marriage therapist

Four Major Reasons for Divorce

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marital problems

Reasons for DivorceThe most challenging of marital problems often involves what is called the “4 A’s.” These are adultery, addiction, abuse, and agendas.  It is worthwhile to distinguish between what is considered “hard” reasons (such as the 4 A’s) vs. “soft” reasons people often cite when giving up on their marriages.  “Soft” reasons are not synonymous with “trivial” reasons. Soft reasons consist of everything other than the 4 A’s.  Examples are growing apart, boredom, poor communication or feeling you have little in common with your partner. When compared with soft reasons, the 4 A’s pose bigger challenges to the viability of your marriage and are more likely to lead to divorce.

Here are the four hard reasons for divorce: 

ADULTERY

Adultery (also called infidelity) is extramarital sexual relations that are thought to be objectionable on several grounds including social, religious, moral and possibly legal. In some cultures, it is considered criminal as well, but this is not the case in the U.S. and in most Western countries. Adultery is a serious problem within a supposedly monogamous marriage. There is debate as to what sexual activities besides intercourse actually constitute adultery. What may be more reverent to focus on is the fact that one partner is keeping secrets and having an inappropriate relationship that may span the continuum from emotional to physical, and that when this comes to light it most often causes a significant crisis in the marriage. Infidelity is often a consequence of other underlying, unresolved problems in the marriage.  On the other hand, people who cheat may have a sex addiction or sexually compulsive behavior. Some people believe that cheaters have “bad character.”

ADDICTION

Addiction is a disorder that results when a person uses a substance such as alcohol, cocaine or heroin or engages in an activity such as sex, gambling or shopping, which continued behavior becomes compulsive and interferes with usual life responsibilities. Life responsibilities impacted include interpersonal relationships, work, and/or health. There may be a physiological dependence when addicted to a substance. This means the body has adapted to the substance so that more and more is needed to achieve the same effect. This is also known as “tolerance.”  Denial is often present as addicts are usually not aware that their behavior is destructive, out of control and causing enormous problems for both themselves and those around them.  Among those most negatively impacted are the addict’s spouse and children.  The spouse of a partner with addiction can fall, albeit unintentionally, into the role of enabler by over-helping and preventing their partner from suffering the consequences of the addiction. This unhealthy, codependent behavior also becomes utterly draining for the enabling spouse.

ABUSE

Abuse in a relationship may be physical, emotional, verbal, and/or economic.  Physical abuse, also known as “domestic violence,” is clearer as it involves the infliction of physical pain (e.g. hitting, pushing, grabbing, etc.). On the contrary, emotional abuse is often quite subtle. This abuse occurs when a partner has you constantly “walking on eggshells” or feeling manipulated.  Examples may be a partner who is excessively jealous or controlling, who often makes fun of you, guilt trips, withdraws affection or gives the silent treatment, among other actions. Economic abuse involves a spouse who excessively controls the finances.  The controlled spouse’s self- esteem is chipped away by the abusive partner leaving them feeling powerless, shut down, fearful and ultimately very unhappy in the marriage.

AGENDAS

People change continuously. Whether it be personal growth or new situations that you need to adapt to, you and your partner are likely not exactly the same as the day you married. The success of your marriage will depend, in part, on how you adapt to each other through these personal changes. Supporting each other’s goals is critical, but what happens when they are very opposite?  For example, a spouse wants to start a new career from scratch, you decide city living is no longer for you and you wish to move to the country, or one of you wants to change your religion? When your agendas are on different pages, you will most likely have a severe or even unresolvable relationship crisis on your hands.

The 4A’s are difficult challenges to the sustainability of your marriage. They will frequently and inevitably lead to divorce. If not divorce, then an unhappy and disconnected marriage. Especially if you both do not get professional help to work through these issues. The person who is committing the acts of cheating, addiction, or abuse should also undergo their own personal therapy to specifically work on self-change in these problematic areas. Help is available with qualified and experienced therapists and this will give you a fighting chance to identify and work through these roadblocks.

 I am here to offer you private and confidential help if the the 4A’s are wrecking your relationship. Reach out to discuss your options. Also, check out my FREE GUIDE just for couples looking for help.  

