World renowned relationship researcher, Dr. John Gottman, tells us that some problems in a relationship are “unsolvable.” These may be things like personality traits your partner has that rubs you the wrong way or long-standing issues around spending and saving money.
What is emphasized within the findings of the research is the idea that two people in a relationship must learn to manage conflict constructively. Solving and resolving these arguments are essentially de-emphasized as it is not likely that a couple will ever completely eliminate them. In fact, sometimes such conflict is constructive or positive for growth! With that being said, let’s look at three main “relationship conflict blueprints” to help you and your partner manage arguments more constructively.
Conflict Blueprint #1:
This relationship conflict blueprint addresses current conflicts. Based on “game theory,” which describes how to improve cooperation with others, this blueprint stresses that both partners put off persuasion tactics until each one can state their position clearly and fully. This involves speaker/listener turn taking. Layered with that is also the idea that both must be emotionally calm (a.k.a. “down-regulated”) when speaking. The listener should even take notes on what is spoken. The speaker should focus on having a softened start-up, stating feelings, and asking for needs to be met in a positive way such as saying what you want (not what you don’t want).
Here are some tips to effectively navigate Blueprint #1:
- Take a 15 – 20-minute break if things get too heated. When you return to talk, only one person should “have the floor” to talk while the other partner only listens. No interruptions!
- Begin the conversation with a soft tone or a curious one. Use an “I-statement” to begin. For example, “I’m wondering if I could ask you something? I didn’t feel good when you spoke down to me in front of our friends. Were you aware of your tone?”
- Use repair attempts! Say key phrases to help your partner see that you are trying to understand and de-escalate the conflict. For instance, you can apologize, use humor appropriately, say, “I hear you,” or “I understand” and so on.
Conflict Blueprint #2:
This relationship conflict blueprint focuses on discussing past emotional injuries that occurred during the relationship. Also called “attachment injuries” by Dr. Sue Johnson, these can create resentment from past events that have gone unresolved. These frequently involve breaches of trust. It is crucial to avoid getting sucked into a negative spiral during these talks. You both need to talk calmly and from the standpoint that there is no correct perception. The goals are to have some comprehension of each other’s perception, however divergent they might be, and to acknowledge that regrettable incidents are inevitable in long-term relationships.
Often a trigger for past underlying trauma from childhood, there are five primary components to a discussion about an emotional injury. These five steps are from the Gottman’s Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident booklet. A couple should focus on the feelings felt, personal realities, underlying triggers, taking responsibility and apologizing, and finally, productive plans for healing.
Here are some tips to effectively navigate Blueprint #2:
- Apologize to the injured partner in a heartfelt way regardless as to whether or not you agree/disagree with their perception or recall of the particulars. Focus only on the fact that you caused your partner pain.
- Verbalize what parts you are willing to take responsibility for and any other factors that played into you getting caught up in the fight. For example, “I was too harsh when I spoke to you…I was stressed all day and took it out on you…”
- Ask your partner what he or she needs from you to heal. Be sure to follow through on the request.
Conflict Blueprint #3:
This relationship conflict blueprint explores the dreams within the conflict. Not all conflicts are created equal. The research helps explain that perpetual problems regularly concerned basic personality differences or core fundamental needs. Couples are often either “gridlocked” or “in dialogue” on the topic. Being in dialogue, the preferred status, is when the couple has learned to accept their differences on that topic but with minor arguments arising occasionally. Overall, peace has been made, and they both agree to disagree.
Moving from gridlock to dialogue involves examining the meaning, or dream, that underlies the partner’s position that he or she is holding to so steadfastly. Each partner may be able to find a way to honor their partner’s dream and what often amounts to a core need in respect to the issue. Those successfully navigating a recurring problem in their relationship have learned to express acceptance of their partners’ personality and are able to talk about and appreciate the underlying meaning of their position on the issue.
Here are some tips to effectively navigate Blueprint #3
- Take turns speaking and listening. As the speaker, you should talk clearly and honestly about what your position on the topic means to you. Where does it come from and what does it symbolize for you?
- As the listener, you must create a safe space for the speaker. No judging or arguing. Show genuine interest in what your partner is telling you.
Ironically, it may be comforting to know that virtually all relationships have some unsolvable, perpetual problems that continuously crop up throughout your lives as a couple. It has been said that choosing a partner is essentially choosing those problems along with the person. No one escapes this fact. What’s even more comforting is knowing that we have real science that helps a couple learn how to keep their love alive despite such conflicts.
Source: Gottman, J. M. & Schwartz-Gottman, J. (March 2017), The Natural Principles of Love, Journal of Family Theory and Review
I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman, a marriage therapist in Boca Raton, Florida who specializes in working with highly distressed couples. Reach out to me for relationship help! I originally wrote this article for The Gottman Institue Blog and it was also syndicated to ThriveGlobal.com, The Minds Journal, and turned into a podcast on Optimal Living Daily.
