Relationships & Marriage

6 Practical Tips For Defusing Arguments With Your Partner

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arguments

6 Practical Tips For Defusing Arguments With Your Partner

Arguments in your relationship are an inevitable part of life. Most of us have heated discussions with those we are closest to us, and that particularly holds true with our partners However, while conflicts may sometimes be unavoidable, letting matters get out of hand is not. If you find yourself in a verbal altercation, use these tips to defuse the argument and return you to a place of peace and calm where you can rationally discuss your differences. 

 1. Listen. In most arguments, neither side is completely right or completely wrong. Your partner probably does have a point. If you can learn to see their perspective, you will understand why they are angry or upset. This will allow you to give a little ground and move toward a positive agreement. Many fights boil down to a misunderstanding. You might not even be arguing about the same thing. Slow down and listen and you may find your differences are less significant than you thought.

 2. Calm down. Many arguments that should be minor can quickly blow up because both parties let their emotions get the better of them. In the heat of the moment, mean, damaging words can be spoken that will later be deeply regretted. Avoid such mistakes by staying as calm as possible. Given how hard this often is to do, a good idea is to take a short break from the discussion if you feel your own intensity rising. When you take this break, don’t think about the argument or what you want to say. In fact, do something distracting, relaxing or stress-reducing before returning to the conversation. 

3. Accept your differences. Ideally, all arguments would end with both sides agreeing and walking away happy. In the real world, some differences can’t realistically be solved. One of the keys to conflict management is learning when to recognize a “lost cause”. If neither of you is going to budge, then humbly end the conversation and move on.

For example, many happily married couples have learned that there are certain topics they should not discuss. Perhaps politics, or the behavior of a relative. It helps if you can accept that some problems in your marriage are not solvable. 

4. Stick to the topic. An argument about who forgot to take out the trash should not be used as an excuse to belittle your partner’s character. Such contempt (for example, insults, belligerence, eye rolling), is very dangerous to a long-term relationship and is one of the predictors of divorce. When you are irritated it is easy for the scope of a fight to broaden, and for the dispute to become a chance for both sides to vent their annoyance on any and all topics. This sort of “kitchen sinking” will just cause more pain and will not help solve the original problem. If you must argue, at least stay focused on the matter at hand. The more the argument centers on specifics, the better the chance for a peaceful outcome. 

5. Stop caring about ‘winning’. When couples get into big arguments, their egos can get in the way of a resolution. Sometimes a dispute of minuscule proportions will continue for hours because each partner wants to ‘win’ the argument and prove the other person wrong. Of course, this only makes matters worse. Remember, harsh fighting is a lose-lose scenario for a marriage. You will ultimately be happier if you back down or just agree to disagree. Trying to win the argument will only make reconciliation harder. 

6. Watch your body language and tone. Confrontations that become destructive are most frequently about triggering each other. Our brains often pay more attention to the nonverbal, tone, facial expression than the actual words.  Shouting and screaming, an aggressive, standoffish stance or refusing to talk can do just as much damage as harsh words spoken. Sometimes, without even noticing, a person will raise their voice or have a belligerent tone. Pay attention to how you hold yourself, and speak in a softer, calmer and more neutral voice. Whatever the nature of the discussion, maintaining a friendly attitude will indicate that you do not want the argument to escalate. Share and discuss these techniques with each other. The two of you will probably still get into arguments, but at least you will have a method for minimizing unnecessary escalations or insults, and resolve it without lingering bad feelings. Bringing empathy for your partner and a curiosity towards their views and feelings will also go a long way. If you find that you keep engage in repeated, negative patterns of fighting, professional guidance from a couple therapist is always available to get you on the right track. 

I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman, a highly trained couple therapist in South Florida. If you and your partner need help with communication problems, don’t hesitate to reach out to me!

Are You Passive-Aggressive in Your Relationship?

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passive-aggressive

Recognizing behavior flaws such as a passive-aggressive communication style in others, particularly your partner, is usually easier than acknowledging your own shortcomings. Countless people are hostile in passive ways, yet, many have no idea that their conduct could be described in such a way.

You may be passive-aggressive if you sulk, conveniently “forget” to do things for a partner you’re upset with, or you are aware that you are exceedingly uncomfortable around anger. If you are passive-aggressive, chances are it is damaging both your romantic and other close relationships.