Can This Marriage Be Saved? A Discernment Counseling Assessment May Be Right for You Both

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Discernment Counseling Boca raton

Is there anything a marriage therapist can really do when one of the partners is one foot out the door?  Maybe both people are not sure staying married is the best idea.  Or, what if one spouse simply refuses to attend counseling?

An estimated 30% of couples presenting for marriage therapy actually have a “mixed-agenda.”  This means they both have differing desires as whether to save the marriage or not.  One (or both) may be seriously considering divorce or, in other words, “ambivalent” about saving the marriage.

Traditional marriage therapy only works when BOTH partners desire the same outcome to save the marriage. So, when one partner is ambivalent, it can seem like a pretty hopeless situation for both couple and therapist. That is, until fairly recently…

Now there is an approach for working with such couples called discernment counseling.  Prior to this method, traditional marriage therapy would often fizzle out or end in frustration for both the couple and the therapist. Yet, couples still desperately need meaningful help when they are in this space.

Thanks to Dr. Bill Doherty, Ph.D. and his relationship research institute, there is a way for working with the couples who are starting off in different places. He has been training therapists all over the country about how to do this counseling.  Dr. Doherty also has a program for family lawyers, mediators, and clergy who are frequently finding these couples in their midst as well.

Goals of Discernment Counseling

The goal of discernment counseling is for the couple to gain greater clarity and confidence in their decision making about whether to divorce or reconcile. The sessions are to explore specific topics relevant to three paths under consideration: (1) stay married as it has been, (2) move towards separation and divorce or (3) agree on a reconciliation period with an all-out effort in therapy.

Couples meet in the counseling sessions for a portion together and also one on one with the therapist. This is done so that each individual has time to work on their own goals. The crux of this will be about each partner’s personal agenda for change. It is deeply important that each person begins to see his/her own contributions to the relationship problems as well as the possible solutions.

All communications in these individual sessions are kept confidential. This is an important factor that allows the client to provide all necessary details (even in regard to an affair if there is one) to the therapist in order to help him or her sort through the decision making process. Each partner is treated in a respectful and compassionate way regardless of how they are feeling their marriage at the moment.

If reconciliation (path 3) is agreed upon, couples are educated about what marriage therapy looks like and what will be expected of them. Each partner is explained the expectations.  At this point, traditional marriage therapy can begin with the same counselor or they may return to their referring counselor.  If separation/divorce (path 2) is chosen, the couple is given education and resources to help them collaboratively work through the dissolution of the marriage.

If the partner considering divorce refuses to attend discernment counseling at all, individual “hopeful spouse counseling” is offered as an alternative.  Therapists often get desperate calls from this person when a partner threatens to leave the marriage.

The goal of hopeful spouse counseling is to help support the client in their desire to save the marriage. Strategies are designed to help the client manage the crisis and learn constructive and healthy ways to prevent the marriage from going the divorce direction if at all possible. If at any point the partner wishes to join in the process, this is of course welcomed.

The discernment counseling assessment process is a 4 session series consisting of joint time together and 1:1 separately, and then a final feedback session.

Please note that this is NOT  closure therapy as it is not intended to help one of the partners accept their partner’s final decision to divorce. If you need closure therapy, be certain to specify this to the therapist prior to any meetings. Discernment counseling is also not recommended for anyone coerced to come in or if there is a history of violence in the relationship.

Additional Benefits of a Discernment Counseling Assessment

This counseling has been found to be immensely useful in future relationships even if the marriage ends. It is also proven to help couples truly be more cooperative with each other in the divorce process if that is the chosen path.  We must consider that divorce is a decision with far-reaching impacts, even into future generations.  Discernment counseling can help a couple carefully and consciously decide their next step in regards to their marriage.

 

You might want to check out a podcast interview where I discuss the topic of Discernment Counseling. 

Discernment/divorce counseling assessment process is available for couples in a private and confidential setting in Boca Raton, Florida or online for any residents of FL, AL, MD, VT, SC.  Contact me for more information. To search the entire U.S., go to www.DiscernmentCounselors.com. 

