According to MacMillonDictionary.com, “conscious uncoupling” refers to “the act of ending a marriage or relationship, but in a way that is viewed as a very positive step by both parties, who mutually believe their lives will be better for doing so.” The partners make a serious attempt to remain friends and co-parent if they have children. It’s a very respectful way of terminating a long-term relationship.
The expression was thrust into the media in 2014 after being used by actress Gwyneth Paltrow and her spouse, rocker Chris Martin, who announced the breakup of their marriage online while writing that they intended to “consciously uncouple.” The use of such embellished terminology is just a euphemism for an amicable separation or amicable divorce. The term has been viewed critically in the media as typical celebrity-invented nonsense. However, its mockery by journalists has brought further attention to it, only popularizing the phrase.
Therapist Katherine Woodward Thomas is the one to credit with the term after she penned a self-help book with the same title, Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After (2015). Her intentions are, of course, to help couples split up peacefully. Regardless of what people might think of the term, the concept is an ideal one that all couples should aim for if they are at such a point in their lives. However, science tells us that this ideal rarely happens.
The Science of the Uncoupling Process
Researcher Diane Vaughan discusses in her book, Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships (1990), how couples really split up. Several conclusions can be drawn from her extensive work with couples ending their relationship. First and foremost, all uncoupling begins with a secret. One partner (the “initiator”) usually feels unsatisfied with the relationship or believes that the relationship was a mistake. But, what the initiator does is stay quiet, not bring the dissatisfaction up to the spouse but instead processes their feelings on their own (or with their own private therapist).
Instead of directly communicating with their spouse or partner, initiators engage in these types of behaviors:
- The initiator makes direct and indirect attempts to fix their partner who is clueless about the thoughts the other one is having.
- The initiator begins to find satisfaction outside the relationship. Energy gets channeled into hobbies, friendships, the kids, or an affair.
- The initiator makes essential changes unilaterally. There is no more discussion and negotiation. There is a shift from “we-ness” to “me-ness.”
- The initiator starts to re-define their partner and the relationship in negative terms. History gets re-written…good times are forgotten. Attempts are made to justify the thoughts and feelings around wishing to end the relationship.
- The initiator finds ways to create distance from the partner. This may be in their body language, mood, spending time away, becoming overly critical, complaining or acting passive-aggressive.
- The initiator operates out of fear and is plagued with uncertainty. He or she confuses known problems vs. unknown problems. It is very difficult to face the truth when making a drastic life decision.
- The initiator finds a “transitional person.” The initiator begins to confide in someone who will be instrumental in bridging the gap between the old life and new life. This may be a lover, friend, divorce lawyer or a therapist. It may be someone who has gone through the divorce process who can serve as a role-model of sorts.
The daily routine of life makes it easier for the unhappy partner to slowly and gradually slip away, at first only psychologically, and eventually physically. Initiators have the benefit of time to gather the resources necessary to uncouple when they are good and ready. Lack of such resources may create significant barriers to separation.
Is it really Conscious or Unconscious Uncoupling?
The uncoupling process usually starts in this covert and somewhat “unconscious” way. Or, at least only consciously to the unhappy partner. The initiator fails to (or refuses to) communicate their intense dissatisfaction about the relationship. As a result, when the initiator makes a bold move to end things, it’s frequently too little and too late for the other partner to do anything to change the decision.
What’s written here is not a condemnation of the initiator or a judgment of the reasons why people choose to leave their marriage or long-term relationship. It’s strictly reporting upon the collection of data on how people go about it. Understanding this may help couples take a braver and more open approach and take corrective action sooner, rather than later if one or both are unhappy in the relationship. A result of early action and discussion may be that couples actually end up staying together for the long-haul or choosing to do course of marriage therapy to see if they can restore the relationship to health.
If you need help with marriage therapy, conscious uncoupling, or other divorce-related problems, reach out to me .
