Marni Feuerman

Managing vs. Resolving Relationship Conflict: The Blueprints for Success

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relationship conflict

World renowned relationship researcher, Dr. John Gottman, tells us that some problems in a relationship are “unsolvable.” These may be things like personality traits your partner has that rubs you the wrong way or long-standing issues around spending and saving money.

What is emphasized within the findings of the research is the idea that two people in a relationship must learn to manage conflict constructively. Solving and resolving these arguments are essentially de-emphasized as it is not likely that a couple will ever completely eliminate them. In fact, sometimes such conflict is constructive or positive for growth! With that being said, let’s look at three main “relationship conflict blueprints” to help you and your partner manage arguments more constructively.

Conflict Blueprint #1:

This relationship conflict blueprint addresses current conflicts. Based on “game theory,” which describes how to improve cooperation with others, this blueprint stresses that both partners put off persuasion tactics until each one can state their position clearly and fully. This involves speaker/listener turn taking. Layered with that is also the idea that both must be emotionally calm (a.k.a. “down-regulated”) when speaking. The listener should even take notes on what is spoken. The speaker should focus on having a softened start-up, stating feelings, and asking for needs to be met in a positive way such as saying what you want (not what you don’t want).

Here are some tips to effectively navigate Blueprint #1:

  • Take a 15 – 20-minute break if things get too heated. When you return to talk, only one person should “have the floor” to talk while the other partner only listens. No interruptions!
  • Begin the conversation with a soft tone or a curious one. Use an “I-statement” to begin. For example, “I’m wondering if I could ask you something? I didn’t feel good when you spoke down to me in front of our friends. Were you aware of your tone?”
  • Use repair attempts! Say key phrases to help your partner see that you are trying to understand and de-escalate the conflict. For instance, you can apologize, use humor appropriately, say, “I hear you,” or “I understand” and so on.

Conflict Blueprint #2:

This relationship conflict blueprint focuses on discussing past emotional injuries that occurred during the relationship. Also called “attachment injuries” by Dr. Sue Johnson, these can create resentment from past events that have gone unresolved. These frequently involve breaches of trust. It is crucial to avoid getting sucked into a negative spiral during these talks. You both need to talk calmly and from the standpoint that there is no correct perception. The goals are to have some comprehension of each other’s perception, however divergent they might be, and to acknowledge that regrettable incidents are inevitable in long-term relationships.

Often a trigger for past underlying trauma from childhood, there are five primary components to a discussion about an emotional injury. These five steps are from the Gottman’s Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident booklet. A couple should focus on the feelings felt, personal realities, underlying triggers, taking responsibility and apologizing, and finally, productive plans for healing.

Here are some tips to effectively navigate Blueprint #2:

  • Apologize to the injured partner in a heartfelt way regardless as to whether or not you agree/disagree with their perception or recall of the particulars. Focus only on the fact that you caused your partner pain.
  • Verbalize what parts you are willing to take responsibility for and any other factors that played into you getting caught up in the fight. For example, “I was too harsh when I spoke to you…I was stressed all day and took it out on you…”
  • Ask your partner what he or she needs from you to heal. Be sure to follow through on the request.

Conflict Blueprint #3:

This relationship conflict blueprint explores the dreams within the conflict. Not all conflicts are created equal. The research helps explain that perpetual problems regularly concerned basic personality differences or core fundamental needs. Couples are often either “gridlocked” or “in dialogue” on the topic. Being in dialogue, the preferred status, is when the couple has learned to accept their differences on that topic but with minor arguments arising occasionally. Overall, peace has been made, and they both agree to disagree.

Moving from gridlock to dialogue involves examining the meaning, or dream, that underlies the partner’s position that he or she is holding to so steadfastly. Each partner may be able to find a way to honor their partner’s dream and what often amounts to a core need in respect to the issue. Those successfully navigating a recurring problem in their relationship have learned to express acceptance of their partners’ personality and are able to talk about and appreciate the underlying meaning of their position on the issue.