5 Reasons You Might Be Setting Your Marriage Therapy Up For Failure

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marriage therapist

Congratulations if you have decided to seek help to fix your marriage. If you are, it is likely that your problems have been going on for a while, maybe even years. Whatever it is that has you saying “it’s time to try marriage therapy,” you’ve made a wise decision. Step one, you must find the right person to help you and your spouse.

Finding a marriage therapist, especially a competent one that you both agree on, can seem like a daunting task. It is likely you are going to turn to your health insurance plan or Google. Here’s where things can get tricky, and I will tell you why.

Reasons you may set your marriage therapy up for failure

1. You take a shot in the dark with Google.

I have seen some of the most beautiful websites with all the bells and whistles of therapists who have no clue what they are doing. Anyone can create a website and put nearly whatever they want on there. Please don’t be fooled by a beautiful website.

Secondly, you will see lots of buzzwords you may have heard on Oprah or somewhere else. The bottom line is that at this point in time, the most thoroughly researched method of helping couples is called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. All of the studies over the past twenty years has shown the most positive results of any form of treatment. If another approach surpasses these results, I will update this article to reflect this new information.

2. You go to your insurance plan directory.

The providers on your plan do have to go through a bit more of a screening. But a clear majority of the providers are general therapists, not specialists. Therapists who specialize are most often out of network or self-pay only. This is most often because the insurance reimbursement rate does not commensurate with experience and costly training a marriage therapist has completed.

3. You stick with the first marriage therapist you see even when you gut tells you not to.

You will know quite quickly, usually between one to three sessions, if this therapist is a fit and seems to get your situation and knows what they’re doing. Trust your gut. It is crucial for you both to like the therapist and agree that this person is a fit for you. Even if just one of you isn’t comfortable, it can sabotage the process.

4. You’re trying to find treatment at a bargain.

A highly qualified licensed marriage therapist is expensive. Most therapists will slide somewhat. But even so, expect to pay on average, depending upon your area, approximately $150 – $250 per session. Paying for therapy should help you feel more invested in its success. Keep in mind that marital distress is a critical matter.

Something else to think about…after polling a few attorneys about the average divorce costs their clients, I’m told between $10,000 – $100,000. The average cost of a course of couple therapy does not come close to the lower end of that range. Not to mention the emotional toll on you, your children, and your circle of friends, and relatives.

5. You have a negative attitude.

If you approach the process of therapy negatively or you want to blame your spouse for everything, it is likely to fail. Relationship problems can cast a dark cloud over everything in your life. I realize that it’s a lot to ask to be hopeful, but it is very important. It’s also unrealistic to think your spouse is completely responsible for all the problems. Be open to your own change and growth.

Starting off right and with the right marriage therapist

You may get lucky. You just might find a great therapist at a reasonable cost or one that is covered by your insurance. But, do you really want to roll the dice with one of the most important decisions of your life? One that could seal the fate of your marriage? I bet this sounds ludicrous, right? Here’s what to do instead:

  • If you have any friend who tells you they had a great experience with a couples’ therapist, ask who they saw. You may be reluctant to do this as you don’t wish to air your dirty laundry. You don’t have to say it’s for you. You can make that part up. It may seem a little old-fashioned, but it is still the best way to find a referral.
  • Ask a therapist you may know as an acquaintance or one you may see individually. It is likely they know a skilled couples therapist who has established an excellent reputation.
  • Search the directory of emotionally focused couple therapists (www.iceeft) to see if there is someone trained in this approach in your area.

When searching for a potential marriage therapist, choose carefully and wisely. It’s not the time to shop around for the least expensive rate. It’s definitely not the time to see someone without extensive training in marriage therapy.

Once you find a marriage therapist you wish to try, spend several minutes interviewing them on the phone asking about their training, the percentage of their practice that is couples (it should be 50% or more) and how they work. After the first few visits if you and your partner aren’t feeling it’s the right choice, move on!

I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman, a nationally recognized marriage expert and marriage therapist in private practice online and in South Florida. Please reach out to me to talk more about how I can help you! Check out my FREE GUIDE  just for couples seeking help. 