What is passive-aggressiveness?

Passive aggressiveness emerges as hostility that is not openly aired, at least not verbally.

Someone might “forget” to do something for a person they hold a hidden grudge against.  Alternatively, he or she may take a long time to perform such tasks, be late constantly, make faces behind someone’s back, or engage in a variety of other antagonistic behaviors. In close and intimate relationships such as marriage, a spouse might withhold affection, eye-roll and “huff and puff” instead of openly expressing anger or other uncomfortable feelings. Alternatively, the spouse will make their partner’s life difficult in some other manner. Passive-aggressiveness often arises in response to your partner’s demands and requests. Or, you are unhappy about some aspect of the relationship and are not directly expressing this or looking to collaboratively problem solve.  

What makes people passive-aggressive?

Much of the time, demonstrating hostility in such an indirect or complicated way stems from childhood. Children who are taught that anger is a terrible emotion or ridiculed when they reveal their temper, get the message that exhibiting strong emotions (such as anger) overtly is unacceptable.

Children then fail to learn how to adequately express feelings that they perceive as undesirable. Sometimes, even a belief that they are incompetent and imagine that they will not be taken seriously if they show anger. On other occasions, they may be afraid that their anger could spark rage from someone else, which they won’t be able to manage.  Expressing anger verbally is difficult for such individuals since they do not possess the necessary communication skills.

Does this sound like you?

If you think you may be passive-aggressive, do not panic! This does not make you “defective.”  Displaying hostility passively means you have not learned more efficient and effective ways of communicating. And, let’s face it, your behavior does not usually afford you what you want.

Can you change the way you communicate?

While altering a life-long habit may not be an easy task, it is definitely possible – and well worth the effort – to develop assertive communication skills and learn how to handle anger effectively and express yourself.

The first step is to recognize the unhealthy behavior you display when you are angry. Each time you feel the urge to carry out similar practices in the future, stand back, and take inventory of your actions. Ask yourself whether there are alternate ways you could express how you feel that are likely to be beneficial and more readily get your needs met.

Being direct, telling your partner that you are angry, and what exactly is bothering you, is the healthy and productive way to respond.

There are effective ways to communicate aren’t argument inducing or antagonistic. Begin by saying how their actions make you feel, and if relevant, how the behavior is detrimental to your well-being. Avoid shouting, swearing, accusing, and name-calling at all costs. Instead, begin sentences with “I” and follow with a factual description of why you feel hurt.

Poor communication patterns such as passive-aggressiveness are not that uncommon since many people act out their hostility rather than communicating verbally on occasion. Nevertheless, when doing so is repetitious, meaningful relationships—such as your marriage—can slowly crumble and break down. Learning how to express yourself in constructive ways can rebuild damaged relationships and prevent them from falling apart.

If you liked this article, you’ll enjoy listening to my interview on the I DO podcast: Navigating Passive-Aggressive Relationships. 

 

Do you need help with assertive communication in your life? As a therapist, I do this all the time! Feel free to reach out to me for help.

How to Let Go When Your Partner Refuses to Change

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trying-to-change

When you have been doing everything possible to get your partner to change a behavior that bothers or concerns you, and it still doesn’t change, you will eventually reach a crossroads in your relationship. If leaving the relationship isn’t an option, you must find a way to let go of your attempts to change or control your partner. If you continue to focus on your mate, you will continue to suffer.  Letting go and accepting that your partner won’t change is a tremendous gift you can and should give yourself.

Letting Go of Control

It is possible that you may not be tuned in to a big part of the dynamic between you and others that involves your need to control them. It is essential to recognize and let go of any need, motivation, or desire to control or manage others, including your partner. It’s time to admit that you can only control yourself.

In an unfulfilling relationship you might tend to want to help, fix, protect, or rescue. As natural as it is to want to do this with someone we care about, who we perceive as stuck or struggling, it only works in Hollywood movies. In real life, it makes things worse because it doesn’t work—period. Furthermore, one truth you should embrace is that not everyone will want to change, and that’s okay. Just as it is okay for you to make the decision about what you want to change about yourself; everyone else has the same prerogative.

When you stop trying to control someone else, you empower yourself in ways you may not have realized. You can shift that energy into something that is changeable. In some situations, you may begin to recognize aspects of yourself that you wish to change instead. You will no longer be deflecting outward but inward. When you stop controlling others, it’s probable that you will now be focusing on what the actual problem is (and it won’t be what you had thought it was) and find that you can effectively solve it.

