boca raton florida

How To Find a Marriage Therapist

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marriage therapist

Having to search for a really good, highly qualified marriage therapist can seem like a daunting task. It’s always ideal to ask for a referral from a friend who has gone to one with their spouse, or your physician or clergy. It is understandable that some of you may be uncomfortable asking anyone as you’ll obviously be disclosing that you and your spouse are having problems. That’s often why going online is often where people turn. However, this doesn’t always a guarantee a successful outcome as the internet is still the “wild west” and you are taking your chances.

Here are five tips to help you find the right professional to help you with your marriage:

  • Search reputable directories

There are some reputable websites with a therapist search feature. These are more popular among professionals that are trained to work with couples and can help you the most when searching for a marriage therapist.

Modern Commitment

The International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally-Focused Therapy (click on the “find a therapist” tab)

National Registry of Marriage-Friendly Therapists

AAMFT (use the “therapist locator” search feature)

The Gottman Institute (use the “find a therapist” feature)

  • Look for the right credentials

All therapists are required to be licensed (or licensed eligible) to practice therapy. A practitioner who does marriage therapy can be a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT), licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), licensed mental health counselor (LMHC) or psychologist (Ph.D. or PsyD).

To specialize in a particular disorder or population, such as marriage or couples treatment, often requires advanced training. Think of this in terms of having a problem with your heart. You would want to see a cardiologist, not a general practitioner. It is the same for couples (and family) work. A couples therapist trained (or certified) in emotionally-focused couple’s therapy (EFT) in particular will have experience with the most proven method to help couples available.

  • Ask the marriage therapist the right questions

It is perfectly acceptable to ask the therapist some direct questions to find out if he or she is competent to practice and would be a good fit. This is especially important if the therapist was not directly referred to you by a someone who knows them well or that has been under their care. You may wish to know how long you will need marriage therapy, but understand that no therapist can easily predict this until a thorough assessment is completed (and even then it can be difficult). Expect to be in therapy a minimum of four to six months and possibly up to a year depending on the degree of problems and how long you have had them. After getting information on fees and scheduling options (make sure you can both make the appointments consistently), the therapist should be willing to spend several minutes on the phone to answer any questions.

  • Appropriate questions to ask before hiring a marriage therapist:

How long have you been practicing couples therapy?

Do you have advanced training?  Can you elaborate on that?

How long are sessions?

What should we expect?

It’s also okay to ask the marital status of the counselor if this is important to you. You may feel more comfortable with a counselor married with kids than one never married or divorced. It isn’t right to ask a bunch of personal questions of the counselor but marital status should be acceptable. You will also want to know there is anything that would rule you out as good candidates for marriage therapy. Examples might be a history of domestic violence, heavy substance abuse, and so on. You can always attend the initial session and go from there. The therapist should tell you if some other treatment or service is more appropriate instead.

  • Trust your “gut” about the marriage therapist when you first meet

Is what the counselor telling you making sense?  Does it sound like he or she has a good understanding of your problems and what can be done to improve things? Do you both like the counselor and feel comfortable?  If you both do not feel this way within the first few sessions, this particular marriage therapist may not be a good match and it is okay to find another one. Understand that the therapist will assist and guide you to find ways for you both to solve your problems but is not there to solve them for you. A lot of work will be required of you.

Keep in mind that finding help for your marriage is a brave undertaking.  It is also one that can help you significantly with whatever problems you are struggling with. Knowing how and where to start is the first step.

Dr. Marni Feuerman is a licensed marriage therapist in Boca Raton, Florida with extensive training in working with couples. Reach out to her for more information about services.

Why I Practice Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

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EFT couples therapy

Throughout the course of my career as a couples therapist, I’ve tried various approaches in my quest to help couples in distress. They’ve all had some value and still do. However, it wasn’t until I began to learn and practice emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT) that I honestly felt there was a superior approach that far surpassed anything else I was trained in.

Here are some of the reasons why I believe Emotionally Focused Therapy is superior to any other method to help couples.