Here are some tips to effectively navigate Blueprint #3

  • Take turns speaking and listening. As the speaker, you should talk clearly and honestly about what your position on the topic means to you. Where does it come from and what does it symbolize for you?
  • As the listener, you must create a safe space for the speaker. No judging or arguing. Show genuine interest in what your partner is telling you.

Ironically, it may be comforting to know that virtually all relationships have some unsolvable, perpetual problems that continuously crop up throughout your lives as a couple. It has been said that choosing a partner is essentially choosing those problems along with the person. No one escapes this fact. What’s even more comforting is knowing that we have real science that helps a couple learn how to keep their love alive despite such conflicts.

Source: Gottman, J. M. & Schwartz-Gottman, J. (March 2017), The Natural Principles of Love, Journal of Family Theory and Review

I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman, a marriage therapist in Boca Raton, Florida who specializes in working with highly distressed couples. Reach out to me for relationship help! I originally wrote this article for The Gottman Institue Blog and it was also syndicated to ThriveGlobal.com, The Minds Journal, and turned into a podcast on Optimal Living Daily.

 

What To Do To Help Save Your Marriage If Your Spouse Asks For A Divorce

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divorce

Whether it seems “out of the blue” or you have been sensing it for a long time, it is scary as hell when your spouse wants a divorce. (By the way, it’s almost never “out of the blue,” but that’s another article). Maybe at this point, you will do anything to save your marriage…even marriage therapy. Anyway, what if your spouse says  those dreadful words…“I’m done…I want a divorce?”

As the saying goes, it’s not over ‘till it’s over. If you still desire to save your marriage, there are many things you should (and should not) be doing if your spouse is seriously considering divorce.

Here are the top 10 things you SHOULD NOT do if your spouse asks for a divorce and you want to save your marriage:

  • Do not beg, plead, pursue, or make demands. This will have the opposite effect and turn your spouse off.
  • Do not make excessive phone calls and texts to your spouse. Do not act desperate or needy.
  • Do not continually point out all good points in marriage or about you.
  • Do not try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your wedding pictures, etc.
  • Do not trail your spouse around the house like a sad puppy. In fact, do not appear like a sad puppy at all!
  • Do not ask family or friends to encourage your spouse to stay with you. Discussing such personal matters with these people will upset your spouse and make things worse.
  • Do not buy gifts, flowers, and cards to make up for what you may have done. You will not be successful at buying back love.
  • Do not spy on spouse by following in your car, checking emails, cell phone, bills, etc.
  • Do not say “I love you.” Your spouse is not in the mood to hear it right now, and it will come off as manipulative or “pushy.”
  • Do not go wild. Stay away from drugs, alcohol, the bar scene or having sex with others. If you really want to get your spouse back, these behaviors will not do it!

Here are the top 10 things you SHOULD DO if your spouse wants to divorce and you want to save your marriage:

  • Do bring your “best self” to this crisis. It is not the time to fall apart, go into a rage or get vengeful.  Muster up the best attitude you can.
  • Do keep up with your appearance. Going unshaven, stinking from not showering, looking like a slob or sitting endlessly on the couch watching TV will not be enticing to your spouse at all.
  • Do behave respectfully toward your spouse and have self-respect as well.
  • Do act as though you are moving forward with confidence regardless of whether or not your spouse stays with you.
  • Do keep busy. Continue your day to day activities. And, go out on your own, with friends, with family and the kids. Go to a place of worship, try a new hobby, get some exercise. In other words, get a life for yourself despite what happens with your marriage. You may invite your spouse, but do not react negatively if he or she does not take you up on your suggestion. Do not change your intended plans.
  • Do give your spouse some space! Do not question your spouse about his/her whereabouts or schedule.
  • Do let your spouse see you as content regardless of your current feelings. Your moods will be fluctuating. However, you should be someone that your spouse would want to be around because you are pleasant.
  • Do allow your spouse to come to you with any questions or concerns about the marriage, not the other way around. Other than sincerely letting your partner know that you want to save the marriage, be patient about any discussions about you two. If he or she does come to talk, be an active and engaged listener, showing you care about what is being said.
  • Do not engage in arguments.  Do not “take the bait” if your spouse tries to get you to do this.  You may even have to walk away. (If your spouse claims that you “always walk away,” just state you would be happy to stay and have a civil conversation…then do it!)
  • Do get help. Read self-help or self-improvement books or see a counselor. Divorce Remedy is a good book for your circumstances.

