marriage problems

How to Let Go When Your Partner Refuses to Change

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trying-to-change

When you have been doing everything possible to get your partner to change a behavior that bothers or concerns you, and it still doesn’t change, you will eventually reach a crossroads in your relationship. If leaving the relationship isn’t an option, you must find a way to let go of your attempts to change or control your partner. If you continue to focus on your mate, you will continue to suffer.  Letting go and accepting that your partner won’t change is a tremendous gift you can and should give yourself.

Letting Go of Control

It is possible that you may not be tuned in to a big part of the dynamic between you and others that involves your need to control them. It is essential to recognize and let go of any need, motivation, or desire to control or manage others, including your partner. It’s time to admit that you can only control yourself.

In an unfulfilling relationship you might tend to want to help, fix, protect, or rescue. As natural as it is to want to do this with someone we care about, who we perceive as stuck or struggling, it only works in Hollywood movies. In real life, it makes things worse because it doesn’t work—period. Furthermore, one truth you should embrace is that not everyone will want to change, and that’s okay. Just as it is okay for you to make the decision about what you want to change about yourself; everyone else has the same prerogative.

When you stop trying to control someone else, you empower yourself in ways you may not have realized. You can shift that energy into something that is changeable. In some situations, you may begin to recognize aspects of yourself that you wish to change instead. You will no longer be deflecting outward but inward. When you stop controlling others, it’s probable that you will now be focusing on what the actual problem is (and it won’t be what you had thought it was) and find that you can effectively solve it.

Leveraging Your Strengths

Most people have to make an effort to think positively instead of negatively (called a negativity bias). The constant focus on dysfunction, disease and what’s wrong is frequently viewed as both undesirable and possibly even harmful. Maintaining a pessimistic view takes away our perception that we have choices in how we want to think and behave. You can adjust your thinking and focus on strengths that help establish a more optimistic outlook. Doing so will affirm your mental toughness and make you a happier person.

The first step to leveraging your strengths is to take inventory of them. Do not downplay or minimize any possible strength! It’s time to boast a bit and bask in the glory of your positive attributes. Think about what comes to mind on your own, comments and compliments you have been given by others, or direct feedback from school or work by way of grades or raises.

Falling in Love with Yourself

Loving yourself is an excellent idea! I’m not talking about the narcissistic version of self-love but the version where you have positive regard for your own well-being and happiness. People who pour themselves into a troubled relationship find that they have neglected their individual needs and contentment. They have not been, loving or kind toward themselves, even if it is unintentional.

Self-love is about putting yourself first, forgiving your mistakes, and accepting yourself regardless of perceived imperfections. It is also about embracing joy, realizing your ability to grow and taking care of and protecting yourself.  It can influence your choices in love, work, and friendships. It can impact your ability to cope with distress. Engaging in loving and kind self-care behaviors is an ongoing practice, and it will help you live with integrity and intention.

Finding a Sense of Purpose

Without a sense of purpose, you will continue to mentally suffer. Without purpose, you will meander pointlessly through life without intention. For example, your tendency to continuously try to fix your relationship can be an attempt to alleviate your pain around it. But, it may have unintentionally become your purpose, and it is an unhealthy one that will never leave you in peace. Alternatively, having a healthy and an invigorating sense of purpose, engaging in work and activities that bring joy and satisfaction, will help you thrive in life and your relationships.

By focusing attention outward, your mental energy is channeled into something useful and purposeful. It is not concentrated inward on yourself, your negative mood, obsessive thoughts, and so on. It is valuable to think about being part of something bigger than yourself, especially when it involves helping mankind. Doing so will improve your sense of achievement, self-worth, self-esteem, confidence, and well-being.

Finding Meaning in Your Struggles

If your search for a meaningful romantic connection has been rife with struggle, you can benefit from finding the meaning and lessons that lie within those struggles. View pain as a hidden invitation to growth. You are stronger than you think you are to have come this far already. Now start exploring the significance of the hurt and pain and perhaps even the positives have come out of your experiences. You do not have to be thankful for the experience itself, but maybe you might be grateful for the meaning found and lessons learned from it.