  • EFT is based on one of the most accepted theories in psychology

Attachment theory is one of the most (if not “thee” most) prolific and accepted theories within the entire field of psychology. It is one that has been studied and proven extensively. Imagine having numerous scholars in a room all in agreement over anything! This is one thing they would all agree on. Our attachment history begins at birth and impacts us the rest of our lives. The availability and consistency of our caregivers (often our parents) creates a lasting imprint for how we view the world and others in it. Furthermore, it significantly impacts our romantic relationships. EFT is grounded in attachment theory making it a solid approach.

  • EFT helps the therapist stay neutral with a couple

Having trust and an alliance with both partners is crucial to making any progress. It is also imperative that no one feels like the “bad guy” or on the hot seat. If one partner gets turned off to couples’ therapy, he or she will not return. EFT provides a way to help both partners feel safe to open up and talk about some difficult topics.

  • EFT integrates brain science

Hearing the word “brain science” may sound intimidating. But, really the central piece to understand is that EFT fits well with what we know about how our brain works. For example, how we respond on the inside to threat…what happens when we escalate into anger or shut down and can’t talk. Knowing some basic information about the brain helps us understand how and why we react certain ways during arguments and what we need to do to help a couple find their way out of these patterns.

  • There’s no homework

Technically, there is no real “homework” when you do EFT. In several other approaches, couples are given homework in between sessions. In my experience (and that of other colleagues), this usually goes poorly. Either it just doesn’t get done, or the couple comes to the following session arguing about whose fault it is that the homework didn’t get done. Part of the beauty of this form of couples therapy is that most of the work is done right in session. EFT is known as an “experiential” approach. This means that the process of EFT is experienced in real time right in session with your partner. The therapy actively engages you both to help change negative patterns within the relationship.

  • Extensive research backs EFT

Remember, anyone can say or do anything, give it a fancy name, and claim it works. However with EFT, “the proof is in the pudding” so to speak! There’s over 20 years’ worth of research studies that have demonstrated the effectiveness of the therapy. There is no other method of helping couples found to be superior to EFT. Another popular approach called Gottman Method is grounded in science as well but the drawback is that the research is based on relationships in general whereas EFT is based on the process and outcome of couples therapy. This difference is consequential. EFT research results also show that the progress couples make is also maintained over time.

  • EFT works well with all kinds of populations

EFT is practiced all over the world. Because of its scientific foundation (attachment theory, brain science), it has shown to be effective both cross-culturally and with other co-occurring problems such as trauma, depression or substance abuse. It is also an effective method for working with the LGBT community. It’s an approach to help relationships…any and all relationships. In fact, we also have a form of EFT for individuals and families as well.

  • EFT feels organic

This may not sound like the most legit reason, but here’s why I think it is important. Therapists use theory, approaches and various skills to help their clients. But they also use intuition. EFT makes intuitive sense. It does so because of some of the other reasons already listed: it is a theory about how people relate to others and romantic relationships. It simply makes sense and feels organic.

I would encourage those seeking couples therapy to find a therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy. You will learn about your partner, yourself, and the intricacies of your interactions. You will learn how to get out of your distressing moments and escalating arguments. But most importantly, you will learn how to become close, connected and bonded for life.

Learn more about EFT in this article I wrote for VeryWell.com and listen to this podcast where I talk about it!

I am a certified emotionally focused couples therapist and supervisor practicing online and in my Boca Raton, Florida office. I also supervise licensed professionals seeking EFT certification and/or licensure in marriage and family therapy.

Considering Marriage Counseling? 6 Facts You Need To Know

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marriage counseling

Many people consider going to couples or marriage counseling at some point during their relationship.  Sadly, marriage counseling has a questionable success rate.  This is for a variety of reasons that can be mitigated when you understand the following facts about this type of therapy.

1. Marriage counseling is quite different than individual counseling.  This is because marriage counseling deals with problems within the “system” and dynamic of the couple.  The focus is more on the interaction or “process” between the two people, not just the problem or issue (known at “content”).

Some therapists are highly trained in marriage and family systems, particularly Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists (LMFT). These therapists, in essence, are “process consultants” helping couples restructure their relationship.  It is critical to choose a therapist well trained in this specialty as opposed to a “generalist.”  Most therapists will take a neutral and unbiased stance toward each of you, and will view the relationship itself as the “client.”