It can be devastating to hear that your spouse wants to leave you. Even spouses that say they want to divorce are actually still somewhat ambivalent about doing so. You want the best opportunity to have things work out in your favor. Many people completely sabotage this by acting desperate, angry, nasty or vengeful. This is the opposite of what you should be doing.  It’s also not a bad idea to suggest a process called discernment counseling to see if he/she is willing to push “pause” on the process so you can both rationally sort through the options for the future of your marriage.

Follow these dos and don’ts and, above all, be consistent in these actions and behaviors. You must demonstrate that you are capable of real change. You need to think deeply about what has gotten you both to this place in your relationship where divorce is on the table. What are the reasons divorce is now imminent? What behaviors are you willing to change to get your marriage on track? Think about what your spouse has probably been complaining about for a very long time. What have you been remiss in hearing and responding to?

It may seem unfair that you have to do all the changing. For now, yes, you most likely do because you are at a disadvantage. It’s essential that you start changing first and before you expect change from your partner. If you have an addiction (porn, substance or other) or you had an affair or you are abusive (physical and/or emotional), you must get your own treatment to work on these. You will also have a long road ahead of you to repair the damage you caused.

Making positive changes (whether your marriage works out or not) is always a good idea. Chances are there are some behaviors or traits you have that would be problematic in most relationships. If you can get your spouse back on board with you about working on the marriage, making changes would definitely not have been in vain.

I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman, is a licensed psychotherapist in Boca Raton, Florida who specializes in working with couples who are highly distressed or on the brink of divorce. Reach out to me for help with your marriage. 

How to Introduce a New Partner to Your Family

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marriage and family therapist

I contributed to the following article found on ESME.com:

 

marriage and family therapist“It will always feel a little funny, awkward, or nerve-wracking to introduce a new person,” cautions Dr. Marni Feuerman, a social worker and marriage and family therapist in Boca Raton, Florida. “Just allow for anything that comes up afterwards.”

“The three-day rule is generally a good one, but it can vary depending on your family,” says Feuerman. “You know your family well, so err on the side of caution. There are parents who may want you to stay longer or those who are distant or cold and just don’t like houseguests. You should also ask both your partner and your parents if that’s too much, encouraging them to be honest, not polite. If it’s too much, don’t do it.”

Read the full article here.

MEDIA CONSULTING

I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman, a licensed clinical social worker and a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Boca Raton, Florida. I offer individual counseling for adults on a wide range of relationship issues and struggles, and I offer couples and marriage counseling. In addition to my psychotherapy practice, I am also a freelance writer and a frequently quoted expert in the media on topics about relationships. I have been invited to do video projects (both as a contributor and scriptwriter), radio interviews and podcasts as well. View more of my media sampling and my articles on my personal “The Talking Solution Blog.” You may contact me for interviews, writing and speaking engagements.

Redbook Expert Media Contributions

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redbook media contributions
redbook media contributions

I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman, a licensed clinical social worker and a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in South Florida. I offer individual counseling for adults on a wide range of relationship problems, and I specialize in couples and marriage counseling.

In addition to my psychotherapy practice, I am also an author , freelance writer, speaker, and frequently quoted expert in the media on topics about relationships, love, marriage, dating, and divorce. I have been invited to do video projects (both as a contributor and scriptwriter), radio interviews, and podcasts. View more of my media contributions and my articles on my blog. 