Best Marriage Advice for a Rock Solid Relationship

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Marriage Advice

I contributed to the following article found on Marriage.com:

Marriage AdviceDate Your Spouse Like You Are Not Married to Them

“The best advice I would give is to continue to treat each other the way you did when you were dating. By that I mean, act very happy when you first see or talk to each other, and be kind. Some of these things can fall by the wayside when you have been with someone for a while. Sometimes the way spouses treat each other would not have gotten a second date, let alone to the altar! Think about how you may be taking each other for granted or if you have been remiss in treating your spouse well in other ways.”

Read the full article here.

 MEDIA CONSULTING

I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman, a licensed clinical social worker and a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Boca Raton, Florida. I offer individual counseling for adults on a wide range of relationship issues and struggles, and I offer couples and marriage counseling. In addition to my psychotherapy practice, I am also a freelance writer and a frequently quoted expert in the media on topics about relationships. I have been invited to do video projects (both as a contributor and scriptwriter), radio interviews and podcasts as well. View more of my media sampling and my articles on my personal “The Talking Solution Blog.” You may contact me for interviews, writing and speaking engagements.

How To Find a Marriage Therapist

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marriage therapist

Having to search for a really good, highly qualified marriage therapist can seem like a daunting task. It’s always ideal to ask for a referral from a friend who has gone to one with their spouse, or your physician or clergy. It is understandable that some of you may be uncomfortable asking anyone as you’ll obviously be disclosing that you and your spouse are having problems. That’s often why going online is often where people turn. However, this doesn’t always a guarantee a successful outcome as the internet is still the “wild west” and you are taking your chances.

Here are five tips to help you find the right professional to help you with your marriage:

  • Search reputable directories

There are some reputable websites with a therapist search feature. These are more popular among professionals that are trained to work with couples and can help you the most when searching for a marriage therapist.

Modern Commitment

The International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally-Focused Therapy (click on the “find a therapist” tab)

National Registry of Marriage-Friendly Therapists

AAMFT (use the “therapist locator” search feature)

The Gottman Institute (use the “find a therapist” feature)

  • Look for the right credentials

All therapists are required to be licensed (or licensed eligible) to practice therapy. A practitioner who does marriage therapy can be a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT), licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), licensed mental health counselor (LMHC) or psychologist (Ph.D. or PsyD).

To specialize in a particular disorder or population, such as marriage or couples treatment, often requires advanced training. Think of this in terms of having a problem with your heart. You would want to see a cardiologist, not a general practitioner. It is the same for couples (and family) work. A couples therapist trained (or certified) in emotionally-focused couple’s therapy (EFT) in particular will have experience with the most proven method to help couples available.

  • Ask the marriage therapist the right questions

It is perfectly acceptable to ask the therapist some direct questions to find out if he or she is competent to practice and would be a good fit. This is especially important if the therapist was not directly referred to you by a someone who knows them well or that has been under their care. You may wish to know how long you will need marriage therapy, but understand that no therapist can easily predict this until a thorough assessment is completed (and even then it can be difficult). Expect to be in therapy a minimum of four to six months and possibly up to a year depending on the degree of problems and how long you have had them. After getting information on fees and scheduling options (make sure you can both make the appointments consistently), the therapist should be willing to spend several minutes on the phone to answer any questions.

  • Appropriate questions to ask before hiring a marriage therapist:

How long have you been practicing couples therapy?

Do you have advanced training?  Can you elaborate on that?

How long are sessions?

What should we expect?

It’s also okay to ask the marital status of the counselor if this is important to you. You may feel more comfortable with a counselor married with kids than one never married or divorced. It isn’t right to ask a bunch of personal questions of the counselor but marital status should be acceptable. You will also want to know there is anything that would rule you out as good candidates for marriage therapy. Examples might be a history of domestic violence, heavy substance abuse, and so on. You can always attend the initial session and go from there. The therapist should tell you if some other treatment or service is more appropriate instead.

  • Trust your “gut” about the marriage therapist when you first meet

Is what the counselor telling you making sense?  Does it sound like he or she has a good understanding of your problems and what can be done to improve things? Do you both like the counselor and feel comfortable?  If you both do not feel this way within the first few sessions, this particular marriage therapist may not be a good match and it is okay to find another one. Understand that the therapist will assist and guide you to find ways for you both to solve your problems but is not there to solve them for you. A lot of work will be required of you.