Leveraging Your Strengths

Most people have to make an effort to think positively instead of negatively (called a negativity bias). The constant focus on dysfunction, disease and what’s wrong is frequently viewed as both undesirable and possibly even harmful. Maintaining a pessimistic view takes away our perception that we have choices in how we want to think and behave. You can adjust your thinking and focus on strengths that help establish a more optimistic outlook. Doing so will affirm your mental toughness and make you a happier person.

The first step to leveraging your strengths is to take inventory of them. Do not downplay or minimize any possible strength! It’s time to boast a bit and bask in the glory of your positive attributes. Think about what comes to mind on your own, comments and compliments you have been given by others, or direct feedback from school or work by way of grades or raises.

Falling in Love with Yourself

Loving yourself is an excellent idea! I’m not talking about the narcissistic version of self-love but the version where you have positive regard for your own well-being and happiness. People who pour themselves into a troubled relationship find that they have neglected their individual needs and contentment. They have not been, loving or kind toward themselves, even if it is unintentional.

Self-love is about putting yourself first, forgiving your mistakes, and accepting yourself regardless of perceived imperfections. It is also about embracing joy, realizing your ability to grow and taking care of and protecting yourself.  It can influence your choices in love, work, and friendships. It can impact your ability to cope with distress. Engaging in loving and kind self-care behaviors is an ongoing practice, and it will help you live with integrity and intention.

Finding a Sense of Purpose

Without a sense of purpose, you will continue to mentally suffer. Without purpose, you will meander pointlessly through life without intention. For example, your tendency to continuously try to fix your relationship can be an attempt to alleviate your pain around it. But, it may have unintentionally become your purpose, and it is an unhealthy one that will never leave you in peace. Alternatively, having a healthy and an invigorating sense of purpose, engaging in work and activities that bring joy and satisfaction, will help you thrive in life and your relationships.

By focusing attention outward, your mental energy is channeled into something useful and purposeful. It is not concentrated inward on yourself, your negative mood, obsessive thoughts, and so on. It is valuable to think about being part of something bigger than yourself, especially when it involves helping mankind. Doing so will improve your sense of achievement, self-worth, self-esteem, confidence, and well-being.

Finding Meaning in Your Struggles

If your search for a meaningful romantic connection has been rife with struggle, you can benefit from finding the meaning and lessons that lie within those struggles. View pain as a hidden invitation to growth. You are stronger than you think you are to have come this far already. Now start exploring the significance of the hurt and pain and perhaps even the positives have come out of your experiences. You do not have to be thankful for the experience itself, but maybe you might be grateful for the meaning found and lessons learned from it.

You may not have realized that there is a lot you can do when you give up trying to change your partner. Gaining self-awareness about your own behavior, learning to love yourself, focusing on your strengths and developing a sense of purpose are all worthwhile strategies in these circumstances. Shifting your focus may open up a world of possibility and growth you didn’t realize was possible.

Dr. Marni Feuerman originally wrote this article for Sharon Martin’s “Happily Imperfect” blog on PsychCentral.com. Dr. Marni is a psychotherapist and author in Boca Raton, Florida. Reach out to her at 561-544-8011 for help.

What You Should Know about Domestic Violence in Romantic Relationships

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domestic violence

It is important to determine the differences between coercive and situational violence.

You have probably heard a story like this (or might even be yours). Someone you know—a typically mild-mannered professional friend of yours who just got arrested on a domestic violence charge. You are shocked to hear this news as this is the last person you would expect to get arrested for something like this. Well, I have news for you too—your friend is also shocked (and likely embarrassed and ashamed). Sometimes these incidents happen suddenly after a trigger that causes someone to “lose it.” Other times it happens on occasion when fights get too escalated between a husband and wife. Such occasional violence between a couple is termed situational couple violence, and it’s not only different from other forms of violence, but it is also surprisingly commonplace.

Over the past several years, research on the topic of violence between intimate partners has shown that such violence varies in type and pattern. Violence is never acceptable, however, understanding the difference between an ongoing pattern of domestic violence and infrequent or random situation violence is essential. Such information has implications in the legal, treatment and educational arenas impacting child custody and access disputes, parenting plans, the parent-child relationship and the co-parenting relationship during separation and divorce. The different types also affect decisions as to whether or not reconciliation measures, such as marriage therapy, are contraindicated. How likely the violence is going to cease or come up again in the future also varies by type. Let’s take a closer look at these matters as it relates to the four forms of violence.

