marriage counseling

Can This Marriage Be Saved? A Discernment Counseling Assessment May Be Right for You Both

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Discernment Counseling Boca raton

Is there anything a marriage therapist can really do when one of the partners is one foot out the door?  Maybe both people are not sure staying married is the best idea.  Or, what if one spouse simply refuses to attend counseling?

An estimated 30% of couples presenting for marriage therapy actually have a “mixed-agenda.”  This means they both have differing desires as whether to save the marriage or not.  One (or both) may be seriously considering divorce or, in other words, “ambivalent” about saving the marriage.

Traditional marriage therapy only works when BOTH partners desire the same outcome to save the marriage. So, when one partner is ambivalent, it can seem like a pretty hopeless situation for both couple and therapist. That is, until fairly recently…

Now there is an approach for working with such couples called discernment counseling.  Prior to this method, traditional marriage therapy would often fizzle out or end in frustration for both the couple and the therapist. Yet, couples still desperately need meaningful help when they are in this space.

Thanks to Dr. Bill Doherty, Ph.D. and his relationship research institute, there is a way for working with the couples who are starting off in different places. He has been training therapists all over the country about how to do this counseling.  Dr. Doherty also has a program for family lawyers, mediators, and clergy who are frequently finding these couples in their midst as well.

Goals of Discernment Counseling

The goal of discernment counseling is for the couple to gain greater clarity and confidence in their decision making about whether to divorce or reconcile. The sessions are to explore specific topics relevant to three paths under consideration: (1) stay married as it has been, (2) move towards separation and divorce or (3) agree on a reconciliation period with an all-out effort in therapy.

Couples meet in the counseling sessions for a portion together and also one on one with the therapist. This is done so that each individual has time to work on their own goals. The crux of this will be about each partner’s personal agenda for change. It is deeply important that each person begins to see his/her own contributions to the relationship problems as well as the possible solutions.

All communications in these individual sessions are kept confidential. This is an important factor that allows the client to provide all necessary details (even in regard to an affair if there is one) to the therapist in order to help him or her sort through the decision making process. Each partner is treated in a respectful and compassionate way regardless of how they are feeling their marriage at the moment.

If reconciliation (path 3) is agreed upon, couples are educated about what marriage therapy looks like and what will be expected of them. Each partner is explained the expectations.  At this point, traditional marriage therapy can begin with the same counselor or they may return to their referring counselor.  If separation/divorce (path 2) is chosen, the couple is given education and resources to help them collaboratively work through the dissolution of the marriage.

If the partner considering divorce refuses to attend discernment counseling at all, individual “hopeful spouse counseling” is offered as an alternative.  Therapists often get desperate calls from this person when a partner threatens to leave the marriage.

The goal of hopeful spouse counseling is to help support the client in their desire to save the marriage. Strategies are designed to help the client manage the crisis and learn constructive and healthy ways to prevent the marriage from going the divorce direction if at all possible. If at any point the partner wishes to join in the process, this is of course welcomed.

The discernment counseling assessment process is a 4 session series consisting of joint time together and 1:1 separately, and then a final feedback session.

Please note that this is NOT  closure therapy as it is not intended to help one of the partners accept their partner’s final decision to divorce. If you need closure therapy, be certain to specify this to the therapist prior to any meetings. Discernment counseling is also not recommended for anyone coerced to come in or if there is a history of violence in the relationship.

Additional Benefits of a Discernment Counseling Assessment

This counseling has been found to be immensely useful in future relationships even if the marriage ends. It is also proven to help couples truly be more cooperative with each other in the divorce process if that is the chosen path.  We must consider that divorce is a decision with far-reaching impacts, even into future generations.  Discernment counseling can help a couple carefully and consciously decide their next step in regards to their marriage.

 

You might want to check out a podcast interview where I discuss the topic of Discernment Counseling. 

Discernment/divorce counseling assessment process is available for couples in a private and confidential setting in Boca Raton, Florida or online for any residents of FL, AL, MD, VT, SC.  Contact me for more information. To search the entire U.S., go to www.DiscernmentCounselors.com. 