You may not have realized that there is a lot you can do when you give up trying to change your partner. Gaining self-awareness about your own behavior, learning to love yourself, focusing on your strengths and developing a sense of purpose are all worthwhile strategies in these circumstances. Shifting your focus may open up a world of possibility and growth you didn’t realize was possible.

Dr. Marni Feuerman originally wrote this article for Sharon Martin’s “Happily Imperfect” blog on PsychCentral.com. Dr. Marni is a psychotherapist and author in Boca Raton, Florida. Reach out to her at 561-544-8011 for help.

Four Major Reasons for Divorce

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marital problems

Reasons for DivorceThe most challenging of marital problems often involves what is called the “4 A’s.” These are adultery, addiction, abuse, and agendas.  It is worthwhile to distinguish between what is considered “hard” reasons (such as the 4 A’s) vs. “soft” reasons people often cite when giving up on their marriages.  “Soft” reasons are not synonymous with “trivial” reasons. Soft reasons consist of everything other than the 4 A’s.  Examples are growing apart, boredom, poor communication or feeling you have little in common with your partner. When compared with soft reasons, the 4 A’s pose bigger challenges to the viability of your marriage and are more likely to lead to divorce.

Here are the four hard reasons for divorce: 

ADULTERY

Adultery (also called infidelity) is extramarital sexual relations that are thought to be objectionable on several grounds including social, religious, moral and possibly legal. In some cultures, it is considered criminal as well, but this is not the case in the U.S. and in most Western countries. Adultery is a serious problem within a supposedly monogamous marriage. There is debate as to what sexual activities besides intercourse actually constitute adultery. What may be more reverent to focus on is the fact that one partner is keeping secrets and having an inappropriate relationship that may span the continuum from emotional to physical, and that when this comes to light it most often causes a significant crisis in the marriage. Infidelity is often a consequence of other underlying, unresolved problems in the marriage.  On the other hand, people who cheat may have a sex addiction or sexually compulsive behavior. Some people believe that cheaters have “bad character.”

ADDICTION

Addiction is a disorder that results when a person uses a substance such as alcohol, cocaine or heroin or engages in an activity such as sex, gambling or shopping, which continued behavior becomes compulsive and interferes with usual life responsibilities. Life responsibilities impacted include interpersonal relationships, work, and/or health. There may be a physiological dependence when addicted to a substance. This means the body has adapted to the substance so that more and more is needed to achieve the same effect. This is also known as “tolerance.”  Denial is often present as addicts are usually not aware that their behavior is destructive, out of control and causing enormous problems for both themselves and those around them.  Among those most negatively impacted are the addict’s spouse and children.  The spouse of a partner with addiction can fall, albeit unintentionally, into the role of enabler by over-helping and preventing their partner from suffering the consequences of the addiction. This unhealthy, codependent behavior also becomes utterly draining for the enabling spouse.

ABUSE

Abuse in a relationship may be physical, emotional, verbal, and/or economic.  Physical abuse, also known as “domestic violence,” is clearer as it involves the infliction of physical pain (e.g. hitting, pushing, grabbing, etc.). On the contrary, emotional abuse is often quite subtle. This abuse occurs when a partner has you constantly “walking on eggshells” or feeling manipulated.  Examples may be a partner who is excessively jealous or controlling, who often makes fun of you, guilt trips, withdraws affection or gives the silent treatment, among other actions. Economic abuse involves a spouse who excessively controls the finances.  The controlled spouse’s self- esteem is chipped away by the abusive partner leaving them feeling powerless, shut down, fearful and ultimately very unhappy in the marriage.

AGENDAS

People change continuously. Whether it be personal growth or new situations that you need to adapt to, you and your partner are likely not exactly the same as the day you married. The success of your marriage will depend, in part, on how you adapt to each other through these personal changes. Supporting each other’s goals is critical, but what happens when they are very opposite?  For example, a spouse wants to start a new career from scratch, you decide city living is no longer for you and you wish to move to the country, or one of you wants to change your religion? When your agendas are on different pages, you will most likely have a severe or even unresolvable relationship crisis on your hands.

The 4A’s are difficult challenges to the sustainability of your marriage. They will frequently and inevitably lead to divorce. If not divorce, then an unhappy and disconnected marriage. Especially if you both do not get professional help to work through these issues. The person who is committing the acts of cheating, addiction, or abuse should also undergo their own personal therapy to specifically work on self-change in these problematic areas. Help is available with qualified and experienced therapists and this will give you a fighting chance to identify and work through these roadblocks.