2. Couples do not always realize that they really need professional intervention to help them.  

So many of us try the same solution over and over to try to solve a problem or simply go on ignoring it.  However, in relationships, people should seek guidance if they find that there is a high degree of distress, difficulty communicating, general dissatisfaction or a lack of connection. Some issues creating problems are often around mistrust, betrayal, infidelity, sexual dissatisfaction, parenting disagreements, finances, difficulties with in-laws or other extended family members.

Counseling may be needed for any number of reasons!  If most often boils down to a long-standing negative pattern of interaction or a particular recurring issue that becomes too hard to tackle between the two of you.

3. Most couples are reluctant to try marriage counseling.

This may be for a range of reasons, including stigma, shame, embarrassment or difficulty taking responsibility for the problems in the relationship.  Many people blame their partner for the problems they are experiencing together entirely. However, with rare exceptions  (i.e. abuse),  most therapists completely stay out of the “blame game” or “who started it” and look at the interface between the two people.

Some people may also have misconceptions about what is involved in couple’s or marriage therapy and anticipate a negative experience when often times it is just the opposite.  Frequently one person in the relationship who is unwilling to come in for marriage counseling which regrettably puts the kibosh on pursuing this opportunity for growth.

4. Marriage counseling can help couples grow, thrive and communicate better.

Therapy can help the couple view their relationship from a different perspective, change dysfunctional behavior, develop a more secure connection and romantic bond, acknowledge their strengths (not just their problems) and improve communication.  When couples learn how to de-escalate conflict and find their way out of a toxic pattern of interaction, they can heal, grow and communicate with each other regardless of the subject matter.

5. Certain factors help marriage counseling have a better outcome.

Marriage counseling works best when the couple comes in early when problems are beginning to arise and not waiting too long.  It is also most successful when there is still a lot of love, hope for the relationship and motivation for treatment despite the distress they may be experiencing.  Likewise, it’s beneficial when each partner refrains from getting defensive and remains open to their partner’s point of view in session.  The couple should also be willing to follow the guidance the therapist is providing.  Finally, you both should be in agreement on the choice of marriage therapist that you feel comfortable with.

6. Some couples are not appropriate for marriage counseling.

Marriage counseling is not advised when there is violence or abuse in the relationship.  A history of abuse is counterproductive to the process of building trust during sessions.  It is also not advised when one partner is coerced or threatened in some way to attend treatment. You will end up just spinning your wheels if both people aren’t motivated to work on the marriage.  There are other therapeutic options for these circumstances that frequently do not involve working with the couple together.

I would encourage any couple in distress to give marriage counseling an honest and wholehearted try.  It may not work for everyone, and sometimes the best solution is for the couple to part ways.  Regardless, you will be better off knowing that you truly did everything possible to save your marriage.

I am an experienced and highly trained marriage and couple counselor in Boca Raton, Florida. Online therapy sessions are also available. Reach out to find out how I can help you get your marriage back on track! 

5 Fake Relationship Rules and What You Should Believe Instead

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fake relationship rules

There are many relationship rules. The things you “should” and “shouldn’t” do in your relationship. When there’s new information, it’s best to revise what you learned if it’s no longer relevant. Some rules, however, seem to want to stick around. Let’s look at the ones you should no longer believe, along with what’s really true.

The rules come from a combination of sources, including my professional work with couples as a marriage counselor, scientific research, and personal experience. Following the new relationship rules will help your bond stand the test of time!

  1. Fake: Try to fight fair. Truth: Try to fight well.

Fighting fair is next to impossible. To try to will only be frustrating and likely to make the fight worse. We all fight to win. You may as well admit it. But, in a romantic relationship, you should do everything possible to fight well instead. There is a big difference.

When you fight, you can try to listen, understand, empathize, and sincerely apologize if you did something wrong. This is how you fight well. The goal is to not to win the argument. In doing so, you will quickly become the enemy or the argument will escalate out of control. On the flip-side, you should not avoid a discussion that may need to take place.

Relationships have a lot of “rupture and repair” as they go on. When you both run into a rough spot, talk it out and try to end on a positive note. You both need to feel valued and heard regardless of the outcome. Realize that there is not always a perfect answer or solution.