Keep in mind that finding help for your marriage is a brave undertaking.  It is also one that can help you significantly with whatever problems you are struggling with. Knowing how and where to start is the first step.

Dr. Marni Feuerman is a licensed marriage therapist in Boca Raton, Florida with extensive training in working with couples. Reach out to her for more information about services.

Considering Marriage Counseling? 6 Facts You Need To Know

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marriage counseling

Many people consider going to couples or marriage counseling at some point during their relationship.  Sadly, marriage counseling has a questionable success rate.  This is for a variety of reasons that can be mitigated when you understand the following facts about this type of therapy.

1. Marriage counseling is quite different than individual counseling.  This is because marriage counseling deals with problems within the “system” and dynamic of the couple.  The focus is more on the interaction or “process” between the two people, not just the problem or issue (known at “content”).

Some therapists are highly trained in marriage and family systems, particularly Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists (LMFT). These therapists, in essence, are “process consultants” helping couples restructure their relationship.  It is critical to choose a therapist well trained in this specialty as opposed to a “generalist.”  Most therapists will take a neutral and unbiased stance toward each of you, and will view the relationship itself as the “client.”

2. Couples do not always realize that they really need professional intervention to help them.  

So many of us try the same solution over and over to try to solve a problem or simply go on ignoring it.  However, in relationships, people should seek guidance if they find that there is a high degree of distress, difficulty communicating, general dissatisfaction or a lack of connection. Some issues creating problems are often around mistrust, betrayal, infidelity, sexual dissatisfaction, parenting disagreements, finances, difficulties with in-laws or other extended family members.

Counseling may be needed for any number of reasons!  If most often boils down to a long-standing negative pattern of interaction or a particular recurring issue that becomes too hard to tackle between the two of you.

3. Most couples are reluctant to try marriage counseling.

This may be for a range of reasons, including stigma, shame, embarrassment or difficulty taking responsibility for the problems in the relationship.  Many people blame their partner for the problems they are experiencing together entirely. However, with rare exceptions  (i.e. abuse),  most therapists completely stay out of the “blame game” or “who started it” and look at the interface between the two people.

Some people may also have misconceptions about what is involved in couple’s or marriage therapy and anticipate a negative experience when often times it is just the opposite.  Frequently one person in the relationship who is unwilling to come in for marriage counseling which regrettably puts the kibosh on pursuing this opportunity for growth.

4. Marriage counseling can help couples grow, thrive and communicate better.

Therapy can help the couple view their relationship from a different perspective, change dysfunctional behavior, develop a more secure connection and romantic bond, acknowledge their strengths (not just their problems) and improve communication.  When couples learn how to de-escalate conflict and find their way out of a toxic pattern of interaction, they can heal, grow and communicate with each other regardless of the subject matter.

5. Certain factors help marriage counseling have a better outcome.

Marriage counseling works best when the couple comes in early when problems are beginning to arise and not waiting too long.  It is also most successful when there is still a lot of love, hope for the relationship and motivation for treatment despite the distress they may be experiencing.  Likewise, it’s beneficial when each partner refrains from getting defensive and remains open to their partner’s point of view in session.  The couple should also be willing to follow the guidance the therapist is providing.  Finally, you both should be in agreement on the choice of marriage therapist that you feel comfortable with.

6. Some couples are not appropriate for marriage counseling.

Marriage counseling is not advised when there is violence or abuse in the relationship.  A history of abuse is counterproductive to the process of building trust during sessions.  It is also not advised when one partner is coerced or threatened in some way to attend treatment. You will end up just spinning your wheels if both people aren’t motivated to work on the marriage.  There are other therapeutic options for these circumstances that frequently do not involve working with the couple together.

I would encourage any couple in distress to give marriage counseling an honest and wholehearted try.  It may not work for everyone, and sometimes the best solution is for the couple to part ways.  Regardless, you will be better off knowing that you truly did everything possible to save your marriage.

I am an experienced and highly trained marriage and couple counselor in Boca Raton, Florida. Online therapy sessions are also available. Reach out to find out how I can help you get your marriage back on track! 

