emotionally focused couples therapy

5 Reasons You Might Be Setting Your Marriage Therapy Up For Failure

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marriage therapist

Congratulations if you have decided to seek help to fix your marriage. If you are, it is likely that your problems have been going on for a while, maybe even years. Whatever it is that has you saying “it’s time to try marriage therapy,” you’ve made a wise decision. Step one, you must find the right person to help you and your spouse.

Finding a marriage therapist, especially a competent one that you both agree on, can seem like a daunting task. It is likely you are going to turn to your health insurance plan or Google. Here’s where things can get tricky, and I will tell you why.

Reasons you may set your marriage therapy up for failure

1. You take a shot in the dark with Google.

I have seen some of the most beautiful websites with all the bells and whistles of therapists who have no clue what they are doing. Anyone can create a website and put nearly whatever they want on there. Please don’t be fooled by a beautiful website.

Secondly, you will see lots of buzzwords you may have heard on Oprah or somewhere else. The bottom line is that at this point in time, the most thoroughly researched method of helping couples is called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. All of the studies over the past twenty years has shown the most positive results of any form of treatment. If another approach surpasses these results, I will update this article to reflect this new information.

2. You go to your insurance plan directory.

The providers on your plan do have to go through a bit more of a screening. But a clear majority of the providers are general therapists, not specialists. Therapists who specialize are most often out of network or self-pay only. This is most often because the insurance reimbursement rate does not commensurate with experience and costly training a marriage therapist has completed.

3. You stick with the first marriage therapist you see even when you gut tells you not to.

You will know quite quickly, usually between one to three sessions, if this therapist is a fit and seems to get your situation and knows what they’re doing. Trust your gut. It is crucial for you both to like the therapist and agree that this person is a fit for you. Even if just one of you isn’t comfortable, it can sabotage the process.

4. You’re trying to find treatment at a bargain.

A highly qualified licensed marriage therapist is expensive. Most therapists will slide somewhat. But even so, expect to pay on average, depending upon your area, approximately $150 – $250 per session. Paying for therapy should help you feel more invested in its success. Keep in mind that marital distress is a critical matter.

Something else to think about…after polling a few attorneys about the average divorce costs their clients, I’m told between $10,000 – $100,000. The average cost of a course of couple therapy does not come close to the lower end of that range. Not to mention the emotional toll on you, your children, and your circle of friends, and relatives.

5. You have a negative attitude.

If you approach the process of therapy negatively or you want to blame your spouse for everything, it is likely to fail. Relationship problems can cast a dark cloud over everything in your life. I realize that it’s a lot to ask to be hopeful, but it is very important. It’s also unrealistic to think your spouse is completely responsible for all the problems. Be open to your own change and growth.

Starting off right and with the right marriage therapist

You may get lucky. You just might find a great therapist at a reasonable cost or one that is covered by your insurance. But, do you really want to roll the dice with one of the most important decisions of your life? One that could seal the fate of your marriage? I bet this sounds ludicrous, right? Here’s what to do instead:

  • If you have any friend who tells you they had a great experience with a couples’ therapist, ask who they saw. You may be reluctant to do this as you don’t wish to air your dirty laundry. You don’t have to say it’s for you. You can make that part up. It may seem a little old-fashioned, but it is still the best way to find a referral.
  • Ask a therapist you may know as an acquaintance or one you may see individually. It is likely they know a skilled couples therapist who has established an excellent reputation.
  • Search the directory of emotionally focused couple therapists (www.iceeft) to see if there is someone trained in this approach in your area.

When searching for a potential marriage therapist, choose carefully and wisely. It’s not the time to shop around for the least expensive rate. It’s definitely not the time to see someone without extensive training in marriage therapy.

Once you find a marriage therapist you wish to try, spend several minutes interviewing them on the phone asking about their training, the percentage of their practice that is couples (it should be 50% or more) and how they work. After the first few visits if you and your partner aren’t feeling it’s the right choice, move on!

