conscious uncoupling

Can This Marriage Be Saved? A Discernment Counseling Assessment May Be Right for You Both

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Discernment Counseling Boca raton

Is there anything a marriage therapist can really do when one of the partners is one foot out the door?  Maybe both people are not sure staying married is the best idea.  Or, what if one spouse simply refuses to attend counseling?

An estimated 30% of couples presenting for marriage therapy actually have a “mixed-agenda.”  This means they both have differing desires as whether to save the marriage or not.  One (or both) may be seriously considering divorce or, in other words, “ambivalent” about saving the marriage.

Traditional marriage therapy only works when BOTH partners desire the same outcome to save the marriage. So, when one partner is ambivalent, it can seem like a pretty hopeless situation for both couple and therapist. That is, until fairly recently…

Now there is an approach for working with such couples called discernment counseling.  Prior to this method, traditional marriage therapy would often fizzle out or end in frustration for both the couple and the therapist. Yet, couples still desperately need meaningful help when they are in this space.

Thanks to Dr. Bill Doherty, Ph.D. and his relationship research institute, there is a way for working with the couples who are starting off in different places. He has been training therapists all over the country about how to do this counseling.  Dr. Doherty also has a program for family lawyers, mediators, and clergy who are frequently finding these couples in their midst as well.

Goals of Discernment Counseling

The goal of discernment counseling is for the couple to gain greater clarity and confidence in their decision making about whether to divorce or reconcile. The sessions are to explore specific topics relevant to three paths under consideration: (1) stay married as it has been, (2) move towards separation and divorce or (3) agree on a reconciliation period with an all-out effort in therapy.

Couples meet in the counseling sessions for a portion together and also one on one with the therapist. This is done so that each individual has time to work on their own goals. The crux of this will be about each partner’s personal agenda for change. It is deeply important that each person begins to see his/her own contributions to the relationship problems as well as the possible solutions.

All communications in these individual sessions are kept confidential. This is an important factor that allows the client to provide all necessary details (even in regard to an affair if there is one) to the therapist in order to help him or her sort through the decision making process. Each partner is treated in a respectful and compassionate way regardless of how they are feeling their marriage at the moment.

If reconciliation (path 3) is agreed upon, couples are educated about what marriage therapy looks like and what will be expected of them. Each partner is explained the expectations.  At this point, traditional marriage therapy can begin with the same counselor or they may return to their referring counselor.  If separation/divorce (path 2) is chosen, the couple is given education and resources to help them collaboratively work through the dissolution of the marriage.

If the partner considering divorce refuses to attend discernment counseling at all, individual “hopeful spouse counseling” is offered as an alternative.  Therapists often get desperate calls from this person when a partner threatens to leave the marriage.

The goal of hopeful spouse counseling is to help support the client in their desire to save the marriage. Strategies are designed to help the client manage the crisis and learn constructive and healthy ways to prevent the marriage from going the divorce direction if at all possible. If at any point the partner wishes to join in the process, this is of course welcomed.

The discernment counseling assessment process is a 4 session series consisting of joint time together and 1:1 separately, and then a final feedback session.

Please note that this is NOT  closure therapy as it is not intended to help one of the partners accept their partner’s final decision to divorce. If you need closure therapy, be certain to specify this to the therapist prior to any meetings. Discernment counseling is also not recommended for anyone coerced to come in or if there is a history of violence in the relationship.

Additional Benefits of a Discernment Counseling Assessment

This counseling has been found to be immensely useful in future relationships even if the marriage ends. It is also proven to help couples truly be more cooperative with each other in the divorce process if that is the chosen path.  We must consider that divorce is a decision with far-reaching impacts, even into future generations.  Discernment counseling can help a couple carefully and consciously decide their next step in regards to their marriage.

 

You might want to check out a podcast interview where I discuss the topic of Discernment Counseling. 

Discernment/divorce counseling assessment process is available for couples in a private and confidential setting in Boca Raton, Florida or online for any residents of FL, AL, MD, VT, SC.  Contact me for more information. To search the entire U.S., go to www.DiscernmentCounselors.com. 