Danger Signs Your Marriage Therapist is Looking For

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marriage danger

Well trained marriage therapists have most likely studied the work of Drs. John and Julie Gottman. The Gottmans have done the most extensive research on marriage and what predicts divorce.  They discovered four main predictors, which he terms the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” and they are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

All relationships have some of these communication patterns. But, if there are more than one present or any particular one is very strong, a marriage therapist may have doubts about the longevity of your relationship. Learning about and understanding the Four Horsemen will help set your marriage therapy (and relationship) up for success.

HERE ARE THE DETAILS ON THE FOUR HORSEMEN

1.Criticism:

When criticizing, it is done in a way that implies something is wrong with you.  It may include attacking your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong. An example might be using generalizations.  Saying,  “you always…” “you never…” or “you’re the type of person who …” and “why are you so …” This often makes the person feel under attack and in return, it provokes defensive reactions.

Criticism is a bad pattern as neither feels heard and both may start to feel bad about themselves in the presence of the other.  It is important to make a specific complain about behavior, not attack your partner’s personality. For example, when X happened, I felt Y, I need Z.

2. Contempt:

Contempt is any statement or behavior, verbal or nonverbal, that puts you on a higher ground than your partner.  This could be mocking your partner, calling him/her names, eye rolling, hostile humor, hurtful sarcasm, sneering in disgust, etc. It involves attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse the person.

Contempt is the most serious of the four. Couples must work to eliminate such behaviors and build a culture of respect, appreciation, tolerance and kindness in the relationship.

3. Defensiveness:

This is an attempt to defend yourself from a perceived attack with a counter complaint.  Another way is to act like a victim or whine.  This can look like making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in a certain way). Saying things like  “It’s not my fault…”, “I didn’t…” It can also be cross-complaining, such as meeting your partner’s complaint, or criticism with a complaint of your own or ignoring what your partner said. Other  no-nos are yes-butting (start off agreeing but end up disagreeing) or simply repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying.

The best thing to do would be to try to listen from your partner’s perspective.  Slow down and realize that you do not have to be perfect.  Try your best to have conscious communication: speaking the unarguable truth and listening generously. Also, validate your partner (let your partner know what makes sense to you about what they are saying; let them know you understand what they are feeling, see through their eyes.

4. Stonewalling:

This is withdrawing from the conversation and essentially the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. The stonewaller might actually physically leave or just completely shut down. Sometimes this is an attempt to calm oneself when overwhelmed but it is most often unsuccessful. People who do this may think they are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness.

Stonewalling can look like: stony silence, monosyllabic mutterings, changing the subject, removing yourself physically or the “silent treatment.” The antidote is to learn to identify the signs that you or your partner is starting to feel emotionally overwhelmed and to agree together to take a break and that the conversation will resume when you are both calmer.

Now that you know about the Four Horsemen you can definitely do more to mitigate these factors in your relationship.

Do you know that you need five times as much positive feeling and interaction as negative? This is the ratio, at a minimum! After an argument, claim responsibility for your part. Ask yourself,  “what can I learn from this?” and “what can I do about it?”

Use what Gottman terms “repair attempts” during arguments that help to offset the tension.  This may look like humor (used appropriately) or saying something like, “I’m sorry” or “I hear you saying…” or “I understand.” Don’t push buttons and don’t escalate the argument.

Start to recognize that all interactions are really a self-perpetuating cycle that you can exit from. Someone gets triggered, someone reacts, the partner reacts to this, and so on. Slow things down and ask what you are feeling under the surface (e.g., really hurt when you yelled in anger instead) and express that part of yourself.

We can all learn and benefit from the Gottmans’ research and if you still find the Four Horsemen are ruining your relationship, it’s time to seek out a skilled marriage therapist.

You may also like to read this blog, You Might Be The Problem in Your Relationship.

This original blogpost was also syndicated to TheGoodMenProject.com and Psychcentral.com! As a licensed marriage therapist online and in a Boca Raton, Florida office, I am here to offer you private and confidential help if the four horsemen are wrecking your relationship. Reach out to discuss your options. Check out my FREE GUIDE just for couples looking for help.  

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