I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman, a nationally recognized marriage expert and marriage therapist in private practice online and in South Florida. Please reach out to me to talk more about how I can help you! Check out my FREE GUIDE  just for couples seeking help. 

Why I Practice Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

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EFT couples therapy

Throughout the course of my career as a couples therapist, I’ve tried various approaches in my quest to help couples in distress. They’ve all had some value and still do. However, it wasn’t until I began to learn and practice emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT) that I honestly felt there was a superior approach that far surpassed anything else I was trained in.

Here are some of the reasons why I believe Emotionally Focused Therapy is superior to any other method to help couples.

  • EFT is based on one of the most accepted theories in psychology

Attachment theory is one of the most (if not “thee” most) prolific and accepted theories within the entire field of psychology. It is one that has been studied and proven extensively. Imagine having numerous scholars in a room all in agreement over anything! This is one thing they would all agree on. Our attachment history begins at birth and impacts us the rest of our lives. The availability and consistency of our caregivers (often our parents) creates a lasting imprint for how we view the world and others in it. Furthermore, it significantly impacts our romantic relationships. EFT is grounded in attachment theory making it a solid approach.

  • EFT helps the therapist stay neutral with a couple

Having trust and an alliance with both partners is crucial to making any progress. It is also imperative that no one feels like the “bad guy” or on the hot seat. If one partner gets turned off to couples’ therapy, he or she will not return. EFT provides a way to help both partners feel safe to open up and talk about some difficult topics.

  • EFT integrates brain science

Hearing the word “brain science” may sound intimidating. But, really the central piece to understand is that EFT fits well with what we know about how our brain works. For example, how we respond on the inside to threat…what happens when we escalate into anger or shut down and can’t talk. Knowing some basic information about the brain helps us understand how and why we react certain ways during arguments and what we need to do to help a couple find their way out of these patterns.

  • There’s no homework

Technically, there is no real “homework” when you do EFT. In several other approaches, couples are given homework in between sessions. In my experience (and that of other colleagues), this usually goes poorly. Either it just doesn’t get done, or the couple comes to the following session arguing about whose fault it is that the homework didn’t get done. Part of the beauty of this form of couples therapy is that most of the work is done right in session. EFT is known as an “experiential” approach. This means that the process of EFT is experienced in real time right in session with your partner. The therapy actively engages you both to help change negative patterns within the relationship.

  • Extensive research backs EFT

Remember, anyone can say or do anything, give it a fancy name, and claim it works. However with EFT, “the proof is in the pudding” so to speak! There’s over 20 years’ worth of research studies that have demonstrated the effectiveness of the therapy. There is no other method of helping couples found to be superior to EFT. Another popular approach called Gottman Method is grounded in science as well but the drawback is that the research is based on relationships in general whereas EFT is based on the process and outcome of couples therapy. This difference is consequential. EFT research results also show that the progress couples make is also maintained over time.

  • EFT works well with all kinds of populations

EFT is practiced all over the world. Because of its scientific foundation (attachment theory, brain science), it has shown to be effective both cross-culturally and with other co-occurring problems such as trauma, depression or substance abuse. It is also an effective method for working with the LGBT community. It’s an approach to help relationships…any and all relationships. In fact, we also have a form of EFT for individuals and families as well.

  • EFT feels organic

This may not sound like the most legit reason, but here’s why I think it is important. Therapists use theory, approaches and various skills to help their clients. But they also use intuition. EFT makes intuitive sense. It does so because of some of the other reasons already listed: it is a theory about how people relate to others and romantic relationships. It simply makes sense and feels organic.

I would encourage those seeking couples therapy to find a therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy. You will learn about your partner, yourself, and the intricacies of your interactions. You will learn how to get out of your distressing moments and escalating arguments. But most importantly, you will learn how to become close, connected and bonded for life.