Four Types of Violence Between Intimate Partners

  • Coercive Controlling Violence

This is a chronic pattern of emotional abuse, intimidation, coercion, and control combined with physical violence against a partner that is also known as “battering.” Characterized by power and control, it is more often by a male perpetrator towards a female victim. Perpetrators of this violence often show clinically significant symptoms of personality disorder traits (i.e., sociopathy) and misogynistic attitudes. The violent behaviors may even continue after the demise of the relationship with ongoing intimidation, threats, and stalking. The victim is often left in constant fear of retaliation and often suffers ongoing psychological symptoms.

  • Violent Resistance

This violence arises most often in the context of self-defense, reactivity or resistance by the victim towards the perpetrator after experiencing coercive controlling violence. It sometimes rises to extreme violence, even murder, from victims referred to as having “battered wife syndrome.”

  • Situational Couple Violence

This type of violence does not have its basis in the dynamic of power, coercion, and control. Perpetrated roughly equal amongst the genders, it plays out quite differently than the other types of violence and has very different causes and consequences.

This type of violence generally results from situations or arguments between partners that escalate on occasion into physical violence because one (or both) partners poorly manage their conflicts or control their anger. The violent acts are most often “minor” in nature (i.e., a scratching, pushing, grabbing) and does not result in major injury.

This type of violence is also not likely to escalate over time during the course of the relationship. It may involve one isolated incident or occur sporadically or regularly during arguments. There may also be verbally aggressive behaviors (i.e., cursing, yelling, name calling) and feelings of jealousy within the relationship.

  • Separation-Instigated Violence

This is violence that occurs for the very first time in the relationship and precipitates an initial separation (i.e., partner asks for a divorce or serves partner with divorce papers). This term, separation-instigated violence, is only used if there is no prior history of violence in the relationship. It frequently viewed as both unexpected and uncharacteristic of the person who usually has a reliable history of “normal” and civilized behavior.

Instances of this sort of violence are often a sudden lashing out, throwing objects at the partner, destroying property (cherished pictures/heirlooms, throwing clothes into the street), brandishing a weapon and sideswiping or ramming the partner’s car. The partner instigating such violence is more likely to acknowledge their aberrant behavior rather than deny or deflect it. They are often embarrassed, ashamed, and remorseful of their actions as well. These people that seem to suddenly “snap” have often been very caring, involved parents during the marital relationship, with good relationships with their children. Shocked and scared by the unaccustomed violence, the victim (and often the children) may, unfortunately, assume a new image of this person as dangerous.

Treatment Recommendations

For professionals in family court or the private sector, it is crucial to complete proper assessments and ask the right questions to distinguish the forms of violence just mentioned. Professional guidance should be sought from those with specialized training in this area. Appropriate treatment recommendations should be made depending on the assessment results.

With situational violence, it is often recommended people attend cognitive behavioral groups and treatment with a focus on skills needed to prevent arguments from escalating to verbal aggression and ultimately to violence. These groups teach both behavioral and thought restructuring anger management techniques. Exercises are also designed to develop effective communication skills including the ability to use assertiveness without the need for aggressiveness. These, as well as other approaches,  are also used in marriage counseling sessions with both partners participating.

On the contrary, couples therapy approaches are almost never recommended for coercive controlling violence or batterer programs because of the threat and ongoing fear they might pose to victims. Therapeutic strategies are typically used in a group format composed only of violent men or women and without their partners present. Partners are not treated together until there is a significant amount of physical and emotional safety to the victim.

In conclusion, current research provides a substantial amount of evidence for the need to distinguish among the different types of violence that can occur between romantic partners. In the forensic arena, such categories of violent behavior are beneficial to those required to make recommendations and decisions about child custody, parenting plans, treatment programs, and legal sanctions. Programs that focus on the reasons for and circumstances surrounding the different types of violence are more likely to achieve positive results than merely using a one-size-fits-all approach.

Source: Kelly, J. B., & Johnson, M. P. (2008). Differentiation among types of intimate partner violence: Research update and implications for interventions. Family court review, 46(3), 476-499.