2. Fake: Try to change your partner’s perspective. Truth: Try to understand your partner’s perspective.

This also applies if your partner’s view is utterly irrational. Yes, really! Our opinions don’t come out of nowhere. They are influenced by our past and our experiences. Our perspectives originate from the meaning we assign to them. They belong to us, and we are entitled to them. Therefore, trying to change their point of view, even if it doesn’t make much sense to us, will not work. It will also make the matter worse.

We all want to be understood. Trying to empathize and put yourself in your significant other’s shoes is the best way to handle this. You are not necessarily saying they are right. You are merely trying to get how and why they think and feel as they do.

3. Fake: If it’s really important to you, start the conversation (and with lot’s of ammo). Truth: Try a softer conversation start-up.

Your partner can set you off big time. When you are triggered, be careful how be begin the conversation. If you are over the top angry and attacking, I can tell you right now it is not going to go well. You may very well have the right to be upset but if you actually want a resolution to your complaint, get yourself in a calmer state of mind before approaching the issue with your partner. This works even if the topic is uber-important to you. In fact, softer vulnerable feelings draw people close to us, elicits empathy and makes what you’re trying to communicate more likely to be responded to by your partner.

4. Fake: If things are getting heated or not going your way, refuse to talk to calm it down. Truth: Try to talk even if you struggle or it’s getting heated.

Refusing to discuss a problem in your relationship is toxic. It may be really hard to talk. You might have trouble expressing yourself. You may feel too overwhelmed to speak. This is all understandable. However, you owe it to your relationship to find a way to discuss your thoughts and feelings.

I promise, you do not have to be Shakespeare, you just have to make a good faith attempt to talk. If it’s getting heated, tell your partner that you are taking a break to calm down and you’ll be back in 20 minutes to try to resume the conversation. (Oh, and you actually have to go back to talk in 20 minutes!)

5. Fake: Hold to your high standards no matter what. Truth: Be reasonable.

Partners who feel they can never get it right or the goal post keeps moving will at some point give up.  Small attempts at closeness and connection can be easily missed if you always expect grand gestures. Notice your partner’s efforts to please you or get it right and show appreciation for it. This will create a much more positive interaction that also nurtures your relationship.

Most of us are doing the best we can in relationships. We may have learned from our families growing up how things should be. As long as your open to learning new ways of handling communication and conflict in your relationship, you’ll likely be successful. It’s time to say goodbye to fake news and fake relationship rules.

I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman, a licensed marriage counselor practicing in Boca Raton, Florida. Please reach out to me to if your relationship is struggling. Be sure to grab your free resource to kick-start your journey. 

The Boca Raton Observer Magazine Expert Media Contributions

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Boca Raton Observer Magazine

As a go-to source for journalists with my local Boca Raton Observer Magazine, you’ll find some of my relationship expert media contributions in their print magazines.

Check them out here:  

Special Delivery

Article: Special Delivery: Should New Mon’s Receive “Push Presents” After Giving Birth? ~ March 2016

 

 

 Blended Families

 

Article: Your’s Mine and Ours: Blending Families Takes Time and Compassion ~ August 2016

 

BOSept2015

 

Article: Married to The Money: Should Women Be Financially Rewarded With “Wife Bonuses”? ~ September 2015

 

BOCover Dec 2016

Article: Happy Holidays? Dealing With Seasonal Family Drama As A Couple~ December 2016

 

 

MEDIA CONSULTING

I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman, a licensed clinical social worker and a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in South Florida. I offer individual counseling for adults on a wide range of relationship problems, and I specialize in couples and marriage counseling.

In addition to my psychotherapy practice, I am also an author , freelance writer, speaker, and frequently quoted expert in the media on topics about relationships, love, dating, and divorce. I have been invited to do video projects (both as a contributor and scriptwriter), radio interviews, and podcasts. View more of my media contributions and my articles on my blog.

Feel free to contact me for interviews, writing and speaking opportunities!

Why You Shouldn’t Freak Out If You’re Turning 30 And Still Not Married

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counseling boca ratonI contributed to the following article on EliteDaily.com.

Well, I still have to find the right person.