Feel free to contact me for interviews, writing and speaking opportunities!

Why is Couples Therapy So Expensive?

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couples therapy expense

If you have been searching for couples therapy in your area, you are likely experiencing “sticker shock.” Some of the best therapists in town are charging between $200 – $300 per hour.  After crunching the numbers, you realize if you need months of therapy than it will amount to a few thousand dollars. So, you are likely wondering,  is couples therapy really worth the expense?

Yes it is, and here are the reasons why marriage and couples therapy can be so expensive:

  1. The therapist who (truly) specializes in couples therapy has extensive and costly training that enables them to do this work. All of these specialists have a minimum of a masters degree and many have a doctorate. These degrees require years of post-graduate study. After this extensive education, therapists must do their clinical hours under supervision that they pay for on a weekly basis for a minimum of two years. Many therapists elect to complete additional training in a particular method of couples’ therapy (such as EFT or The Gottman Method). Therefore, marriage therapists are highly educated and highly skilled, and their expertise is not, and should not be, inexpensive.
  2. Insurance does not cover couples therapy. Relationship problems and couples/marriage therapy do not have a “billable diagnostic code” for insurance.  Some therapists will give one partner a diagnosis and bill for sessions under that client. You may be able to find a therapist willing to do this, but again, he or she may be a general therapist and not have specialized training to work with couples. Some therapists ethically wish to avoid labeling one of you when the problem being treated is a relational Unfortunately, insurance reimbursement DOES NOT commensurate with the experience of those who specialize in couples therapy or other complex mental health disorders.
  3. Couples therapy takes longer than individual therapy. Relationship dynamics are complex. Working with you both as a couple will take more time than individual therapy.  The assessment process alone can take up to four sessions. You also may have waited too long to get help and the problems can be bigger and more complicated by the time you finally make the call to find a therapist.
  4. Couples therapists have a hard time with the “50 minute hour.” The sweet spot for an effective couples’ session seems to be around 75 – 90 minutes.  Research supports this estimate. Things are usually hitting a pivotal point around 50 – 60 minutes and stopping right then is difficult.  It is much better to tie up loose ends as much as possible in each session and this often requires more time with two people than it does with one.

Options If You Can’t Afford Couples Therapy

Keep in mind that marriage therapy will always cost less than a divorce.  If you are financially struggling, you may be able to find a “sliding fee” therapist or community agency for less than a traditional marriage therapist.  If you are near a university or training center, going to that institution’s clinic may be a viable solution as well, but expect to be working with someone still under supervision for their degree and/or license.  Note that the quality may vary with these selections, so be sure to ask the right questions to find out about the therapist’s specialized training with couples and/or how he or she will be supervised.

A couples workshop or group is also often a lower cost option. Reading highly recommended self-help books together can also be beneficial. These options may only work for couples with minor or less complicated issues. Doing a workshop and reading self-help books can also possibly assist in shortening the time you need to be in marriage therapy.

It never hurts to ask the therapist for a reduced fee.  The worst he or she can say is “no.”  The next question might be about another therapist or a resource the therapist might recommend in your area if their services are still beyond your financial reach.

Although couple therapy is costly, it is absolutely worth it. If you are not sure that it is right for you and your spouse, you both can always commit to an initial visit only at first.  Making the effort to find the best help you can afford or budget your money for this service is a sound idea.  When you commit to counseling, give it a full and sincere effort and you will find it was a wise investment in your relationship.

I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman, a licensed marriage and family therapist with extensive training in couples therapy. My office is in Boca Raton, Florida but I also conduct online therapy sessions. Reach out for more information. This article was originally written for Brides.com.

How To Find a Marriage Therapist

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marriage therapist

Having to search for a really good, highly qualified marriage therapist can seem like a daunting task. It’s always ideal to ask for a referral from a friend who has gone to one with their spouse, or your physician or clergy. It is understandable that some of you may be uncomfortable asking anyone as you’ll obviously be disclosing that you and your spouse are having problems. That’s often why going online is often where people turn. However, this doesn’t always a guarantee a successful outcome as the internet is still the “wild west” and you are taking your chances.