Why I Practice Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

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EFT couples therapy

Throughout the course of my career as a couples therapist, I’ve tried various approaches in my quest to help couples in distress. They’ve all had some value and still do. However, it wasn’t until I began to learn and practice emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT) that I honestly felt there was a superior approach that far surpassed anything else I was trained in.

Here are some of the reasons why I believe Emotionally Focused Therapy is superior to any other method to help couples.

  • EFT is based on one of the most accepted theories in psychology

Attachment theory is one of the most (if not “thee” most) prolific and accepted theories within the entire field of psychology. It is one that has been studied and proven extensively. Imagine having numerous scholars in a room all in agreement over anything! This is one thing they would all agree on. Our attachment history begins at birth and impacts us the rest of our lives. The availability and consistency of our caregivers (often our parents) creates a lasting imprint for how we view the world and others in it. Furthermore, it significantly impacts our romantic relationships. EFT is grounded in attachment theory making it a solid approach.

  • EFT helps the therapist stay neutral with a couple

Having trust and an alliance with both partners is crucial to making any progress. It is also imperative that no one feels like the “bad guy” or on the hot seat. If one partner gets turned off to couples’ therapy, he or she will not return. EFT provides a way to help both partners feel safe to open up and talk about some difficult topics.

  • EFT integrates brain science

Hearing the word “brain science” may sound intimidating. But, really the central piece to understand is that EFT fits well with what we know about how our brain works. For example, how we respond on the inside to threat…what happens when we escalate into anger or shut down and can’t talk. Knowing some basic information about the brain helps us understand how and why we react certain ways during arguments and what we need to do to help a couple find their way out of these patterns.

  • There’s no homework

Technically, there is no real “homework” when you do EFT. In several other approaches, couples are given homework in between sessions. In my experience (and that of other colleagues), this usually goes poorly. Either it just doesn’t get done, or the couple comes to the following session arguing about whose fault it is that the homework didn’t get done. Part of the beauty of this form of couples therapy is that most of the work is done right in session. EFT is known as an “experiential” approach. This means that the process of EFT is experienced in real time right in session with your partner. The therapy actively engages you both to help change negative patterns within the relationship.

  • Extensive research backs EFT

Remember, anyone can say or do anything, give it a fancy name, and claim it works. However with EFT, “the proof is in the pudding” so to speak! There’s over 20 years’ worth of research studies that have demonstrated the effectiveness of the therapy. There is no other method of helping couples found to be superior to EFT. Another popular approach called Gottman Method is grounded in science as well but the drawback is that the research is based on relationships in general whereas EFT is based on the process and outcome of couples therapy. This difference is consequential. EFT research results also show that the progress couples make is also maintained over time.

  • EFT works well with all kinds of populations

EFT is practiced all over the world. Because of its scientific foundation (attachment theory, brain science), it has shown to be effective both cross-culturally and with other co-occurring problems such as trauma, depression or substance abuse. It is also an effective method for working with the LGBT community. It’s an approach to help relationships…any and all relationships. In fact, we also have a form of EFT for individuals and families as well.

  • EFT feels organic

This may not sound like the most legit reason, but here’s why I think it is important. Therapists use theory, approaches and various skills to help their clients. But they also use intuition. EFT makes intuitive sense. It does so because of some of the other reasons already listed: it is a theory about how people relate to others and romantic relationships. It simply makes sense and feels organic.

I would encourage those seeking couples therapy to find a therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy. You will learn about your partner, yourself, and the intricacies of your interactions. You will learn how to get out of your distressing moments and escalating arguments. But most importantly, you will learn how to become close, connected and bonded for life.

Learn more about EFT in this article I wrote for VeryWell.com and listen to this podcast where I talk about it!

I am a certified emotionally focused couples therapist and supervisor practicing online and in my Boca Raton, Florida office. I also supervise licensed professionals seeking EFT certification and/or licensure in marriage and family therapy.

