Is there anything a marriage therapist can really do when one of the partners is one foot out the door? Maybe both people are not sure staying married is the best idea. Or, what if one spouse simply refuses to attend counseling?
An estimated 30% of couples presenting for marriage therapy actually have a “mixed-agenda.” This means they both have differing desires as whether to save the marriage or not. One (or both) may be seriously considering divorce or, in other words, “ambivalent” about saving the marriage.
Traditional marriage therapy only works when BOTH partners desire the same outcome to save the marriage. So, when one partner is ambivalent, it can seem like a pretty hopeless situation for both couple and therapist. That is, until fairly recently…
Now there is an approach for working with such couples called discernment counseling. Prior to this method, traditional marriage therapy would often fizzle out or end in frustration for both the couple and the therapist. Yet, couples still desperately need meaningful help when they are in this space.
Thanks to Dr. Bill Doherty, Ph.D. and his relationship research institute, there is a way for working with the couples who are starting off in different places. He has been training therapists all over the country about how to do this counseling. Dr. Doherty also has a program for family lawyers, mediators, and clergy who are frequently finding these couples in their midst as well.
Goals of Discernment Counseling
The goal of discernment counseling is for the couple to gain greater clarity and confidence in their decision making about whether to divorce or reconcile. The sessions are to explore specific topics relevant to three paths under consideration: (1) stay married as it has been, (2) move towards separation and divorce or (3) agree on a reconciliation period with an all-out effort in therapy.
Couples meet in the counseling sessions for a portion together and also one on one with the therapist. This is done so that each individual has time to work on their own goals. The crux of this will be about each partner’s personal agenda for change. It is deeply important that each person begins to see his/her own contributions to the relationship problems as well as the possible solutions.
All communications in these individual sessions are kept confidential. This is an important factor that allows the client to provide all necessary details (even in regard to an affair if there is one) to the therapist in order to help him or her sort through the decision making process. Each partner is treated in a respectful and compassionate way regardless of how they are feeling their marriage at the moment.
If reconciliation (path 3) is agreed upon, couples are educated about what marriage therapy looks like and what will be expected of them. Each partner is explained the expectations. At this point, traditional marriage therapy can begin with the same counselor or they may return to their referring counselor. If separation/divorce (path 2) is chosen, the couple is given education and resources to help them collaboratively work through the dissolution of the marriage.
If the partner considering divorce refuses to attend discernment counseling at all, individual “hopeful spouse counseling” is offered as an alternative. Therapists often get desperate calls from this person when a partner threatens to leave the marriage.
The goal of hopeful spouse counseling is to help support the client in their desire to save the marriage. Strategies are designed to help the client manage the crisis and learn constructive and healthy ways to prevent the marriage from going the divorce direction if at all possible. If at any point the partner wishes to join in the process, this is of course welcomed.
The discernment counseling assessment process is a 4 session series consisting of joint time together and 1:1 separately, and then a final feedback session.
Please note that this is NOT closure therapy as it is not intended to help one of the partners accept their partner’s final decision to divorce. If you need closure therapy, be certain to specify this to the therapist prior to any meetings. Discernment counseling is also not recommended for anyone coerced to come in or if there is a history of violence in the relationship.
Additional Benefits of a Discernment Counseling Assessment
This counseling has been found to be immensely useful in future relationships even if the marriage ends. It is also proven to help couples truly be more cooperative with each other in the divorce process if that is the chosen path. We must consider that divorce is a decision with far-reaching impacts, even into future generations. Discernment counseling can help a couple carefully and consciously decide their next step in regards to their marriage.
You might want to check out a podcast interview where I discuss the topic of Discernment Counseling.
Discernment/divorce counseling assessment process is available for couples in a private and confidential setting in Boca Raton, Florida or online for any residents of FL, AL, MD, VT, SC. Contact me for more information. To search the entire U.S., go to www.DiscernmentCounselors.com.