Here are five tips to help you find the right professional to help you with your marriage:

  • Search reputable directories

There are some reputable websites with a therapist search feature. These are more popular among professionals that are trained to work with couples and can help you the most when searching for a marriage therapist.

Modern Commitment

The International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally-Focused Therapy (click on the “find a therapist” tab)

National Registry of Marriage-Friendly Therapists

AAMFT (use the “therapist locator” search feature)

The Gottman Institute (use the “find a therapist” feature)

  • Look for the right credentials

All therapists are required to be licensed (or licensed eligible) to practice therapy. A practitioner who does marriage therapy can be a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT), licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), licensed mental health counselor (LMHC) or psychologist (Ph.D. or PsyD).

To specialize in a particular disorder or population, such as marriage or couples treatment, often requires advanced training. Think of this in terms of having a problem with your heart. You would want to see a cardiologist, not a general practitioner. It is the same for couples (and family) work. A couples therapist trained (or certified) in emotionally-focused couple’s therapy (EFT) in particular will have experience with the most proven method to help couples available.

  • Ask the marriage therapist the right questions

It is perfectly acceptable to ask the therapist some direct questions to find out if he or she is competent to practice and would be a good fit. This is especially important if the therapist was not directly referred to you by a someone who knows them well or that has been under their care. You may wish to know how long you will need marriage therapy, but understand that no therapist can easily predict this until a thorough assessment is completed (and even then it can be difficult). Expect to be in therapy a minimum of four to six months and possibly up to a year depending on the degree of problems and how long you have had them. After getting information on fees and scheduling options (make sure you can both make the appointments consistently), the therapist should be willing to spend several minutes on the phone to answer any questions.

  • Appropriate questions to ask before hiring a marriage therapist:

How long have you been practicing couples therapy?

Do you have advanced training?  Can you elaborate on that?

How long are sessions?

What should we expect?

It’s also okay to ask the marital status of the counselor if this is important to you. You may feel more comfortable with a counselor married with kids than one never married or divorced. It isn’t right to ask a bunch of personal questions of the counselor but marital status should be acceptable. You will also want to know there is anything that would rule you out as good candidates for marriage therapy. Examples might be a history of domestic violence, heavy substance abuse, and so on. You can always attend the initial session and go from there. The therapist should tell you if some other treatment or service is more appropriate instead.

  • Trust your “gut” about the marriage therapist when you first meet

Is what the counselor telling you making sense?  Does it sound like he or she has a good understanding of your problems and what can be done to improve things? Do you both like the counselor and feel comfortable?  If you both do not feel this way within the first few sessions, this particular marriage therapist may not be a good match and it is okay to find another one. Understand that the therapist will assist and guide you to find ways for you both to solve your problems but is not there to solve them for you. A lot of work will be required of you.

Keep in mind that finding help for your marriage is a brave undertaking.  It is also one that can help you significantly with whatever problems you are struggling with. Knowing how and where to start is the first step.

Dr. Marni Feuerman is a licensed marriage therapist in Boca Raton, Florida with extensive training in working with couples. Reach out to her for more information about services.

Why I Practice Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

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EFT couples therapy

Throughout the course of my career as a couples therapist, I’ve tried various approaches in my quest to help couples in distress. They’ve all had some value and still do. However, it wasn’t until I began to learn and practice emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT) that I honestly felt there was a superior approach that far surpassed anything else I was trained in.

Here are some of the reasons why I believe Emotionally Focused Therapy is superior to any other method to help couples.