But until then, here’s the reasoning behind why the ages between 28 and 32 is the best time in your life to say “I do:”

 

1. You’ve already had your growing pains.

The best age to wed is late 20s to early 30s. Getting married too young is a little too risky. Someone may still have a lot of growing and maturing to do. There is a good chance a person will make better choices in many areas of their life when they are older and wiser. – Marni Feuerman, a licensed couples therapist in Boca Raton, Florida

Read the entire article here…

MEDIA CONSULTING

I’m Marni Feuerman, a licensed clinical social worker and a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Boca Raton. I offer individual counseling for adults on a wide range of relationship issues and struggles, and I offer couples and marriage counseling. In addition to my psychotherapy practice, i am also a freelance writer and I am a frequently quoted expert in the media on topics about relationships. I have been invited to do video projects (both as a contributor and script writer), radio interviews and podcasts as well. Click to view more of my media sampling, and my articles on my personal,  “The Talking Solution Blog.” You may contact me for any writing or speaking engagements.

Danger Signs Your Marriage Therapist is Looking For

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marriage danger

Well trained marriage therapists have most likely studied the work of Drs. John and Julie Gottman. The Gottmans have done the most extensive research on marriage and what predicts divorce.  They discovered four main predictors, which he terms the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” and they are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

All relationships have some of these communication patterns. But, if there are more than one present or any particular one is very strong, a marriage therapist may have doubts about the longevity of your relationship. Learning about and understanding the Four Horsemen will help set your marriage therapy (and relationship) up for success.

HERE ARE THE DETAILS ON THE FOUR HORSEMEN

1.Criticism:

When criticizing, it is done in a way that implies something is wrong with you.  It may include attacking your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong. An example might be using generalizations.  Saying,  “you always…” “you never…” or “you’re the type of person who …” and “why are you so …” This often makes the person feel under attack and in return, it provokes defensive reactions.

Criticism is a bad pattern as neither feels heard and both may start to feel bad about themselves in the presence of the other.  It is important to make a specific complain about behavior, not attack your partner’s personality. For example, when X happened, I felt Y, I need Z.

2. Contempt:

Contempt is any statement or behavior, verbal or nonverbal, that puts you on a higher ground than your partner.  This could be mocking your partner, calling him/her names, eye rolling, hostile humor, hurtful sarcasm, sneering in disgust, etc. It involves attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse the person.

Contempt is the most serious of the four. Couples must work to eliminate such behaviors and build a culture of respect, appreciation, tolerance and kindness in the relationship.

3. Defensiveness:

This is an attempt to defend yourself from a perceived attack with a counter complaint.  Another way is to act like a victim or whine.  This can look like making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in a certain way). Saying things like  “It’s not my fault…”, “I didn’t…” It can also be cross-complaining, such as meeting your partner’s complaint, or criticism with a complaint of your own or ignoring what your partner said. Other  no-nos are yes-butting (start off agreeing but end up disagreeing) or simply repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying.

The best thing to do would be to try to listen from your partner’s perspective.  Slow down and realize that you do not have to be perfect.  Try your best to have conscious communication: speaking the unarguable truth and listening generously. Also, validate your partner (let your partner know what makes sense to you about what they are saying; let them know you understand what they are feeling, see through their eyes.

4. Stonewalling:

This is withdrawing from the conversation and essentially the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. The stonewaller might actually physically leave or just completely shut down. Sometimes this is an attempt to calm oneself when overwhelmed but it is most often unsuccessful. People who do this may think they are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness.

Stonewalling can look like: stony silence, monosyllabic mutterings, changing the subject, removing yourself physically or the “silent treatment.” The antidote is to learn to identify the signs that you or your partner is starting to feel emotionally overwhelmed and to agree together to take a break and that the conversation will resume when you are both calmer.

Now that you know about the Four Horsemen you can definitely do more to mitigate these factors in your relationship.

Do you know that you need five times as much positive feeling and interaction as negative? This is the ratio, at a minimum! After an argument, claim responsibility for your part. Ask yourself,  “what can I learn from this?” and “what can I do about it?”

Use what Gottman terms “repair attempts” during arguments that help to offset the tension.  This may look like humor (used appropriately) or saying something like, “I’m sorry” or “I hear you saying…” or “I understand.” Don’t push buttons and don’t escalate the argument.