 I am here to offer you private and confidential help if the the 4A’s are wrecking your relationship. Reach out to discuss your options. Also, check out my FREE GUIDE just for couples looking for help.  

Infidelity: Surprising Reasons We Cheat

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infidelity

So much occurs during our development from infancy through adolescence, and it all contributes to how we eventually act in adult romantic relationships. In particular, early “implicit” and “explicit” memories impact future behavior. Implicit memory guides or behavior outside of our awareness. These are the memories we cannot consciously remember. Alternatively, explicit memory is that which we can recall and use to make insightful connections about how they impact our behavior. When something we do is not within our awareness, we may have trouble figuring out why we behaved the way we did. This includes infidelity and cheating behavior.

Here are five reasons for infidelity and the implicit, unconscious processes that drive us to cheat:

1. “I got bored.”

Boredom is an often cited as a reason for infidelity. Extensive evidence indicates that novelty erodes after a period of cohabitation or marriage. Relationship length is a reliable predictor of infidelity: the longer the relationship, the more likely one partner will cheat. Furthermore, married couples consistently reported a decline in marital satisfaction over time. This phenomenon leads us to the concept of “habituation.” The habituation process is the way in which we pay attention to a stimulus. In general, after a certain period, you get used to the stimulus, as well as similar stimuli, and no longer pay attention. For example, a loud beeping sound might at first startle you, but after hearing it over and over, you start to tune it out. Over the course of habituation, there is a shift from preferring the familiar to preferring the novel. In a sense, we habituate to our partners and novelty is found in another person.

2. “It just happened.”

When we have conflicting desires (for example, your partner vs. the attractive person flirting with you), we tend to choose alternatives that seem most relevant in that particular context at that precise moment in time. Both human (and nonhuman) animals temporarily prefer options that pay off immediately, rather than the better (but slower) option. Infidelity studies show that being apart from a partner facilitates opportunities for extra-marital involvement, especially in the workplace. Couple this with someone who has impulsive personality traits, and you have a recipe for disaster.

3. “It was only for physical gratification.”

Having “perceptive competence,” or the ability to “read” other people and situations, is strongest in adulthood. This ability is learned in infancy and is a necessary survival tactic to help us become efficient at gauging our environment and the opportunities for action that are available. It allows for a quick assessment of situations that offer a reward or ability to meet a goal. Opportunities that help us meet our needs (including sexual satisfaction) are called “affordances.” However, the consequences are severe when the “affordance” you pounce on is someone other than your spouse!

4. “My spouse wasn’t meeting my emotional needs.”

Affairs are often pursued to help alleviate, albeit unsuccessfully, unmet intimacy needs or a sense of growing apart. These adults are seemingly in a constant state of disequilibrium, feeling intense anxiety over abandonment and other times an avoidance of closeness. These “insecurely attached” individuals tend to engage in short-term strategies to self-soothe. Cheating is one such unhealthy self-soothing strategy. Conversely, couples who achieve security through their relationship, improve interpersonally on many levels resulting in decreased susceptibility to infidelity.

5. “I had a dysfunctional childhood.”

Everyone is susceptible to bringing their family dysfunction into their marriage. Dysfunction is primarily about how securely attached we were to a primary caretaker in childhood. Historically, attachment maximized the survival of the child in terms of access to food, learning opportunities, socialization, and protection from predators. The child also had a means to explore his/her environment knowing that a secure base (their caretaker) was always there when needed. The attachment-exploration system imprints in childhood and continues into adulthood, transferring to our romantic partners. Equilibrium of the two systems defines a “secure attachment style.” We are continually trying to reach our attachment goals by balancing our need for closeness or distance with our partner. If you were raised with an unavailable or abusive caretaker, it might leave you with no template for security or dependency with another person. Furthermore, it may have lessened the ability to respond to a partner empathically. These factors leave a person more susceptible to affairs.

Cheating on your spouse is ultimately a volitional act and an intentional choice. Perpetrators add insult to injury when they are unable to articulate the reasons why they decided to cheat, as opposed to other means of solving marital issues. We must not discount unconscious processes that may underlie such choices or put someone at risk for such behavior in the first place. Infidelity is one of the most challenging issues couples present with in therapy. Being armed with any knowledge of what caused the affair, along with ways to heal, are necessary components of treatment.