  • EFT is based on one of the most accepted theories in psychology

Attachment theory is one of the most (if not “thee” most) prolific and accepted theories within the entire field of psychology. It is one that has been studied and proven extensively. Imagine having numerous scholars in a room all in agreement over anything! This is one thing they would all agree on. Our attachment history begins at birth and impacts us the rest of our lives. The availability and consistency of our caregivers (often our parents) creates a lasting imprint for how we view the world and others in it. Furthermore, it significantly impacts our romantic relationships. EFT is grounded in attachment theory making it a solid approach.

  • EFT helps the therapist stay neutral with a couple

Having trust and an alliance with both partners is crucial to making any progress. It is also imperative that no one feels like the “bad guy” or on the hot seat. If one partner gets turned off to couples’ therapy, he or she will not return. EFT provides a way to help both partners feel safe to open up and talk about some difficult topics.

  • EFT integrates brain science

Hearing the word “brain science” may sound intimidating. But, really the central piece to understand is that EFT fits well with what we know about how our brain works. For example, how we respond on the inside to threat…what happens when we escalate into anger or shut down and can’t talk. Knowing some basic information about the brain helps us understand how and why we react certain ways during arguments and what we need to do to help a couple find their way out of these patterns.

  • There’s no homework

Technically, there is no real “homework” when you do EFT. In several other approaches, couples are given homework in between sessions. In my experience (and that of other colleagues), this usually goes poorly. Either it just doesn’t get done, or the couple comes to the following session arguing about whose fault it is that the homework didn’t get done. Part of the beauty of this form of couples therapy is that most of the work is done right in session. EFT is known as an “experiential” approach. This means that the process of EFT is experienced in real time right in session with your partner. The therapy actively engages you both to help change negative patterns within the relationship.

  • Extensive research backs EFT

Remember, anyone can say or do anything, give it a fancy name, and claim it works. However with EFT, “the proof is in the pudding” so to speak! There’s over 20 years’ worth of research studies that have demonstrated the effectiveness of the therapy. There is no other method of helping couples found to be superior to EFT. Another popular approach called Gottman Method is grounded in science as well but the drawback is that the research is based on relationships in general whereas EFT is based on the process and outcome of couples therapy. This difference is consequential. EFT research results also show that the progress couples make is also maintained over time.

  • EFT works well with all kinds of populations

EFT is practiced all over the world. Because of its scientific foundation (attachment theory, brain science), it has shown to be effective both cross-culturally and with other co-occurring problems such as trauma, depression or substance abuse. It is also an effective method for working with the LGBT community. It’s an approach to help relationships…any and all relationships. In fact, we also have a form of EFT for individuals and families as well.

  • EFT feels organic

This may not sound like the most legit reason, but here’s why I think it is important. Therapists use theory, approaches and various skills to help their clients. But they also use intuition. EFT makes intuitive sense. It does so because of some of the other reasons already listed: it is a theory about how people relate to others and romantic relationships. It simply makes sense and feels organic.

I would encourage those seeking couples therapy to find a therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy. You will learn about your partner, yourself, and the intricacies of your interactions. You will learn how to get out of your distressing moments and escalating arguments. But most importantly, you will learn how to become close, connected and bonded for life.

Learn more about EFT in this article I wrote for VeryWell.com and listen to this podcast where I talk about it!

I am a certified emotionally focused couples therapist and supervisor practicing online and in my Boca Raton, Florida office. I also supervise licensed professionals seeking EFT certification and/or licensure in marriage and family therapy.

The List Expert Media Contributions

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The List media contributions

The List media contributionsAs a go-to source for The List journalists, you’ll find my relationship expert media contributions on their online outlet.

Check some of them out here:  

How To Know If You’re In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Features That Turn People Off

MEDIA CONSULTING

I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman, a licensed clinical social worker and a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in South Florida. I offer individual counseling for adults on a wide range of relationship problems, and I specialize in couples and marriage counseling.

In addition to my psychotherapy practice, I am also an author , freelance writer, speaker, and frequently quoted expert in the media on topics about relationships, love, marriage, dating, and divorce. I have been invited to do video projects (both as a contributor and scriptwriter), radio interviews, and podcasts. View more of my media contributions and my articles on my blog.