Considering Marriage Counseling? 6 Facts You Need To Know

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marriage counseling

Many people consider going to couples or marriage counseling at some point during their relationship.  Sadly, marriage counseling has a questionable success rate.  This is for a variety of reasons that can be mitigated when you understand the following facts about this type of therapy.

1. Marriage counseling is quite different than individual counseling.  This is because marriage counseling deals with problems within the “system” and dynamic of the couple.  The focus is more on the interaction or “process” between the two people, not just the problem or issue (known at “content”).

Some therapists are highly trained in marriage and family systems, particularly Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists (LMFT). These therapists, in essence, are “process consultants” helping couples restructure their relationship.  It is critical to choose a therapist well trained in this specialty as opposed to a “generalist.”  Most therapists will take a neutral and unbiased stance toward each of you, and will view the relationship itself as the “client.”

2. Couples do not always realize that they really need professional intervention to help them.  

So many of us try the same solution over and over to try to solve a problem or simply go on ignoring it.  However, in relationships, people should seek guidance if they find that there is a high degree of distress, difficulty communicating, general dissatisfaction or a lack of connection. Some issues creating problems are often around mistrust, betrayal, infidelity, sexual dissatisfaction, parenting disagreements, finances, difficulties with in-laws or other extended family members.

Counseling may be needed for any number of reasons!  If most often boils down to a long-standing negative pattern of interaction or a particular recurring issue that becomes too hard to tackle between the two of you.

3. Most couples are reluctant to try marriage counseling.

This may be for a range of reasons, including stigma, shame, embarrassment or difficulty taking responsibility for the problems in the relationship.  Many people blame their partner for the problems they are experiencing together entirely. However, with rare exceptions  (i.e. abuse),  most therapists completely stay out of the “blame game” or “who started it” and look at the interface between the two people.

Some people may also have misconceptions about what is involved in couple’s or marriage therapy and anticipate a negative experience when often times it is just the opposite.  Frequently one person in the relationship who is unwilling to come in for marriage counseling which regrettably puts the kibosh on pursuing this opportunity for growth.

4. Marriage counseling can help couples grow, thrive and communicate better.

Therapy can help the couple view their relationship from a different perspective, change dysfunctional behavior, develop a more secure connection and romantic bond, acknowledge their strengths (not just their problems) and improve communication.  When couples learn how to de-escalate conflict and find their way out of a toxic pattern of interaction, they can heal, grow and communicate with each other regardless of the subject matter.

5. Certain factors help marriage counseling have a better outcome.

Marriage counseling works best when the couple comes in early when problems are beginning to arise and not waiting too long.  It is also most successful when there is still a lot of love, hope for the relationship and motivation for treatment despite the distress they may be experiencing.  Likewise, it’s beneficial when each partner refrains from getting defensive and remains open to their partner’s point of view in session.  The couple should also be willing to follow the guidance the therapist is providing.  Finally, you both should be in agreement on the choice of marriage therapist that you feel comfortable with.

6. Some couples are not appropriate for marriage counseling.

Marriage counseling is not advised when there is violence or abuse in the relationship.  A history of abuse is counterproductive to the process of building trust during sessions.  It is also not advised when one partner is coerced or threatened in some way to attend treatment. You will end up just spinning your wheels if both people aren’t motivated to work on the marriage.  There are other therapeutic options for these circumstances that frequently do not involve working with the couple together.

I would encourage any couple in distress to give marriage counseling an honest and wholehearted try.  It may not work for everyone, and sometimes the best solution is for the couple to part ways.  Regardless, you will be better off knowing that you truly did everything possible to save your marriage.

I am an experienced and highly trained marriage and couple counselor in Boca Raton, Florida. Online therapy sessions are also available. Reach out to find out how I can help you get your marriage back on track! 