Start to recognize that all interactions are really a self-perpetuating cycle that you can exit from. Someone gets triggered, someone reacts, the partner reacts to this, and so on. Slow things down and ask what you are feeling under the surface (e.g., really hurt when you yelled in anger instead) and express that part of yourself.

We can all learn and benefit from the Gottmans’ research and if you still find the Four Horsemen are ruining your relationship, it’s time to seek out a skilled marriage therapist.

You may also like to read this blog, You Might Be The Problem in Your Relationship.

This original blogpost was also syndicated to TheGoodMenProject.com and Psychcentral.com! As a licensed marriage therapist online and in a Boca Raton, Florida office, I am here to offer you private and confidential help if the four horsemen are wrecking your relationship. Reach out to discuss your options. Check out my FREE GUIDE just for couples looking for help.  

Are YOU The Problem in Your Relationship?

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relationship problem

By Dr. Marni Feuerman

In my therapy practice, it is common for people to come in and complain about their spouse or significant other.  It is definitely more of a challenge to take a true inventory of your own behavior and have insight about how you might be contributing to the state of your relationship.  There is always room to improve over the course of a long-term relationship.

Here are some important questions to ask yourself to find out if you have areas that need improvement:

Are you emotionally responsive and engaged with your partner?  This means you can you empathize, listen and respond emotionally  You do not label your partner “needy” or some other negative term because he or she is reaching for you in this way. You value your partner and give the special attention this person deserves.  Good partners turn toward each other (not away) when there is a “bid” for emotional connection.

Are you open to dialogue and negotiations?  You do your best to avoid “gridlock” on issues and use problem-solving skills with your partner.  Good partners realize that some issues in a relationship are not solvable. For example, personality characteristics that you find irritating in your partner are not going to simply go away.  But, a good partner practices things like tolerance and negotiation when the problem arises.

Do you “soften your start-up,” as opposed to being harsh when raising an issue?  This is particularly noteworthy for women as they bring up such issues around 80% of the time in the relationship.

Are you willing to “accept influence” rather than “batting it back” or escalating arguments?  The man’s role is crucial here because they are less likely to accept influence from their female partners. The happiest marriages are those in which the husband accepts influence from his wife.

Do you know how to de-escalate negativity in an argument and make efforts to do just that?  This is usually accomplished by using “repair attempts” or language that brings down tension.  Examples are saying “sorry,” or “I misunderstood,” using humor, etc.

Do you avoid the “Four Horsemen” at all costs? These are the key predictors of divorce: criticism, contempt (or belligerence), defensiveness, stonewalling (refusal to talk).  Anger is generally ok, as long as contempt/belligerence is absent. Women are more critical; men are more stonewalling. Stonewalling is often an unsuccessful attempt to calm things down. Criticism during conflict made by women is frequently a reaction to unresponsive or irritable male partners.

Are you trustworthy?  You have each other’s backs and do not keep secrets.  You also behave in ways that better your partner and the relationship (not just yourself) Good partners are also accessible and can be reached when needed and counted on.

Do you focus on the positives and not just the flaws of your partner? Many things you found endearing when you first met your partner can later become sources of frustration.

Do you respect your partner’s autonomy and individuality?  There is no need to be merged into one when you are in love.  It is nice to miss your partner sometimes!  Don’t let your own insecurities sabotage this.

Do you strive to meet each others’ needs?  And furthermore, you do so because you like to see your partner happy? Are you concerned when your partner seems unhappy with you or just blow it off and think that “it’s his/her problem?”  This is a poor attitude to take and will certainly doom your relationship.

Do you make efforts to avoid falling into a rut?  Successful couples make plans to try new things together, go out, have fun, laugh, and play.  Remember that novelty breaths positive energy into the relationship.

Are you physically affectionate and sexually responsive? A good partner is able to be demonstrative of their love by giving and receiving physical affection.  There is a realization that a romantic relationship is a sexual relationship and not just a platonic friendship.

Do you show gratitude and appreciation for your partner?  You may even think and feel you are grateful for your partner, but he/she is not a mind-reader!  Be sure to express it in both actions and words too.