Feel free to contact me for interviews, writing and speaking opportunities!

Considering Marriage Counseling? 6 Facts You Need To Know

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marriage counseling

Many people consider going to couples or marriage counseling at some point during their relationship.  Sadly, marriage counseling has a questionable success rate.  This is for a variety of reasons that can be mitigated when you understand the following facts about this type of therapy.

1. Marriage counseling is quite different than individual counseling.  This is because marriage counseling deals with problems within the “system” and dynamic of the couple.  The focus is more on the interaction or “process” between the two people, not just the problem or issue (known at “content”).

Some therapists are highly trained in marriage and family systems, particularly Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists (LMFT). These therapists, in essence, are “process consultants” helping couples restructure their relationship.  It is critical to choose a therapist well trained in this specialty as opposed to a “generalist.”  Most therapists will take a neutral and unbiased stance toward each of you, and will view the relationship itself as the “client.”

2. Couples do not always realize that they really need professional intervention to help them.  

So many of us try the same solution over and over to try to solve a problem or simply go on ignoring it.  However, in relationships, people should seek guidance if they find that there is a high degree of distress, difficulty communicating, general dissatisfaction or a lack of connection. Some issues creating problems are often around mistrust, betrayal, infidelity, sexual dissatisfaction, parenting disagreements, finances, difficulties with in-laws or other extended family members.

Counseling may be needed for any number of reasons!  If most often boils down to a long-standing negative pattern of interaction or a particular recurring issue that becomes too hard to tackle between the two of you.

3. Most couples are reluctant to try marriage counseling.

This may be for a range of reasons, including stigma, shame, embarrassment or difficulty taking responsibility for the problems in the relationship.  Many people blame their partner for the problems they are experiencing together entirely. However, with rare exceptions  (i.e. abuse),  most therapists completely stay out of the “blame game” or “who started it” and look at the interface between the two people.

Some people may also have misconceptions about what is involved in couple’s or marriage therapy and anticipate a negative experience when often times it is just the opposite.  Frequently one person in the relationship who is unwilling to come in for marriage counseling which regrettably puts the kibosh on pursuing this opportunity for growth.

4. Marriage counseling can help couples grow, thrive and communicate better.

Therapy can help the couple view their relationship from a different perspective, change dysfunctional behavior, develop a more secure connection and romantic bond, acknowledge their strengths (not just their problems) and improve communication.  When couples learn how to de-escalate conflict and find their way out of a toxic pattern of interaction, they can heal, grow and communicate with each other regardless of the subject matter.

5. Certain factors help marriage counseling have a better outcome.

Marriage counseling works best when the couple comes in early when problems are beginning to arise and not waiting too long.  It is also most successful when there is still a lot of love, hope for the relationship and motivation for treatment despite the distress they may be experiencing.  Likewise, it’s beneficial when each partner refrains from getting defensive and remains open to their partner’s point of view in session.  The couple should also be willing to follow the guidance the therapist is providing.  Finally, you both should be in agreement on the choice of marriage therapist that you feel comfortable with.

6. Some couples are not appropriate for marriage counseling.

Marriage counseling is not advised when there is violence or abuse in the relationship.  A history of abuse is counterproductive to the process of building trust during sessions.  It is also not advised when one partner is coerced or threatened in some way to attend treatment. You will end up just spinning your wheels if both people aren’t motivated to work on the marriage.  There are other therapeutic options for these circumstances that frequently do not involve working with the couple together.

I would encourage any couple in distress to give marriage counseling an honest and wholehearted try.  It may not work for everyone, and sometimes the best solution is for the couple to part ways.  Regardless, you will be better off knowing that you truly did everything possible to save your marriage.

I am an experienced and highly trained marriage and couple counselor in Boca Raton, Florida. Online therapy sessions are also available. Reach out to find out how I can help you get your marriage back on track! 