Danger Signs Your Marriage Therapist is Looking For

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marriage danger

Well trained marriage therapists have most likely studied the work of Drs. John and Julie Gottman. The Gottmans have done the most extensive research on marriage and what predicts divorce.  They discovered four main predictors, which he terms the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” and they are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

All relationships have some of these communication patterns. But, if there are more than one present or any particular one is very strong, a marriage therapist may have doubts about the longevity of your relationship. Learning about and understanding the Four Horsemen will help set your marriage therapy (and relationship) up for success.

HERE ARE THE DETAILS ON THE FOUR HORSEMEN

1.Criticism:

When criticizing, it is done in a way that implies something is wrong with you.  It may include attacking your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong. An example might be using generalizations.  Saying,  “you always…” “you never…” or “you’re the type of person who …” and “why are you so …” This often makes the person feel under attack and in return, it provokes defensive reactions.

Criticism is a bad pattern as neither feels heard and both may start to feel bad about themselves in the presence of the other.  It is important to make a specific complain about behavior, not attack your partner’s personality. For example, when X happened, I felt Y, I need Z.

2. Contempt:

Contempt is any statement or behavior, verbal or nonverbal, that puts you on a higher ground than your partner.  This could be mocking your partner, calling him/her names, eye rolling, hostile humor, hurtful sarcasm, sneering in disgust, etc. It involves attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse the person.

Contempt is the most serious of the four. Couples must work to eliminate such behaviors and build a culture of respect, appreciation, tolerance and kindness in the relationship.

3. Defensiveness:

This is an attempt to defend yourself from a perceived attack with a counter complaint.  Another way is to act like a victim or whine.  This can look like making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in a certain way). Saying things like  “It’s not my fault…”, “I didn’t…” It can also be cross-complaining, such as meeting your partner’s complaint, or criticism with a complaint of your own or ignoring what your partner said. Other  no-nos are yes-butting (start off agreeing but end up disagreeing) or simply repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying.

The best thing to do would be to try to listen from your partner’s perspective.  Slow down and realize that you do not have to be perfect.  Try your best to have conscious communication: speaking the unarguable truth and listening generously. Also, validate your partner (let your partner know what makes sense to you about what they are saying; let them know you understand what they are feeling, see through their eyes.

4. Stonewalling:

This is withdrawing from the conversation and essentially the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. The stonewaller might actually physically leave or just completely shut down. Sometimes this is an attempt to calm oneself when overwhelmed but it is most often unsuccessful. People who do this may think they are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness.

Stonewalling can look like: stony silence, monosyllabic mutterings, changing the subject, removing yourself physically or the “silent treatment.” The antidote is to learn to identify the signs that you or your partner is starting to feel emotionally overwhelmed and to agree together to take a break and that the conversation will resume when you are both calmer.

Now that you know about the Four Horsemen you can definitely do more to mitigate these factors in your relationship.

Do you know that you need five times as much positive feeling and interaction as negative? This is the ratio, at a minimum! After an argument, claim responsibility for your part. Ask yourself,  “what can I learn from this?” and “what can I do about it?”

Use what Gottman terms “repair attempts” during arguments that help to offset the tension.  This may look like humor (used appropriately) or saying something like, “I’m sorry” or “I hear you saying…” or “I understand.” Don’t push buttons and don’t escalate the argument.

Start to recognize that all interactions are really a self-perpetuating cycle that you can exit from. Someone gets triggered, someone reacts, the partner reacts to this, and so on. Slow things down and ask what you are feeling under the surface (e.g., really hurt when you yelled in anger instead) and express that part of yourself.

We can all learn and benefit from the Gottmans’ research and if you still find the Four Horsemen are ruining your relationship, it’s time to seek out a skilled marriage therapist.

You may also like to read this blog, You Might Be The Problem in Your Relationship.

This original blogpost was also syndicated to TheGoodMenProject.com and Psychcentral.com! As a licensed marriage therapist online and in a Boca Raton, Florida office, I am here to offer you private and confidential help if the four horsemen are wrecking your relationship. Reach out to discuss your options. Check out my FREE GUIDE just for couples looking for help.  

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