It Ain’t Over Till It’s Over (and Even Then, It Ain’t Always Over)
I want to share a story about a married couple I’ll call Erin and Ben. They came to me a couple of years ago for a process called Discernment Counseling. This counseling process was developed to guide couples on the brink of divorce. Usually one or both partners are strongly considering ending the marriage. In a vast majority of these cases, one spouse wants the divorce while the other spouse wants the opportunity to save the marriage and is willing to commit to marriage therapy.
Erin and Ben decided that reconciliation wasn’t the right path for them. It’s usually one person who leads this final decision, and in this case, it was Erin. The last straw came when she found out Ben had an affair which she did not know about previously. I discontinued my services after providing resources for divorcing. They began the process with legal counsel and hashing out their marital settlement agreement.
It Ain’t Over Till It’s Over
Let’s take a quick sidetrack…
According to the free dictionary, the idiom, “it ain’t over till it’s over” means, “The final outcome cannot be assumed or determined until a given situation, event, etc., is completely finished.” Its most frequent use is in reference to competitions, such as sporting events, political elections
Baseball legend Yogi Berra is the first to use the phase during the 1973 baseball National League pennant race. His team was way behind, with a loss nearly certain, but they eventually turned things around and won the division title. The team members rallied. They didn’t just give up because they were losing. They brought their best selves to the game even when an undesired outcome was very likely.
The saying is often regurgitated in popular media and has also moved beyond competitions and into clarifying a relationship status. There are wisdom and truth in it. It encourages people to wait, not make a judgment just yet because even with tremendous struggle and poor odds, the outcome still may turn around.
Now back again to Erin and Ben…
Many months after my last contact with them, I got a surprising call from Erin. She had a change of heart and wished to halt the divorce process and try to reconcile with a course of marriage therapy. I was so curious to learn what gave her a change of heart.
What she relayed to me was incredibly valuable. It validated some of the guidance I give to the spouse who is often desperate to save the marriage but sometimes makes things worse even unintentionally. She said what has her reconsidering her decision was the way he treated her during the divorce process. He was kind, helpful, generous, caring, and he wanted to make sure she was safe and secure as a soon to be single mother of their two children. He also expressed regret and remorse for not just the affair but also some of his other behavior during their marriage. Erin was blown away and felt a lot of love returning just from his handling of the separation, his consideration for her, and his genuine display of remorse.
You Can’t Divorce Yourself
The other part of what she relayed to me validated the second piece of advice I give somebody strongly considering divorce, and that is, you can’t divorce yourself. There’s tremendous potential to bring our own personal problem, negative personality trait, poor style of communication, and so on, into the next relationship. Both partners need a deeper understanding of their role in what caused the marriage to end and this is an important piece to figure this out. Erin let me know she often reflected on this fact.
The Divorce Rate is Higher for Second Marriages
Another statistic to remember is that the divorce rate for second marriages is around 60 to 70%, and not learning about yourself and your contribution to what’s happened in the first marriage is one of the reasons. While we’re on this topic, another primary reason second marriages don’t succeed results from trying to “blend” two families which often yields a new set of significant challenges to your post-divorced life. The divorce rate for third marriages is even higher than for second marriages.
Erin and Ben reconciled and had a successful outcome from marriage therapy. Now, I realize this is rare. In fact, according to available statistics, around 13% of people reconcile after separation, and 6% of divorced couples later remarry again. Hence, 19% of couples stay together even after seriously considering divorce, separating, or finalizing their divorce.
Bring Your Best Self to The Marital Crisis
The bottom line here is that if you are the spouse who is leaning into the marriage desperately wanting to save it and you have an unwilling partner, you must bring your best self to this marital crisis even when an undesired outcome is likely. You still have opportunity to make the changes you likely promised when your spouse threatened divorce in the first place. I’ve got both statistical and professional proof that reconciliation is still possible even when it comes to divorce. So, when should you stop trying to save your marriage? Remember, it ain’t over till it’s over (and even then, it ain’t always over)!
Do you need help deciding the next step in your marriage? As a skilled discernment counselor, I do this all the time! Feel free to reach out to me for help. Grab my free guide just for couples looking for help.