Finally, are you committed to the relationship and view it in terms of a “life-long journey” and not something to quickly bail on when things get rough?  We live in a time that makes it so easy to divorce (can you say “no-fault!”) and find someone else that relationships seem quite disposable.  I assure you that there is nothing like having a long-term bonding love with a partner you can always count on. Be a good partner yourself and chances are you will attract someone into your life with the same values.

This article was also syndicated to YourTango.com. If you think you need some relationship counseling to be a better spouse or partner, reach out to me for help. As a  couple therapist, I have helped hundreds of couples get their relationship back on track. 

Conversations Every Couple Needs To Have

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hold me tight

If you were to hear that a therapist’s method of helping distressed couples bond again had a seventy-five percent success rate (as opposed to the rather dismal thirty-five percent success rate of most of the other forms of couples therapy), wouldn’t you want to learn more about the methodology?

Psychologist and researcher Dr. Sue Johnson has done exactly that.  She created a whole new way of helping couples cope with serious relationship issues that has proven time and time again to be highly successful.

Based on a validated science-based method of couples therapy called Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT), Dr. Johnson wrote a book called Hold Me Tight, Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love for the general public with all the information to move from conflict to calmness in your relationship. Hold Me Tight explains her process, clearly and in detail, for all to benefit from.

The Hold Me Tight relationship enhancement workshops, also created by Dr. Johnson, are formatted from the book and are held all over the country by local professionals.  These workshops teach seven different conversations designed to help couples learn how to move away from negative patterns of conflict, increase their emotional responsiveness to one another, forgive old wounds, and rekindle their desire and affection. This program educates couples through presentations, viewing videos of Dr. Johnson working with couples, and interactive experiences that couples do together.  The couples soon begin to recognize the defining moments of their relationship and build new connections. All experiential, interactive work is done privately between the partners followed by group discussion. No one is required to “air their dirty laundry” so to speak with the group.

The seven conversations through which participants are guided are designed to increase the experience of emotional responsiveness, that sense of safety and closeness that addresses three primary needs:

Accessibility – Can I reach you?  Do you hear what I need?

Responsiveness – Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?

Engagement – Do I know that you will value me and stay close?

The theory is that these “A.R.E” questions are often buried, hidden just under the surface in most of our recurring arguments about issues such as sex, kids, personality differences, and money. If partners feel safe and loved, they can deal with differences and problems together.  If not, relationship issues and fears get channeled into endless disagreements around practical issues of everyday life. By guiding you through seven transforming conversations, the program will show you how to create a safe, loving bond with your partner.

The first four conversations teach the participants to limit negative spirals that leave them both disconnected.  It also outlines how to tune into each other in a way that builds lasting emotional responsiveness. The next two conversations demonstrate how couples can promote emotional bonding through forgiving injuries and sexual intimacy. The final conversation shows you how to care for your relationship on a daily basis.

Here are the seven key conversations that all couples need to have:

Recognizing Demon Dialogues – In this initial conversation, couples identify common emotional reactions that lead to negative cycles.  Being able to identify the negative patterns is the first step to being able to step out of those patterns.

Finding the Raw Spots – Next, each partner learns to look beyond their immediate, impulsive reactions to discover the vulnerable feelings under the negative cycles.

Revisiting a Rocky Moment – This conversation develops a safe platform for de-escalating conflict, repairing disconnections, and building emotional security.

Hold Me Tight – Now the partners can move into being more accessible, emotionally responsive, and deeply engaged, known as “A.R.E.,” to strengthen and protect their emotional connection.

Forgiving Injuries – Old emotional hurts can block intimacy and a secure connection. Knowing how to identify these injuries and offer and accept forgiveness empowers couples to strengthen their bonds.

Bonding Through Sex and Touch – Here, couples learn more about how emotional connection enhances physical connection, which in turn creates deeper emotional connection – the best kind of cycle.

Keeping Your Love Alive – The last conversation in the program builds on the understanding that a love relationship is a continual process of losing and finding an emotional connection; it helps couples to be deliberate and mindful about maintaining that connection.

This workshop gives couples real tools to create a lifetime of love!

To experience a Relationship Enhancement Workshop based on Hold Me Tight in Boca Raton, Florida, go to www.HMTFlorida.com.  Take a listen to this podcast where I discuss these conversations. Feel free to reach out to me with any questions! 

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