Hi! I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman. I am a trained and experienced marriage therapist who frequently works with highly distressed couples in my Boca Raton, Florida practice. This article was originally written for the Rossen Law Firm in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida and can also be read on their website.

Managing vs. Resolving Relationship Conflict: The Blueprints for Success

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relationship conflict

World renowned relationship researcher, Dr. John Gottman, tells us that some problems in a relationship are “unsolvable.” These may be things like personality traits your partner has that rubs you the wrong way or long-standing issues around spending and saving money.

What is emphasized within the findings of the research is the idea that two people in a relationship must learn to manage conflict constructively. Solving and resolving these arguments are essentially de-emphasized as it is not likely that a couple will ever completely eliminate them. In fact, sometimes such conflict is constructive or positive for growth! With that being said, let’s look at three main “relationship conflict blueprints” to help you and your partner manage arguments more constructively.

Conflict Blueprint #1:

This relationship conflict blueprint addresses current conflicts. Based on “game theory,” which describes how to improve cooperation with others, this blueprint stresses that both partners put off persuasion tactics until each one can state their position clearly and fully. This involves speaker/listener turn taking. Layered with that is also the idea that both must be emotionally calm (a.k.a. “down-regulated”) when speaking. The listener should even take notes on what is spoken. The speaker should focus on having a softened start-up, stating feelings, and asking for needs to be met in a positive way such as saying what you want (not what you don’t want).

Here are some tips to effectively navigate Blueprint #1:

  • Take a 15 – 20-minute break if things get too heated. When you return to talk, only one person should “have the floor” to talk while the other partner only listens. No interruptions!
  • Begin the conversation with a soft tone or a curious one. Use an “I-statement” to begin. For example, “I’m wondering if I could ask you something? I didn’t feel good when you spoke down to me in front of our friends. Were you aware of your tone?”
  • Use repair attempts! Say key phrases to help your partner see that you are trying to understand and de-escalate the conflict. For instance, you can apologize, use humor appropriately, say, “I hear you,” or “I understand” and so on.

Conflict Blueprint #2:

This relationship conflict blueprint focuses on discussing past emotional injuries that occurred during the relationship. Also called “attachment injuries” by Dr. Sue Johnson, these can create resentment from past events that have gone unresolved. These frequently involve breaches of trust. It is crucial to avoid getting sucked into a negative spiral during these talks. You both need to talk calmly and from the standpoint that there is no correct perception. The goals are to have some comprehension of each other’s perception, however divergent they might be, and to acknowledge that regrettable incidents are inevitable in long-term relationships.

Often a trigger for past underlying trauma from childhood, there are five primary components to a discussion about an emotional injury. These five steps are from the Gottman’s Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident booklet. A couple should focus on the feelings felt, personal realities, underlying triggers, taking responsibility and apologizing, and finally, productive plans for healing.

Here are some tips to effectively navigate Blueprint #2:

  • Apologize to the injured partner in a heartfelt way regardless as to whether or not you agree/disagree with their perception or recall of the particulars. Focus only on the fact that you caused your partner pain.
  • Verbalize what parts you are willing to take responsibility for and any other factors that played into you getting caught up in the fight. For example, “I was too harsh when I spoke to you…I was stressed all day and took it out on you…”
  • Ask your partner what he or she needs from you to heal. Be sure to follow through on the request.

Conflict Blueprint #3:

This relationship conflict blueprint explores the dreams within the conflict. Not all conflicts are created equal. The research helps explain that perpetual problems regularly concerned basic personality differences or core fundamental needs. Couples are often either “gridlocked” or “in dialogue” on the topic. Being in dialogue, the preferred status, is when the couple has learned to accept their differences on that topic but with minor arguments arising occasionally. Overall, peace has been made, and they both agree to disagree.

Moving from gridlock to dialogue involves examining the meaning, or dream, that underlies the partner’s position that he or she is holding to so steadfastly. Each partner may be able to find a way to honor their partner’s dream and what often amounts to a core need in respect to the issue. Those successfully navigating a recurring problem in their relationship have learned to express acceptance of their partners’ personality and are able to talk about and appreciate the underlying meaning of their position on the issue.

Here are some tips to effectively navigate Blueprint #3

  • Take turns speaking and listening. As the speaker, you should talk clearly and honestly about what your position on the topic means to you. Where does it come from and what does it symbolize for you?
  • As the listener, you must create a safe space for the speaker. No judging or arguing. Show genuine interest in what your partner is telling you.