Source:
Bravo, I., & Lumpkin, P. (2010). The complex case of marital infidelity: An explanatory model of contributory processes to facilitate psychotherapy. The American Journal of Family Therapy,38:421–432.

Dr. Marni Feuerman, LCSW, LMFT is a marriage therapist in Boca Raton, Florida with extensive experience treating couples after infidelity, affairs, cheating, and betrayal. Reach out to her for help at 561-544-8011. 

 

Conscious Uncoupling: The Reality No One Tells You

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conscious uncoupling

According to MacMillonDictionary.com, “conscious uncoupling” refers to “the act of ending a marriage or relationship, but in a way that is viewed as a very positive step by both parties, who mutually believe their lives will be better for doing so.”  The partners make a serious attempt to remain friends and co-parent if they have children. It’s a very respectful way of terminating a long-term relationship.

The expression was thrust into the media in 2014 after being used by actress Gwyneth Paltrow and her spouse, rocker Chris Martin, who announced the breakup of their marriage online while writing that they intended to “consciously uncouple.” The use of such embellished terminology is just a euphemism for an amicable separation or amicable divorce.  The term has been viewed critically in the media as typical celebrity-invented nonsense. However, its mockery by journalists has brought further attention to it, only popularizing the phrase.

Therapist Katherine Woodward Thomas is the one to credit with the term after she penned a self-help book with the same title, Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After (2015). Her intentions are, of course, to help couples split up peacefully. Regardless of what people might think of the term, the concept is an ideal one that all couples should aim for if they are at such a point in their lives. However, science tells us that this ideal rarely happens.

The Science of  the Uncoupling Process

Researcher Diane Vaughan discusses in her book, Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships (1990), how couples really split up. Several conclusions can be drawn from her extensive work with couples ending their relationship. First and foremost, all uncoupling begins with a secret. One partner (the “initiator”) usually feels unsatisfied with the relationship or believes that the relationship was a mistake. But, what the initiator does is stay quiet, not bring the dissatisfaction up to the spouse but instead processes their feelings on their own (or with their own private therapist).

Instead of directly communicating with their spouse or partner, initiators engage in these types of behaviors:

  • The initiator makes direct and indirect attempts to fix their partner who is clueless about the thoughts the other one is having.
  • The initiator begins to find satisfaction outside the relationship. Energy gets channeled into hobbies, friendships, the kids, or an affair.
  • The initiator makes essential changes unilaterally. There is no more discussion and negotiation. There is a shift from “we-ness” to “me-ness.”
  • The initiator starts to re-define their partner and the relationship in negative terms. History gets re-written…good times are forgotten.  Attempts are made to justify the thoughts and feelings around wishing to end the relationship.
  • The initiator finds ways to create distance from the partner. This may be in their body language, mood, spending time away, becoming overly critical, complaining or acting passive-aggressive.
  • The initiator operates out of fear and is plagued with uncertainty. He or she confuses known problems vs. unknown problems. It is very difficult to face the truth when making a drastic life decision.
  • The initiator finds a “transitional person.” The initiator begins to confide in someone who will be instrumental in bridging the gap between the old life and new life. This may be a lover, friend, divorce lawyer or a therapist.  It may be someone who has gone through the divorce process who can serve as a role-model of sorts.

The daily routine of life makes it easier for the unhappy partner to slowly and gradually slip away, at first only psychologically, and eventually physically. Initiators have the benefit of time to gather the resources necessary to uncouple when they are good and ready. Lack of such resources may create significant barriers to separation.

Is it really Conscious or Unconscious Uncoupling?

The uncoupling process usually starts in this covert and somewhat “unconscious” way.  Or, at least only consciously to the unhappy partner. The initiator fails to (or refuses to) communicate their intense dissatisfaction about the relationship. As a result, when the initiator makes a bold move to end things, it’s frequently too little and too late for the other partner to do anything to change the decision.