Conscious Uncoupling: The Reality No One Tells You

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conscious uncoupling

According to MacMillonDictionary.com, “conscious uncoupling” refers to “the act of ending a marriage or relationship, but in a way that is viewed as a very positive step by both parties, who mutually believe their lives will be better for doing so.”  The partners make a serious attempt to remain friends and co-parent if they have children. It’s a very respectful way of terminating a long-term relationship.

The expression was thrust into the media in 2014 after being used by actress Gwyneth Paltrow and her spouse, rocker Chris Martin, who announced the breakup of their marriage online while writing that they intended to “consciously uncouple.” The use of such embellished terminology is just a euphemism for an amicable separation or amicable divorce.  The term has been viewed critically in the media as typical celebrity-invented nonsense. However, its mockery by journalists has brought further attention to it, only popularizing the phrase.

Therapist Katherine Woodward Thomas is the one to credit with the term after she penned a self-help book with the same title, Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After (2015). Her intentions are, of course, to help couples split up peacefully. Regardless of what people might think of the term, the concept is an ideal one that all couples should aim for if they are at such a point in their lives. However, science tells us that this ideal rarely happens.

The Science of  the Uncoupling Process

Researcher Diane Vaughan discusses in her book, Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships (1990), how couples really split up. Several conclusions can be drawn from her extensive work with couples ending their relationship. First and foremost, all uncoupling begins with a secret. One partner (the “initiator”) usually feels unsatisfied with the relationship or believes that the relationship was a mistake. But, what the initiator does is stay quiet, not bring the dissatisfaction up to the spouse but instead processes their feelings on their own (or with their own private therapist).

Instead of directly communicating with their spouse or partner, initiators engage in these types of behaviors:

  • The initiator makes direct and indirect attempts to fix their partner who is clueless about the thoughts the other one is having.
  • The initiator begins to find satisfaction outside the relationship. Energy gets channeled into hobbies, friendships, the kids, or an affair.
  • The initiator makes essential changes unilaterally. There is no more discussion and negotiation. There is a shift from “we-ness” to “me-ness.”
  • The initiator starts to re-define their partner and the relationship in negative terms. History gets re-written…good times are forgotten.  Attempts are made to justify the thoughts and feelings around wishing to end the relationship.
  • The initiator finds ways to create distance from the partner. This may be in their body language, mood, spending time away, becoming overly critical, complaining or acting passive-aggressive.
  • The initiator operates out of fear and is plagued with uncertainty. He or she confuses known problems vs. unknown problems. It is very difficult to face the truth when making a drastic life decision.
  • The initiator finds a “transitional person.” The initiator begins to confide in someone who will be instrumental in bridging the gap between the old life and new life. This may be a lover, friend, divorce lawyer or a therapist.  It may be someone who has gone through the divorce process who can serve as a role-model of sorts.

The daily routine of life makes it easier for the unhappy partner to slowly and gradually slip away, at first only psychologically, and eventually physically. Initiators have the benefit of time to gather the resources necessary to uncouple when they are good and ready. Lack of such resources may create significant barriers to separation.

Is it really Conscious or Unconscious Uncoupling?

The uncoupling process usually starts in this covert and somewhat “unconscious” way.  Or, at least only consciously to the unhappy partner. The initiator fails to (or refuses to) communicate their intense dissatisfaction about the relationship. As a result, when the initiator makes a bold move to end things, it’s frequently too little and too late for the other partner to do anything to change the decision.

What’s written here is not a condemnation of the initiator or a judgment of the reasons why people choose to leave their marriage or long-term relationship. It’s strictly reporting upon the collection of data on how people go about it. Understanding this may help couples take a braver and more open approach and take corrective action sooner, rather than later if one or both are unhappy in the relationship. A result of early action and discussion may be that couples actually end up staying together for the long-haul or choosing to do course of marriage therapy to see if they can restore the relationship to health.

If you need help with marriage therapy, conscious uncoupling, or other divorce-related problems, reach out to me . 

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