5 Fake Relationship Rules and What You Should Believe Instead

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fake relationship rules

There are many relationship rules. The things you “should” and “shouldn’t” do in your relationship. When there’s new information, it’s best to revise what you learned if it’s no longer relevant. Some rules, however, seem to want to stick around. Let’s look at the ones you should no longer believe, along with what’s really true.

The rules come from a combination of sources, including my professional work with couples as a marriage counselor, scientific research, and personal experience. Following the new relationship rules will help your bond stand the test of time!

  1. Fake: Try to fight fair. Truth: Try to fight well.

Fighting fair is next to impossible. To try to will only be frustrating and likely to make the fight worse. We all fight to win. You may as well admit it. But, in a romantic relationship, you should do everything possible to fight well instead. There is a big difference.

When you fight, you can try to listen, understand, empathize, and sincerely apologize if you did something wrong. This is how you fight well. The goal is to not to win the argument. In doing so, you will quickly become the enemy or the argument will escalate out of control. On the flip-side, you should not avoid a discussion that may need to take place.

Relationships have a lot of “rupture and repair” as they go on. When you both run into a rough spot, talk it out and try to end on a positive note. You both need to feel valued and heard regardless of the outcome. Realize that there is not always a perfect answer or solution.

2. Fake: Try to change your partner’s perspective. Truth: Try to understand your partner’s perspective.

This also applies if your partner’s view is utterly irrational. Yes, really! Our opinions don’t come out of nowhere. They are influenced by our past and our experiences. Our perspectives originate from the meaning we assign to them. They belong to us, and we are entitled to them. Therefore, trying to change their point of view, even if it doesn’t make much sense to us, will not work. It will also make the matter worse.

We all want to be understood. Trying to empathize and put yourself in your significant other’s shoes is the best way to handle this. You are not necessarily saying they are right. You are merely trying to get how and why they think and feel as they do.

3. Fake: If it’s really important to you, start the conversation (and with lot’s of ammo). Truth: Try a softer conversation start-up.

Your partner can set you off big time. When you are triggered, be careful how be begin the conversation. If you are over the top angry and attacking, I can tell you right now it is not going to go well. You may very well have the right to be upset but if you actually want a resolution to your complaint, get yourself in a calmer state of mind before approaching the issue with your partner. This works even if the topic is uber-important to you. In fact, softer vulnerable feelings draw people close to us, elicits empathy and makes what you’re trying to communicate more likely to be responded to by your partner.

4. Fake: If things are getting heated or not going your way, refuse to talk to calm it down. Truth: Try to talk even if you struggle or it’s getting heated.

Refusing to discuss a problem in your relationship is toxic. It may be really hard to talk. You might have trouble expressing yourself. You may feel too overwhelmed to speak. This is all understandable. However, you owe it to your relationship to find a way to discuss your thoughts and feelings.

I promise, you do not have to be Shakespeare, you just have to make a good faith attempt to talk. If it’s getting heated, tell your partner that you are taking a break to calm down and you’ll be back in 20 minutes to try to resume the conversation. (Oh, and you actually have to go back to talk in 20 minutes!)

5. Fake: Hold to your high standards no matter what. Truth: Be reasonable.

Partners who feel they can never get it right or the goal post keeps moving will at some point give up.  Small attempts at closeness and connection can be easily missed if you always expect grand gestures. Notice your partner’s efforts to please you or get it right and show appreciation for it. This will create a much more positive interaction that also nurtures your relationship.

Most of us are doing the best we can in relationships. We may have learned from our families growing up how things should be. As long as your open to learning new ways of handling communication and conflict in your relationship, you’ll likely be successful. It’s time to say goodbye to fake news and fake relationship rules.

I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman, a licensed marriage counselor practicing in Boca Raton, Florida. Please reach out to me to if your relationship is struggling. Be sure to grab your free resource to kick-start your journey. 

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