What’s written here is not a condemnation of the initiator or a judgment of the reasons why people choose to leave their marriage or long-term relationship. It’s strictly reporting upon the collection of data on how people go about it. Understanding this may help couples take a braver and more open approach and take corrective action sooner, rather than later if one or both are unhappy in the relationship. A result of early action and discussion may be that couples actually end up staying together for the long-haul or choosing to do course of marriage therapy to see if they can restore the relationship to health.

If you need help with marriage therapy, conscious uncoupling, or other divorce-related problems, reach out to me . 

Are YOU The Problem in Your Relationship?

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relationship problem

By Dr. Marni Feuerman

In my therapy practice, it is common for people to come in and complain about their spouse or significant other.  It is definitely more of a challenge to take a true inventory of your own behavior and have insight about how you might be contributing to the state of your relationship.  There is always room to improve over the course of a long-term relationship.

Here are some important questions to ask yourself to find out if you have areas that need improvement:

Are you emotionally responsive and engaged with your partner?  This means you can you empathize, listen and respond emotionally  You do not label your partner “needy” or some other negative term because he or she is reaching for you in this way. You value your partner and give the special attention this person deserves.  Good partners turn toward each other (not away) when there is a “bid” for emotional connection.

Are you open to dialogue and negotiations?  You do your best to avoid “gridlock” on issues and use problem-solving skills with your partner.  Good partners realize that some issues in a relationship are not solvable. For example, personality characteristics that you find irritating in your partner are not going to simply go away.  But, a good partner practices things like tolerance and negotiation when the problem arises.

Do you “soften your start-up,” as opposed to being harsh when raising an issue?  This is particularly noteworthy for women as they bring up such issues around 80% of the time in the relationship.

Are you willing to “accept influence” rather than “batting it back” or escalating arguments?  The man’s role is crucial here because they are less likely to accept influence from their female partners. The happiest marriages are those in which the husband accepts influence from his wife.

Do you know how to de-escalate negativity in an argument and make efforts to do just that?  This is usually accomplished by using “repair attempts” or language that brings down tension.  Examples are saying “sorry,” or “I misunderstood,” using humor, etc.

Do you avoid the “Four Horsemen” at all costs? These are the key predictors of divorce: criticism, contempt (or belligerence), defensiveness, stonewalling (refusal to talk).  Anger is generally ok, as long as contempt/belligerence is absent. Women are more critical; men are more stonewalling. Stonewalling is often an unsuccessful attempt to calm things down. Criticism during conflict made by women is frequently a reaction to unresponsive or irritable male partners.

Are you trustworthy?  You have each other’s backs and do not keep secrets.  You also behave in ways that better your partner and the relationship (not just yourself) Good partners are also accessible and can be reached when needed and counted on.

Do you focus on the positives and not just the flaws of your partner? Many things you found endearing when you first met your partner can later become sources of frustration.

Do you respect your partner’s autonomy and individuality?  There is no need to be merged into one when you are in love.  It is nice to miss your partner sometimes!  Don’t let your own insecurities sabotage this.

Do you strive to meet each others’ needs?  And furthermore, you do so because you like to see your partner happy? Are you concerned when your partner seems unhappy with you or just blow it off and think that “it’s his/her problem?”  This is a poor attitude to take and will certainly doom your relationship.

Do you make efforts to avoid falling into a rut?  Successful couples make plans to try new things together, go out, have fun, laugh, and play.  Remember that novelty breaths positive energy into the relationship.

Are you physically affectionate and sexually responsive? A good partner is able to be demonstrative of their love by giving and receiving physical affection.  There is a realization that a romantic relationship is a sexual relationship and not just a platonic friendship.

Do you show gratitude and appreciation for your partner?  You may even think and feel you are grateful for your partner, but he/she is not a mind-reader!  Be sure to express it in both actions and words too.

Finally, are you committed to the relationship and view it in terms of a “life-long journey” and not something to quickly bail on when things get rough?  We live in a time that makes it so easy to divorce (can you say “no-fault!”) and find someone else that relationships seem quite disposable.  I assure you that there is nothing like having a long-term bonding love with a partner you can always count on. Be a good partner yourself and chances are you will attract someone into your life with the same values.

This article was also syndicated to YourTango.com. If you think you need some relationship counseling to be a better spouse or partner, reach out to me for help. As a  couple therapist, I have helped hundreds of couples get their relationship back on track. 

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