Learn more about EFT in this article I wrote for VeryWell.com and listen to this podcast where I talk about it!

I am a certified emotionally focused couples therapist and supervisor practicing online and in my Boca Raton, Florida office. I also supervise licensed professionals seeking EFT certification and/or licensure in marriage and family therapy.

Considering Marriage Counseling? 6 Facts You Need To Know

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marriage counseling

Many people consider going to couples or marriage counseling at some point during their relationship.  Sadly, marriage counseling has a questionable success rate.  This is for a variety of reasons that can be mitigated when you understand the following facts about this type of therapy.

1. Marriage counseling is quite different than individual counseling.  This is because marriage counseling deals with problems within the “system” and dynamic of the couple.  The focus is more on the interaction or “process” between the two people, not just the problem or issue (known at “content”).

Some therapists are highly trained in marriage and family systems, particularly Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists (LMFT). These therapists, in essence, are “process consultants” helping couples restructure their relationship.  It is critical to choose a therapist well trained in this specialty as opposed to a “generalist.”  Most therapists will take a neutral and unbiased stance toward each of you, and will view the relationship itself as the “client.”

2. Couples do not always realize that they really need professional intervention to help them.  

So many of us try the same solution over and over to try to solve a problem or simply go on ignoring it.  However, in relationships, people should seek guidance if they find that there is a high degree of distress, difficulty communicating, general dissatisfaction or a lack of connection. Some issues creating problems are often around mistrust, betrayal, infidelity, sexual dissatisfaction, parenting disagreements, finances, difficulties with in-laws or other extended family members.

Counseling may be needed for any number of reasons!  If most often boils down to a long-standing negative pattern of interaction or a particular recurring issue that becomes too hard to tackle between the two of you.

3. Most couples are reluctant to try marriage counseling.

This may be for a range of reasons, including stigma, shame, embarrassment or difficulty taking responsibility for the problems in the relationship.  Many people blame their partner for the problems they are experiencing together entirely. However, with rare exceptions  (i.e. abuse),  most therapists completely stay out of the “blame game” or “who started it” and look at the interface between the two people.

Some people may also have misconceptions about what is involved in couple’s or marriage therapy and anticipate a negative experience when often times it is just the opposite.  Frequently one person in the relationship who is unwilling to come in for marriage counseling which regrettably puts the kibosh on pursuing this opportunity for growth.

4. Marriage counseling can help couples grow, thrive and communicate better.

Therapy can help the couple view their relationship from a different perspective, change dysfunctional behavior, develop a more secure connection and romantic bond, acknowledge their strengths (not just their problems) and improve communication.  When couples learn how to de-escalate conflict and find their way out of a toxic pattern of interaction, they can heal, grow and communicate with each other regardless of the subject matter.

5. Certain factors help marriage counseling have a better outcome.

Marriage counseling works best when the couple comes in early when problems are beginning to arise and not waiting too long.  It is also most successful when there is still a lot of love, hope for the relationship and motivation for treatment despite the distress they may be experiencing.  Likewise, it’s beneficial when each partner refrains from getting defensive and remains open to their partner’s point of view in session.  The couple should also be willing to follow the guidance the therapist is providing.  Finally, you both should be in agreement on the choice of marriage therapist that you feel comfortable with.

6. Some couples are not appropriate for marriage counseling.

Marriage counseling is not advised when there is violence or abuse in the relationship.  A history of abuse is counterproductive to the process of building trust during sessions.  It is also not advised when one partner is coerced or threatened in some way to attend treatment. You will end up just spinning your wheels if both people aren’t motivated to work on the marriage.  There are other therapeutic options for these circumstances that frequently do not involve working with the couple together.

I would encourage any couple in distress to give marriage counseling an honest and wholehearted try.  It may not work for everyone, and sometimes the best solution is for the couple to part ways.  Regardless, you will be better off knowing that you truly did everything possible to save your marriage.