Ironically, it may be comforting to know that virtually all relationships have some unsolvable, perpetual problems that continuously crop up throughout your lives as a couple. It has been said that choosing a partner is essentially choosing those problems along with the person. No one escapes this fact. What’s even more comforting is knowing that we have real science that helps a couple learn how to keep their love alive despite such conflicts.

Source: Gottman, J. M. & Schwartz-Gottman, J. (March 2017), The Natural Principles of Love, Journal of Family Theory and Review

I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman, a marriage therapist in Boca Raton, Florida who specializes in working with highly distressed couples. Reach out to me for relationship help! I originally wrote this article for The Gottman Institue Blog and it was also syndicated to ThriveGlobal.com, The Minds Journal, and turned into a podcast on Optimal Living Daily.

 

5 Fake Relationship Rules and What You Should Believe Instead

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fake relationship rules

There are many relationship rules. The things you “should” and “shouldn’t” do in your relationship. When there’s new information, it’s best to revise what you learned if it’s no longer relevant. Some rules, however, seem to want to stick around. Let’s look at the ones you should no longer believe, along with what’s really true.

The rules come from a combination of sources, including my professional work with couples as a marriage counselor, scientific research, and personal experience. Following the new relationship rules will help your bond stand the test of time!

  1. Fake: Try to fight fair. Truth: Try to fight well.

Fighting fair is next to impossible. To try to will only be frustrating and likely to make the fight worse. We all fight to win. You may as well admit it. But, in a romantic relationship, you should do everything possible to fight well instead. There is a big difference.

When you fight, you can try to listen, understand, empathize, and sincerely apologize if you did something wrong. This is how you fight well. The goal is to not to win the argument. In doing so, you will quickly become the enemy or the argument will escalate out of control. On the flip-side, you should not avoid a discussion that may need to take place.

Relationships have a lot of “rupture and repair” as they go on. When you both run into a rough spot, talk it out and try to end on a positive note. You both need to feel valued and heard regardless of the outcome. Realize that there is not always a perfect answer or solution.

2. Fake: Try to change your partner’s perspective. Truth: Try to understand your partner’s perspective.

This also applies if your partner’s view is utterly irrational. Yes, really! Our opinions don’t come out of nowhere. They are influenced by our past and our experiences. Our perspectives originate from the meaning we assign to them. They belong to us, and we are entitled to them. Therefore, trying to change their point of view, even if it doesn’t make much sense to us, will not work. It will also make the matter worse.

We all want to be understood. Trying to empathize and put yourself in your significant other’s shoes is the best way to handle this. You are not necessarily saying they are right. You are merely trying to get how and why they think and feel as they do.

3. Fake: If it’s really important to you, start the conversation (and with lot’s of ammo). Truth: Try a softer conversation start-up.

Your partner can set you off big time. When you are triggered, be careful how be begin the conversation. If you are over the top angry and attacking, I can tell you right now it is not going to go well. You may very well have the right to be upset but if you actually want a resolution to your complaint, get yourself in a calmer state of mind before approaching the issue with your partner. This works even if the topic is uber-important to you. In fact, softer vulnerable feelings draw people close to us, elicits empathy and makes what you’re trying to communicate more likely to be responded to by your partner.

4. Fake: If things are getting heated or not going your way, refuse to talk to calm it down. Truth: Try to talk even if you struggle or it’s getting heated.

Refusing to discuss a problem in your relationship is toxic. It may be really hard to talk. You might have trouble expressing yourself. You may feel too overwhelmed to speak. This is all understandable. However, you owe it to your relationship to find a way to discuss your thoughts and feelings.

I promise, you do not have to be Shakespeare, you just have to make a good faith attempt to talk. If it’s getting heated, tell your partner that you are taking a break to calm down and you’ll be back in 20 minutes to try to resume the conversation. (Oh, and you actually have to go back to talk in 20 minutes!)

5. Fake: Hold to your high standards no matter what. Truth: Be reasonable.

Partners who feel they can never get it right or the goal post keeps moving will at some point give up.  Small attempts at closeness and connection can be easily missed if you always expect grand gestures. Notice your partner’s efforts to please you or get it right and show appreciation for it. This will create a much more positive interaction that also nurtures your relationship.