I am an experienced and highly trained marriage and couple counselor in Boca Raton, Florida. Online therapy sessions are also available. Reach out to find out how I can help you get your marriage back on track! 

Conversations Every Couple Needs To Have

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hold me tight

If you were to hear that a therapist’s method of helping distressed couples bond again had a seventy-five percent success rate (as opposed to the rather dismal thirty-five percent success rate of most of the other forms of couples therapy), wouldn’t you want to learn more about the methodology?

Psychologist and researcher Dr. Sue Johnson has done exactly that.  She created a whole new way of helping couples cope with serious relationship issues that has proven time and time again to be highly successful.

Based on a validated science-based method of couples therapy called Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT), Dr. Johnson wrote a book called Hold Me Tight, Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love for the general public with all the information to move from conflict to calmness in your relationship. Hold Me Tight explains her process, clearly and in detail, for all to benefit from.

The Hold Me Tight relationship enhancement workshops, also created by Dr. Johnson, are formatted from the book and are held all over the country by local professionals.  These workshops teach seven different conversations designed to help couples learn how to move away from negative patterns of conflict, increase their emotional responsiveness to one another, forgive old wounds, and rekindle their desire and affection. This program educates couples through presentations, viewing videos of Dr. Johnson working with couples, and interactive experiences that couples do together.  The couples soon begin to recognize the defining moments of their relationship and build new connections. All experiential, interactive work is done privately between the partners followed by group discussion. No one is required to “air their dirty laundry” so to speak with the group.

The seven conversations through which participants are guided are designed to increase the experience of emotional responsiveness, that sense of safety and closeness that addresses three primary needs:

Accessibility – Can I reach you?  Do you hear what I need?

Responsiveness – Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?

Engagement – Do I know that you will value me and stay close?

The theory is that these “A.R.E” questions are often buried, hidden just under the surface in most of our recurring arguments about issues such as sex, kids, personality differences, and money. If partners feel safe and loved, they can deal with differences and problems together.  If not, relationship issues and fears get channeled into endless disagreements around practical issues of everyday life. By guiding you through seven transforming conversations, the program will show you how to create a safe, loving bond with your partner.

The first four conversations teach the participants to limit negative spirals that leave them both disconnected.  It also outlines how to tune into each other in a way that builds lasting emotional responsiveness. The next two conversations demonstrate how couples can promote emotional bonding through forgiving injuries and sexual intimacy. The final conversation shows you how to care for your relationship on a daily basis.

Here are the seven key conversations that all couples need to have:

Recognizing Demon Dialogues – In this initial conversation, couples identify common emotional reactions that lead to negative cycles.  Being able to identify the negative patterns is the first step to being able to step out of those patterns.

Finding the Raw Spots – Next, each partner learns to look beyond their immediate, impulsive reactions to discover the vulnerable feelings under the negative cycles.

Revisiting a Rocky Moment – This conversation develops a safe platform for de-escalating conflict, repairing disconnections, and building emotional security.

Hold Me Tight – Now the partners can move into being more accessible, emotionally responsive, and deeply engaged, known as “A.R.E.,” to strengthen and protect their emotional connection.

Forgiving Injuries – Old emotional hurts can block intimacy and a secure connection. Knowing how to identify these injuries and offer and accept forgiveness empowers couples to strengthen their bonds.

Bonding Through Sex and Touch – Here, couples learn more about how emotional connection enhances physical connection, which in turn creates deeper emotional connection – the best kind of cycle.

Keeping Your Love Alive – The last conversation in the program builds on the understanding that a love relationship is a continual process of losing and finding an emotional connection; it helps couples to be deliberate and mindful about maintaining that connection.

This workshop gives couples real tools to create a lifetime of love!

To experience a Relationship Enhancement Workshop based on Hold Me Tight in Boca Raton, Florida, go to www.HMTFlorida.com.  Take a listen to this podcast where I discuss these conversations. Feel free to reach out to me with any questions! 

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