Most of us are doing the best we can in relationships. We may have learned from our families growing up how things should be. As long as your open to learning new ways of handling communication and conflict in your relationship, you’ll likely be successful. It’s time to say goodbye to fake news and fake relationship rules.

I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman, a licensed marriage counselor practicing in Boca Raton, Florida. Please reach out to me to if your relationship is struggling. Be sure to grab your free resource to kick-start your journey. 

Are YOU The Problem in Your Relationship?

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relationship problem

By Dr. Marni Feuerman

In my therapy practice, it is common for people to come in and complain about their spouse or significant other.  It is definitely more of a challenge to take a true inventory of your own behavior and have insight about how you might be contributing to the state of your relationship.  There is always room to improve over the course of a long-term relationship.

Here are some important questions to ask yourself to find out if you have areas that need improvement:

Are you emotionally responsive and engaged with your partner?  This means you can you empathize, listen and respond emotionally  You do not label your partner “needy” or some other negative term because he or she is reaching for you in this way. You value your partner and give the special attention this person deserves.  Good partners turn toward each other (not away) when there is a “bid” for emotional connection.

Are you open to dialogue and negotiations?  You do your best to avoid “gridlock” on issues and use problem-solving skills with your partner.  Good partners realize that some issues in a relationship are not solvable. For example, personality characteristics that you find irritating in your partner are not going to simply go away.  But, a good partner practices things like tolerance and negotiation when the problem arises.

Do you “soften your start-up,” as opposed to being harsh when raising an issue?  This is particularly noteworthy for women as they bring up such issues around 80% of the time in the relationship.

Are you willing to “accept influence” rather than “batting it back” or escalating arguments?  The man’s role is crucial here because they are less likely to accept influence from their female partners. The happiest marriages are those in which the husband accepts influence from his wife.

Do you know how to de-escalate negativity in an argument and make efforts to do just that?  This is usually accomplished by using “repair attempts” or language that brings down tension.  Examples are saying “sorry,” or “I misunderstood,” using humor, etc.

Do you avoid the “Four Horsemen” at all costs? These are the key predictors of divorce: criticism, contempt (or belligerence), defensiveness, stonewalling (refusal to talk).  Anger is generally ok, as long as contempt/belligerence is absent. Women are more critical; men are more stonewalling. Stonewalling is often an unsuccessful attempt to calm things down. Criticism during conflict made by women is frequently a reaction to unresponsive or irritable male partners.

Are you trustworthy?  You have each other’s backs and do not keep secrets.  You also behave in ways that better your partner and the relationship (not just yourself) Good partners are also accessible and can be reached when needed and counted on.

Do you focus on the positives and not just the flaws of your partner? Many things you found endearing when you first met your partner can later become sources of frustration.

Do you respect your partner’s autonomy and individuality?  There is no need to be merged into one when you are in love.  It is nice to miss your partner sometimes!  Don’t let your own insecurities sabotage this.

Do you strive to meet each others’ needs?  And furthermore, you do so because you like to see your partner happy? Are you concerned when your partner seems unhappy with you or just blow it off and think that “it’s his/her problem?”  This is a poor attitude to take and will certainly doom your relationship.

Do you make efforts to avoid falling into a rut?  Successful couples make plans to try new things together, go out, have fun, laugh, and play.  Remember that novelty breaths positive energy into the relationship.

Are you physically affectionate and sexually responsive? A good partner is able to be demonstrative of their love by giving and receiving physical affection.  There is a realization that a romantic relationship is a sexual relationship and not just a platonic friendship.

Do you show gratitude and appreciation for your partner?  You may even think and feel you are grateful for your partner, but he/she is not a mind-reader!  Be sure to express it in both actions and words too.

Finally, are you committed to the relationship and view it in terms of a “life-long journey” and not something to quickly bail on when things get rough?  We live in a time that makes it so easy to divorce (can you say “no-fault!”) and find someone else that relationships seem quite disposable.  I assure you that there is nothing like having a long-term bonding love with a partner you can always count on. Be a good partner yourself and chances are you will attract someone into your life with the same values.

This article was also syndicated to YourTango.com. If you think you need some relationship counseling to be a better spouse or partner, reach out to me for help. As a  couple therapist, I have helped hundreds of couples get their relationship back on track. 

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